Do You Have An Inner Soother? I Knew About Inner Critics But Not Inner Soothers!

[ms spock]

I have been doing some radical things lately to work on my healing and recovery - breathing (apparently necessary in day to day life as well as healing,) exercise - Tai Chi, Shibashi, QiGong, Wudang 5 Animals, LoHan, Power Walking, Swimming, continuously busting those distorted cognitions and have reduced my depressed down from Extreme to Mildly Depressed, honesty (still hard for me - you got hit for being honest or emotionally tortured for hours, days, weeks), disco dancing and of course addressing that inner critic - I read yesterday or the day before in the Kristin Neff book on Self Compassion about an "Inner Soother" - well it makes sense really doesn't it? But it had never occurred to me or entered my consciousness - but then I grew up as a child and lived as an adult totally believing my distorted cognitions as gospel truth. So I am slower than the average Yogi Bear and I get great comfort from other very slow people on this forum who have the guts to share about that be honest about that with me.

So I have to ask is this "Inner Soother" something like busting distorted cognitions - the book was published 30 years ago - so I will and truly missed the bus there - "Do You Have An Inner Soother?" "Are you developing an Inner Soother?"

Gosh all these years trying to tame that out of control Inner Critic - and I never ever thought of or knew about the Inner Soother! Wow there just so much information, ideas, theories, research, practical ideas and strategies for me to help heal myself that I never had any idea of - because I was so focussed that I was a bad, bad, evil kid who got what they deserved. Thank goodness things are on the up and up now. I even learnt about the Inner Soother.

My sister tried to talk to me about learning to Self Sooth - maybe this is what she meant? I don't know.

I am most curious to know what other members know about this Inner Soother and what they are doing in a practical way of building up their Inner Soother.

Regards,
ms spock

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I come at this from a slightly different perspective with having DID, but I think it relates well enough. I have several parts who can be very critical. And it is very hard for me to challenge the distortions represented from these messages. However, I have one part who I think would fall into the "Inner Soother" category. She comes out seemingly randomly to me and is very cryptic if I want to try to communicate with her. However, she is full of light and calming. She speaks kind words and encouragement. Whenever I hear from her, I just know that I will make it through all of this. I wish I could communicate with this part of me more often but I think all of the learned critical-ness and inner critics get in the way.

I think the "Inner Soother" would be different than self-soothing for me. I think of self-soothing as more of things I do for myself to help calm and to remind me that there are things I enjoy doing rather than inner messages that are meant to soothe. These would include reading, writing poetry, doing a puzzle, or coloring.

 

[Ronin]

Self soothing vs. inner soothing - oh, is that what people call 'Bitch homie, you can do this' as opposed to 'No matter what happens, you're awesome, you can do this'. :D (Contrast being in soothing in relation to a situation, as opposed to soothing as just because a person is, and is a person.)

But yeah, have that. More effective communicating through dreams than anything else, provided I(/we) can dream at the time in any fashion. More getting the message to stick, at least. Part of why one of the things I reteach myself as basics always is dreaming.

Also found greatly soothing just kicking inner critics to the curb. If you're not Reasonable Worries, you don't get to pester around, thoughts.

 

[void]

I have been doing some radical things lately to work on my healing and recovery - breathing (apparently...

I don't:( but if you do....:joyful::joyful::joyful::joyful::joyful::joyful::joyful::joyful::joyful:...embrace 'em with all your heart!!!
Celebrate it!!!!:singing::singing::singing::singing::joyful:

 

[sun seeker]

I am most curious to know what other members know about this Inner Soother and what they are doing in a practical way of building up their Inner Soother.

I have something like this, but not sure I would call it "inner." It feels like a different part of me that comforts the scared childlike part sometimes. It has me stroke my hair (which I always wished my mother would do, and she didn't), tells me I am doing fine and to just take one thing at a time. It is available up to a certain level of activation though, after which it gets quiet.

I haven't always had this, nor did I consciously develop it. It just came to me one day when I was very desperate and needed help. It's like an older, calmer part of myself.

I think of self-soothing as more of things I do for myself to help calm and to remind me that there are things I enjoy doing rather than inner messages that are meant to soothe.

