Torture. Need I Say More?

[Luwu]

I would post in normal way, but I don't feel safe coming out with this at this stage as the memories are early childhood. I need to journal this out some.

Okay. I have had PTSD for a long time. I have handled it as well as I could. However, I have remembered at least three or more occasions when I had multiple perpetrators with CSA. Three men. In one memory, my dad is one of them. In others, I am not sure if he's there.

In one memory, I get severe body memories of electrocution pain, I think.

My hope is someone out there who was abused in a dark church or cult in the 70s or 80s like I was will help me validate what my body is telling me is something that has happened. Yet, I hope this hasn't happened to others.

My memory is of a church my parents took me when I was 4 held on Sundays in a funeral parlor family business. One of the family was the pastor.

I was taken to a room in the funeral home part, a viewing room, I think, and I was tortured there by two men, the pastor and a deacon. I thought his name was deacon, but then I realized that was what they called the man who stood where you walk in. I was in pre-school. I had been really enjoying pre-school there, or sunday school, if you will. I remember especially a positive Easter memory there.

The body memory is all I have to understand what happened to me there so far. I believe I was hooded or unable to see.

It feels like they put my head into a container or box, and I have a crushing headache that is everywhere but mostly in the forehead. It doesn't feel like I'm being hit, more crushed or electricuted at the same time. I see a box that it is fitted with a vice-like device inside that makes contact in four places and emits electrical pain to the victim.

I realize this sounds far fetched, but hey, I was four and it hurts VERY BADLY. It was torture.

I also feel they had me bent over, my head in this box thing, and they were poking my spine mid back with a "stick" that emited electrocution. The stick is jammed there into my back at a right angle, and it sends a shook at various times, while my head hurts the whole time and my neck and shoulders are very tight. I cannot see.

I am unaware of the sexual things I am sure they are doing because the fear and pain trump getting raped at the point I have this flashback, but I know they are fooling with my private parts as well.

I was also afraid of their religious power and the fact they had dead bodies in coffins in the next room. I was threatened to be put in there with the body if I didn't get into the box the made, which seems less bad by comparison, at the time, until the torture began.

I believe I had DID from the multiple rapes, perps, torture and levels of dissociative symptoms I suffer from and have to sort out.

I was taken from my sunday school class to the trauamtic event.

This explains why I won't leave my kids in Church, nor do I permit them to go to Church or can go myself anymore. I had to go until I left home as an adult, but after that, I couldn't go. I always knew something bad happened in that funeral home/church in a room with red carpet, and I had a recurring nightmare, but I wasn't sure where I was.

If someone got through this nightmaric post, thank you, and for any thoughts you have on such kinds of "can't see what's happening" trauma.

PS the body memories on this flashback are the worst I have had, even after black eyes and rapes, this is the worst.

 

[Ofo]

I believe you.
I've read about using electricity as torture in cult programming.

I am noting in the situation you described, the current would be flowing from your spine to your head, thus not shocking the men raping you, or going through your chest cavity and stopping your heart.

 

[Fofis]

It is all too common for trauma to be happening very close to places where there are people who don't have a clue. Bystanders are some girls bystanders deliberately and sometimes because they really just don't see it. That doesn't make it less real.

P.S. FYI, we don't use trigger warnings on the forums as a general policy.

 

[Ataba]

Here is a story that has some similarities. It's about a pastor who took kids to a funeral home and who also sexually assaulted them. Link Removed

This story also shows what some secretive sects can do: http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/10/1...at-upstate-new-york-church.html?referer=&_r=0

These crimes happened to older kids, and it's feasible that of it happened to a smaller younger child it would be even harder for the child to process or understand the horrible events happening to them and their body.

Your pain and suffering is real.

These people are not real Christians representative of what all people in a church do. These people are horrific criminals. I can understand why you wouldn't want to go to a church again and your heart to protect your kids. I hope you find peace as you work through these flashbacks and the trauma that happened.

 

[Luwu]

OP here. I'm not feeling too well after posting this. Lots of ringing ears, headache, and fear. I'm curled into a ball. Had to medicate.

I know it was torture. I guess I'll never know what specifically happened. It's fuzzy.

The scary part is that I don't know how I got into the room. I think I went to go to the bathroom and they found me and made me go with them. I felt like I couldn't say no to the men in charge. But I maybe had trauma more than once, because I have differing memories of how they got me into the rooms away from the others.

Sadly, in one memory my Mom paid them to take me. Like babysitting. I think I blamed her for giving me to them. I felt pimped. I don't know if she meant to pimp me or not. She did a lot of other terrible things to all of us. It was unclear at the time her level of involvement.

 

[Recu]

Electricity is fairly common around the world. Batteries and cattle prods. Since it's a church, though? Especially if you were in the south, I would strongly suspect snakes.

 

[Rokuko]

I went through a lot of electricity torture. I'm not sure what your head would have been in, except a vise to keep it stationary so you'd not damage your neck.

 

[Luwu]

I thought it was a vice but I don't know. I was four. I wouldn't know what that was. That was the impression I had since I had a tight crushing feeling as well as a bad headache in the body memory.

I'm sorry that you know and said "a lot". :( You and I shouldn't know of this.

I don't think they cared if they hurt me.

There is a hard loose lump at the back of my skull, as if a small piece of bone is loose under the skin. I always wondered what it was. I also thought that if I had it taken out, maybe I would have a clue what happened to me.

My dad used to hit me on the head a lot, so I wondered if it could be a piece of wood or a fingernail.

 

[Daju]

My dad ( so my alters tell me ) hit me on the head too? In his case, my mom was more protective, and bruises don't show on the top of the head? Plus it's sensitive.
Hurting you excruciatingly, rendering you blind, terrified, and disoriented? All that meant you were almost certain to forget, plus electric shock tends to disrupt memory.
So they actually wanted to hurt you. It was part of their method of concealment. They were likely sadists too. :(
They did not want to kill you, but they could probably have covered up a sudden tragic death: I imagine the guy either was the coroner in his small town or he knew the coroner well. So if he killed the kids he used, he'd have a sudden tragic death, no known cause.
...That is a pretty terrifying picture.

...I am glad you did survive.

 

[Luwu]

I have felt I have had to be extremely vigilant, focused, and intelligent, reading people's every movement, mood, and tone of voice. Why? Because the perps were so organized, so prepared, and so ready for anything.

I now realize that such skills are only honed if needed. It's not fun living that way as a child.

Now I see that it's not normal. Even for bright kids. To be brilliant and so observant.

And, could it be that my mother would drown us as a threat to not talk because she was also afraid of these men's power?

We left that church, we moved to another nearby town, but my father's business was the same. And then we left the country.

My husband's theory is that my parents' real reason for leaving the country was fear of these people who they exposed their perversions and who could harm them. I think it was to avoid extradition or prosecution if we remembered suddenly.

Thank you last poster for confirming my every thought, and I had the same head beating to hide bruises. Except one he accidentally broke my nose. I was kept home for a few days, but had regular nose bleeds for years.

 

[Luwu]

Wondering if being electrocuted is why I cannot wear a watch. The battery just dies too often and I can't afford to keep replacing it.

 

[Guwihif]

Wondering if being electrocuted is why I cannot wear a watch.

Seriously doubtful.