Backcountry
New Here
Diagnosed PTSD. I have a lot of friends who are combat vets with PTSD. I never in a million years thought it would be me. I am a strong, independent person who doesn't take crap from anybody. I speak my mind as easily as I know instantly what's bothering a stranger. I've always been the one people say "lights up a room" when I walk in. Then I met someone who I called the Love of my Life (LOML, for all practical purposes and anonymity). We were two peas in a pod, the best, madly in love. Years later, something happened. I have no closure and never will know for certain but a massive psychotic break occurred following major surgery. The person I loved was gone. In the LOML's place was a narcissistic, controlling, emotionally, physically and sexually abusive, violent person where there was once a partner, better half, lover, and best friend.
Here's the kicker... I stayed.
Here's why...You don't leave someone you love, right?! Especially when you know something has happened to them beyond their control? When they are talking nonsense and suicide? Remembering things that never happened? So paranoid normal function is impossible. When you are the only one they still allow in their life? That had to mean they were still "in there" somewhere, right??? I stayed because I loved and cared very deeply for the LOML. I put myself last because after all, there was nothing wrong with me. It was not about me or how I was being treated. It was about the LOML and my desire and responsibility to care for and support.
I only ever wanted the LOML to know someday that I did stay when something happened, as we promised.
It took me almost a year to comes to terms with the fact that I needed help. Another six months to seek and find help. PTSD sneaks up on you. I learned in therapy that it comes after the fact because your brain gets to a safe point where it can process everything that happened. I still have new triggers that show up.
Where I was:
I can say with utmost certainty, I was in a place, mentally, where I WANTED to die. I would not have committed suicide, but I truly wanted to die. My job, family, all has been effected.
Where I am today:
I have learned. I am wiser. I am stronger. I am just starting to be able to talk about it. I fight every day to heal. I have decided the LOML was the greatest love thus far and an even deeper and stronger one awaits me ... when I am ready! My support to all of you out there. You are not alone.
Thank you,
Backcountry
Here's the kicker... I stayed.
Here's why...You don't leave someone you love, right?! Especially when you know something has happened to them beyond their control? When they are talking nonsense and suicide? Remembering things that never happened? So paranoid normal function is impossible. When you are the only one they still allow in their life? That had to mean they were still "in there" somewhere, right??? I stayed because I loved and cared very deeply for the LOML. I put myself last because after all, there was nothing wrong with me. It was not about me or how I was being treated. It was about the LOML and my desire and responsibility to care for and support.
I only ever wanted the LOML to know someday that I did stay when something happened, as we promised.
It took me almost a year to comes to terms with the fact that I needed help. Another six months to seek and find help. PTSD sneaks up on you. I learned in therapy that it comes after the fact because your brain gets to a safe point where it can process everything that happened. I still have new triggers that show up.
Where I was:
I can say with utmost certainty, I was in a place, mentally, where I WANTED to die. I would not have committed suicide, but I truly wanted to die. My job, family, all has been effected.
Where I am today:
I have learned. I am wiser. I am stronger. I am just starting to be able to talk about it. I fight every day to heal. I have decided the LOML was the greatest love thus far and an even deeper and stronger one awaits me ... when I am ready! My support to all of you out there. You are not alone.
Thank you,
Backcountry
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