In Being Honest...

[HappyJock]

Therapy feels great for my PTSD. I started in Nov. and my social worker is an intern. She's leaving shortly, so I'm going to a new therapist. My concern is this; on the day of therapy, weekly, I feel positive -- little flashback, headache, anxiety. So, I could have the most horrible week prior to session and simply tell the therapist "Not good." "Okay." It's as if I got hit with amnesia and forgot the horrible week. Not only that, but I can feel like a totally different person in session with different beliefs and thoughts. When I leave, I pursue self-destructive behavior (suicidal ideation) or having really angry conversations in my own head as if there are two of me against each other, one calm and scared and the other angered.

Just want to know if I'm the only one here going through something like this or if anyone has similar experiences. I've looked this up at times; I'm not functional without therapy, almost at all. With the research though, it seems like PTSD as well as Borderline but I'm not a therapist and am somewhat scared of telling my T.

 

[Nevermore]

Hi night walker
It's funny -I often log on here to search for a similar problem to my own and the featured thread speaks of it!
I was actually thinking about shame and the huge role it plays in my life. I too feel different when I see my therapist but I think that's because she listens to me. Affirms me and is there for me
In my normAl life there are people who don't understand what I went through. - including family. When I've tried to explain the changes in me I've been met at times with either patronising pity or invalidation. And so I can feel small and hurt around the people i care about in my life.
How I feel with my therapist is, I think, me without shame or fear of being misunderstood.
For me it's not always that bad things have happened in my time away from her, but more like bad feelings, uncertain feelings, feelings of frustration and failure brought on by a lack of understanding in my life.
Do you think that's sinilar to you?
I am living alone and I think for me it's just more about a lack of intimacy and having someone that knows and understands me. I so miss that!
In a way my therapist fills that gap and I feel calmer because I do feel known and understood by her.
Not borderline, more like a human need!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

When I leave, I pursue self-destructive behavior (suicidal ideation) or having really angry conversations in my own head as if there are two of me against each other, one calm and scared and the other angered.

I go through this! Im very auto piolt numb in therapy constantly trying to disassociate (though he generally doesnt let me) and have no control over it. I do sometimes go through a tailspin after therapy, depends on what we talked about or how well he was able to get me half way ok before i left. I go to walmart after my therapist every week and used to huff cans of duster, i would just about every time get a ton.

I do feel like theres two of me, one fightng the other and one is fighting the process, fighting to stay 'brainwashed' and one trying to get better VERY hard. That i can super identify with. Especially now.

 

[HappyJock]

Hi night walker
It's funny -I often log on here to search for a similar problem to my own and the featur...

Thanks for the prompt response! Yeah, I hear ya! I am very similar to what you're explaining. I'm glad I'm not going crazy! Haha. Yeah, I think it has a lot to do with validation, especially if it's not something that "happens" outside of therapy, one is bound to be different in therapy if the therapist makes them feel safe. I think it's funny, because anyone can hear you -- anyone can listen, but not understand you and that's what can cause someone to feel very different in therapy. Either that, or they have a different diagnosis, but we're talking about something specific, so I can definitely relate to you from what I'm seeing. Well, I've never had an intimate friendship or dating relationship, so I don't know how that would feel, so I think it could be that since it's an unfamiliar feeling.

 

[HappyJock]

I go through this! Im very auto piolt numb in therapy constantly trying to disassociate (thou...

Ahh. I'm glad I'm seeing I'm not the only one here! Dissociation; I hear you on that, it happens to me quite frequently. Do you ever feel like a different person and have amnesia, though? I feel like that's the part that concerns me for myself, though. I feel like I can brush it off and say it's part of PTSD, but if I don't bring it up, I don't want to find out it's actually more than that.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Do you ever feel like a different person and have amnesia, though?

Not really, or at least not now. In my trauma i would have to at some points to get through it, numb physical pain but now its just i go to my 'safe world' but i totally stare w/ this blank stare my therapist says, sit really still my eyes seeming to 'be gone' and i have no idea what he said until he jerks me out of it.

I had made up alters in my trauma but i think that was more 'its happening to them and not me' and not so much DID cuz i never lost memory of it or control of my body.

I have hurt myself w/o memory of it so maybe i do some but not a lot.

The intetnal 2 of me one fighting the other is REALLY frustrating though. I feel trapped inside myself trying to figure out a way out and the 'cult side' fighting everything to get better. Even when i read a book (i just got my DMT book today tho im not home yet) but say im reading the PTSD source book lets say and my 'cult side' throws things in my head like "god says to do XYZ, he's gonna be mad"; or "you cant do that you weak piece of shit"; or even more common "you deserve nothing good, go kill your now before you f*ck up anymore". I grew up in a cult headed by mom & step dad and often hear their voices telling me stuff. Its maddening!