Mentally Disabled Siblings, Can Anyone Relate?

[Kimberley]

I understand that it seems my parents were the ones in the wrong. they were in an incredibly bad place. because my brother could not be diagnosed . They could not get any assistance. no department would take him. I recently found out from an old family friend that my mother had to abandon him in order for him to be taken into care. she had to take him into a care facility for a meeting & just leave him in the office. I cant imagine how my mother did that. But she did that to protect her other children. I know my brother could not control himself. but Im in a very early stage of working everything out. I feel a lot of hate towards him. none of my family were at fault. it a horrible case of circumstance. if anyone is to blame its the government for not giving my parents resources to be able to protect us.

 

[Lucycat]

I am horrified by the tone and terminology in this thread. I agree that abusers do not deserve our respect but to label all people with learning disability in terms that imply they are all abusers and not to be respected is dreadful.

There is a huge difference between those whose disability precludes them from understanding right from wrong ( and this frequently includes self satisfying bahaviour as they cannot empathise with another's feelings) and those who deliberately seek to cause harm.

Where are the 'Child Protection' and /or 'Vulnerable Adult' services in the support and protection of the person with learning difficulties and their families?

 

[joeylittle]

Where are the 'Child Protection' and /or 'Vulnerable Adult' services in the support and protection of the person with learning difficulties and their families?

Another deeply under-served and stigmatized population. People are so afraid of other people who have anything at all going on with their brains - mental illness, developmental delay...I'd have to go statistic-seeking, but I'd be surprised if it wasn't a situation where the resources are too scant for the population needing service.

My brother had to barricade himself in the bathroom and shoot through the door at my parents (with a shotgun) before they would face the fact that it wasn't just hormones, and it wasn't just drugs, he was actually ill. Denial is a powerful force.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think part of what upset me was the putting down of a particular segment of disabled people. PTSD is a disability so I think we owe it not only to ourselves but to the rest of the world to stop the disability shaming, no matter the exact nature of the disability (physical, mental, intellectual, etc). We hurt when we are discriminated against and stigmatized, so we shouldn't be doing the same to others.

 

[Kintsugi]

I'd be surprised if it wasn't a situation where the resources are too scant for the population needing service.

The waiting list for my state is currently 7,000 strong for developmental disabilities. My agency has three vacancies available. :( It's a bad situation.

Regarding the potentially volatile thread topic... generalizing and stigmatizing is not good. However, typically in my experience the developmentally or intellectually disabled are framed as angelic, infantile, and completely ignorant. Not always true. Not even usually true. Seeing them as people is an important part of not generalizing--as important as not demonizing them.

 

[Chava]

typically in my experience the developmentally or intellectually disabled are framed as angelic, infantile, and completely ignorant.

In my experience (with family, but work for a few years), they are helped through smart behavior intervention and management. There is structure to help them manage or contain their meltdowns or violence. So that they are safe, but others are as well. And they do work on regulation. But I understand it's not like that everywhere and that's unfortunate.

But we can't paint them (or our stereotypes) with a wide brush. They aren't all angels, they aren't all abusers, and they certainly aren't "f*cktards." They are just different humans with different needs and far fewer resources. But if severely cognitively impaired or developmentally disabled (learning disabilities do not count here), it is the job of the caregivers or the local social services or state to provide a safe and stable situation for these individuals. If you get punched in the face by a boy with severe mental retardation, someone wasn't helping him with basic behaviors, or providing structure, or watching him to a safe extent. It lies in the hands of the caretakers.

That all being said, I also had the shit beat out of me by my other brother but don't consider it part of my trauma. Not sure I should. We were close in age...and now we get along great.

Anyway, this is how it goes when systems fail and it's hard, and sad.

