I'm So Confused - Do I Take Another Chance?

[kacee129]

A few years ago I a boyfriend from high school and I gave it a whirl. Turned out he has PTSD and wow what a nightmare that was. Oh I should mention we are no spring chickens. We are both 66 years old. Anyway, he moved in with me and started a small business where he made Elvis costumes and sold them. That was fine since he got hardly any money from social security. However, if one stitch was out of place or a small string left hanging he would go into a tirade about the seamstress. It would continue to escalate and I would usually end up leaving my own home. So we broke it off, he went back to Vegas. About 6 months or so later he was begging to come back. I'll make a long story short - I let him come back. And he went back to the stupid Elvis costume thing and it was instant replay. During a fit of rage he said he was going back to Vegas yada yada and I said GREAT!! So time went on and he was not packing. I finally said "you told me you were going back in January....It's January...please go". He did.
While he was living with me I kept asking that he go to the VA to get help. He refused.
When he got back to Vegas we were still talking and I told him "you know you can get compensation for your PTSD" - after awhile he did go to the VA and got the ball rolling, getting treatment and also applying for compensation. He ended up getting 70% so he money problems were solved...he no longer had that stress hanging over him. He still continues with the Elvis costumes but has cut way way back since he no longer needs it to supplement his income. Now he says he does it "for something to do". OK
well he is begging once again to come back. Says he loves me and always has since we met in 1965. I don't think he is lying about that. To tell you the truth I kind of miss having him here. If he isn't having a meltdown we are good together. And at our age.....

I just don't know what to do or say to him. Any suggestions?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I remember your story from awhile back.

Normally people will repeat patterns. So I can't help looking at what you are saying, and that even though the costumes are pretty much gone, that he will find another way to repeat the pattern. And the rage will come back in some way.

To tell you the truth I kind of miss having him here. If he isn't having a meltdown we are good together. And at our age.....

I understand you miss having him around. You then mention your ages. Doesn't mean you need to settle. Check your reason for having him around. Do you really want him around or are you lonely?

 

[EveHarrington]

Is he in treatment? His money issues may be solved, but if he hasn't worked on the underlying issues then I'm afraid the episodes might continue, just with a different trigger.

 

[Justmehere]

Expect him to be as he has been. Don't try to change him or be with him again based on the hope he will change. One stressor may be gone right now, but there are always others.

If how things were is something that you are ok with, then go for it. If not, then don't.

The only exception is if he has had considerable treatment and he can describe ways he can control the meltdowns now. Then there may be a place to find out, not expect, but find out of things really are different now.

Otherwise, expect him to be the same as he was and decide if it is ok for you. It seems like it hasn't been ok in the past, and that might be all the data you need to make the decision now,

Don't settle because of age. There are lots of fish in the sea and settling is likely to lead to resentment on both sides.

I wouldn't want anyone to be with me because they felt they couldn't find someone better because of age or any other circumstance, not even if I loved them with all my heart.

 

[The Albatross]

I think I'd go back and re-read my old posts about the difficulty of the relationship. If his money issues are solved, what is he asking/begging you for exactly?

 

[candor]

Have you considered seeing each other without moving in together? I am 6 years younger than you and the only reason I can take the lash outs is cause we physically separate whenever there is signs of irritability. I also dissociate and numb the feelings but this is not something I recommend nor intend to do indefinately. The rage behaviour is damaging and the older we get the more it can damage as we tend to just be more easily scared and get easily stressed. I am happy that I am surrounded by many other people and got lots of other things going on so that I can recharge whenever I need to. I am also good at not taking what he says TOO personally. It is an awful thing he goes through and I believe it is a lot out of his control but I could be wrong. Have you tried to just enjoy the good days while keeping the bad ones as short as possible so you both can recharge?

 

[The Albatross]

I actually was trying to frame up what candor just suggested. Independent living conditions but maybe an attempt at a second run at a "companionate relationship". If he's independent and not having financial difficulties... the proof is in the pudding but you need to square it up before you open the "door".