It Won't Stop

[BlueDream]

I have been crying for 3 days. If I'm not crying, I'm pissed and in a rage. I keep feeling like I am light headed and going to pass out. I don't take any prescription meds and I'm out of weed.
I know I've been triggered by several things over the last few days, but i can't seem to shake it.
Any advice would be helpful
Thanks!!

 

[Ronin]

How's your sleeping and eating right now?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Grounding? I have a good thread (out of MANY threads) if you'd like it.

 

[BlueDream]

I have been staying up really late 3-4am. I like being awake when everyone else is in bed.
Meal time at my house, is always triggering, if it's not the bs on the nightly news, my parents insist on watching, then it's my son not wanting to eat what was fixed. (My childhood, that was not an issue, since I was made to "clean my plate" every meal)
So long story short, I have been eating but not regularly.

 

[BlueDream]

About two weeks ago I told my mom we were moving. Her reply was "you owe me 30K, how can you move, owing me".
I'm sure that is what started this downward spiral.
Please know my mother has never written me a check for 30k, I guess this is what I owe her for raising me.
Because I have never borrowed this amount.

After a big fight, I told her, that at one point in her life she owed her mother 50k, and her mother never treated her with the disrespect that she show's me. That shut her up for a few days, but at our house we just sweep it under the rug, and don't talk about any of it. They have known I have PTSD for 5 years or so now, never once have they looked up any info about it. It's just another excuse.....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

They have known I have PTSD for 5 years or so now, never once have they looked up any info about it. It's just another excuse.....

I have a thick PTSD sourcebook & my dad, instead of reading it (he lives with me) he constantly tells me to 'just get over it' while constantly invailidating anything bad happened whist he was with my mom & not only is that not true he was part of it.

Im sorry your mom is making it hard! Family can complicate everything! Do you guys live together? Can there be boundries set? Maybe inform your mom of triggers, read outloud some PTSD material so she has to hear it? Talk to her about it and explain things to her?

Just some thoughts of things Ive had to do that helped some. Its far from perfect but its to the point that he keeps his hurtful thoughts to himself (most of the time). Boundries were very important in my home so maybe a good place to start?

 

[BlueDream]

Unfortunately I can't talk to them.
My mom is a narcissist and my dad just does not want to hear it, He has been the one to use the "just get over it".
I was thinking I would write a long letter after we move, about me and what I have been through and the parts they have played. I didn't want to write it until after we moved, because I know just writing it will trigger me badly.
Maybe this is what it all comes down to, It's just spinning around & around until I can get it out.

 

[Friday]

My family is great. Fantastic, marvelous, wonderful people... Who drive me completely f*cking insane. They mean well and it's still 10,000 kinds of stress on a daily / hourly / minutely basis. My stress level goes through the roof when I'm staying with them. And these are good people who mean well, not narcissists or assholes! :wtf:

No routine of my own, constant interference in any attempt to set up even a ghost of a routine, family politics, having to follow someone else's rules -period- but worse when they make zero sense to me/ or worst yet are the opposite of my own rules, never being able to relax, crap for boundaries, interfering with my child, triggers, stressors... It's eye crossing. I've melted down or shut down or blown up more than a few times when staying with family.

So if it were me? That would be 3 days of stress cup starting to overflow / I've just gone non-functional from stress. And the way to "fix" that is to lower stress levels. Short term, bleed it off; Long term, move so that I can develop my own routine, live by rules that make sense to me, manage my triggers & stressors (that I can do on my own that I can't do with others... Like leave lights on, not have the news playing at dinner, etc.), etc.

 

[BlueDream]

It's nice to know I'm not alone!!
Thanks for the advice @FridayJones, @Cashew & @lostforgottensoul

 

[Ronin]

I was thinking I would write a long letter after we move

To be honest if they're abusive, I'd just enjoy the freedom & work at healing, recognizing enjoying freedom may not be even doable for a few years to come - scratching the letters. Unless letters writing is helpful to you, and to your own benefit at that point, it's not really something that would change what happened, what they chose to do to their own child.

 

[Ronin]

Meal time at my house, is always triggering

I get that - though reframing: That food is one of the tools making sure you'll get out, physically healthier than with no food. Use all of it you can, eat up, learn to think of food as a friend & ally, even when they're still pestering there with their f*ckery. (I'm trying to not go there, but that summary may be easier: They are your enemy, the food is not, eating is not. In a way it's a gift, even if coming with all that bullshit they bring.)

Can you eat somewhere where the context is different? (Also apologies if the reaction to this is triggery, I'm aware abuse&EDs are easily triggerable by discussing them. Not trying to be inquisitive or criticizing & answering is completely optional.)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

not have the news playing at dinner, etc.), etc.

OMG! Fox New ALL.....DAY.....LONG!!!!

Talk about triggering!

@BlueDream you are SO not alone. My entire family believes my abusers, dont talk to me but find ways to bring absolute insane drama to my life going as low as googling & internet stalking me, calling Drs, calling my therapist, prank calling my house, started an "[insert my name] is crazy" facebook page where they were going wild at stating all the things they hate about me & twisting everything. Its insane! My dad doesnt really believe me so its the 'elephant in the room' that we dont talk about because if i hear 'just get over it' one more time....

Sorry, didnt mean to go on a tanget; just know that I feel yeah and know families can make life so much worse for us trauma survivors. But we're here! :hug:

PS: If you can move, I would, and its sometimes not even worth writing a letter, if they dont want to understand you cant force them to. If you think that will help then do it but sanity and having a calm place for you is important!