So do you mean self soothing is one part of you soothing itself? I have that too and it's different from what I'm describing above. I don't have DID, but the difference is evident when I am flooded and a child part of me is trying its best to soothe itself, as opposed to this older part of me soothing the child parts.

But again, it has its limits, and it just sort of showed up, so I can't say how to create it.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

So do you mean self soothing is one part of you soothing itself?

This language around soothing is getting tricky. I think I meant it as I am soothing myself as a whole. And then, I suppose other parts have their own ways to self-soothe. And then my brain wonders if I am saying the same thing as you...:confused:

 

[Ronin]

And then my brain wonders if I am saying the same thing as you...:confused:

You make sense to me, but I wonder that's another thing that won't translate with non-DID folk.

Because parts in everything but D.I.D. are a hugely different concept from what it is in D.I.D. It's not experience-equatable.

 

[ms spock]

I don't understand D.I.D - I know what it is as a diagnosis but not about it. I don't understand parts either, and I have those. And still that is a reluctant ownership of that within me. But great to read all the comments. Thanks for that.

So perhaps the Inner Soother and Self Soothing are two different things. Things that, along with Self Compassion I desperately need to learn to help settle down my wild reactivity and over reacting to so many things.

 

[sun seeker]

And then my brain wonders if I am saying the same thing as you...

I'm not sure either. I'll try to describe what I'm saying one more time and see if we can find some common ground (or realize we're talking about different things, which is fine too).

Since I don't have DID, but would say I have different parts, when a part is predominant I am still coconscious. When the soother part is predominant it feels like there are two parts of me at the same time and one is soothing the other.

When a traumatized child part is flooding me I still have some amount of awareness that I am not actually that child in the present moment, but don't have access to any other parts to the degree that I can let them take over their soothing task. When attempting to soothe myself in one of those states, it is like a small child would soothe themselves, not like an adult soothing a child.

I don't know if that's any clearer.

So perhaps the Inner Soother and Self Soothing are two different things.

I wonder, if you feel an inner soother would help you, could you create one? I know I've said mine just showed up one day, but could you perhaps begin by imagining the most soothing person your mind can invent, as safe as possible in every way you need them to be? And then work on embodying those qualities when you need soothing? Like in my example about stroking my own hair... obviously, having only one body, I am both giving and receiving that soothing touch, but it does (almost) feel like another person. I wonder whether you could create something similar.

 

[Teasel]

I like the concept of an inner soother. Though I think it's not something I feel I have exactly. More sometimes I sooth myself. I very much like the idea of creating one.

 

[ms spock]

I have different parts, when a part is predominant I am still coconscious.

What is it called when one part takes over - or someone loses time or someone is aware that they are dissociated but can't access other parts? Or they are watching their dissociation? Or one part takes over and lashes out?

When the soother part is predominant it feels like there are two parts of me at the same time and one is soothing the other.

Interesting. I have a small awareness of a couple of parts.

When a traumatized child part is flooding me I still have some amount of awareness that I am not actually that child in the present moment, but don't have access to any other parts to the degree that I can let them take over their soothing task. When attempting to soothe myself in one of those states, it is like a small child would soothe themselves, not like an adult soothing a child.

Wow that is still pretty advanced if you ask me, but I am so new to this stuff. I feel like the interloper or intruder or fraud in these types of threads.

I wonder, if you feel an inner soother would help you, could you create one? I know I've said mine just showed up one day, but could you perhaps begin by imagining the most soothing person your mind can invent, as safe as possible in every way you need them to be? And then work on embodying those qualities when you need soothing? Like in my example about stroking my own hair... obviously, having only one body, I am both giving and receiving that soothing touch, but it does (almost) feel like another person. I wonder whether you could create something similar.

That is a great idea!

Me too @Berlinda!

I have been trying to do this in a way by using this website on Self Compassion http://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#guided-meditations

I do the guided meditations in a bid to develop that up in myself.

 

[Teasel]

@Ms Spock I loved what you did with the self compassion monthly challenge. And was glad to be a part of it. Then I found I couldn't get on the site for .. well until the other day. Am slowly catching up on a months worth of emails