 

[Kimberley]

I'm feeling like the point has been missed & feeling a little upset about. I never generalized that all people with disabilities were abusers or that they are all violent. but my brother was, he had Sanfilippo syndrome. He was finally diagnosed at about 25. after years of misdiagnosis & also being told just bad parenting. My mother was also terrified of him & I now believe she also suffered PTSD after my father opening up to me. I don't remember but he went & lived in separate accommodation with him when it got so bad. my father came home & found my mother knocked out. He was incredibly strong. because its degenerative most children with it are fairly normal up until the age of 5 when they start to regress. he died from this at the age of 32, he took 2 weeks to die of starvation. he looked like someone from a concentration camp. When he was in hospital is the only time I saw him as a human. he was dying. I was happy & sad. happy I would never be scared of him again & sad I never got to meet my brother when everyone else had known him before it took full hold. that's probably why they were somewhat in denial because they saw he was normal once. My mother was traumatised & my father also. they couldn't protect themselves let alone me. My father has apologised manny times for his failure to see the damage. I do not blame him or my mother.

I hate that I felt that was about him & that Im terrified of people with serious to mild mental disabilities. I feel like shit about it. I was just trying to find out if anyone felt the same. experience I was made to feel like he was normal & i should love him ect. I was made to feel awful about not seeing him as anything else. So I get that people have had good experiences & everyone is trying to be PC but I feel like Im once again not being allowed to hate him. If I want to call my physical & sexual abuser a f*cktard. I should be allowed to. he was a monster not my brother.

 

[Kimberley]

If you get punched in the face by a boy with severe mental retardation, someone wasn't helping him with basic behaviors, or providing structure, or watching him to a safe extent.

this comment upsets me because my whole family was in trauma, what he had caused violent outbursts. He needed 24 hr care. which wasn't provided. when he was finaly put in care ( in which they had to abandon him to the state) all they did was sedate him 24/7. so the proper carers couldn't control him or provide a safe workplace either. So if professionals couldn't provide that. I Im quite offended that saying my parents could. He was also molested by a bus driver & after that started sexually assaulting others. often Violently. the one good thing my brother did was be part of a study so that they can test a foetus for it. its not a life & I would beg anyone who tested positive for this horrible illness to terminate the pregnancy.

 

[ms spock]

I recently found out from an old family friend that my mother had to abandon him in order for him to be taken into care. she had to take him into a care facility for a meeting & just leave him in the office.

Oh Kimberley! Your poor, poor mother. Oh your family had it really tough with that one. Gosh. There are no words. No words at all.

I cant imagine how my mother did that.

Oh gosh so she did put you other kids in the picture - she was just in a hellish predicament - you were all in hell. Your Mother was totally damned if she did and totally damned if she didn't.

But she did that to protect her other children.

She was a remarkable woman. And to be put in that position. That is just appalling.

I know my brother could not control himself. but Im in a very early stage of working everything out. I feel a lot of hate towards him. none of my family were at fault. it a horrible case of circumstance. if anyone is to blame its the government for not giving my parents resources to be able to protect us.

Oh gosh that is a predicament to be put into. And to be let down so badly.

I so feel for your family.

It must be really heartbreaking @Kimberley.

 

[ms spock]

so the proper carers couldn't control him or provide a safe workplace either. So if professionals couldn't provide that. I'm quite offended that saying my parents could.

Yes it was beyond everyone - and that is a very hard row to hoe. I feel for you. I feel for your parents. I feel for your family.

He was also molested by a bus driver & after that started sexually assaulting others. often Violently.

So your parents were brave and tried to give him a life, quality of life, give him an outside life, and he went out and was sexually abused and then it all fell apart. I can't imagine how hard that was for you. Gosh you parents would have gone out of their minds with that.

Sometimes there is no easy answer - and it is beyond everyone. Gosh what a hand to be dealt.

Did this bus driver get reported to the Royal Commission on Child Sexual Abuse? So many of them haven't. It drives me nuts.

 

[Kimberley]

Did this bus driver get reported to the Royal Commission on Child Sexual Abuse? So many of them haven't

Yes he was mentioned in the Royal commission. he abused manny all intellectually disabled.

 

[ms spock]

OH GOD @Kimberley! I am so, so sorry. That must mean all media is a stressor or trigger for you at the moment. And has been for a very long time.

I am so glad that he got done - but the total and utter devastation that man reaped in your family. It beggars belief.

It is amazing you are still with us Kimberley.