Well, I'm here.
At some point in my life between 6-8 (it's a bit foggy and fragmented) I was violently sexually assaulted by a 17 year old neighbor that I didn't know well. Really though, it started before that in different ways, with parental abandonment and neglect. It was no wonder that when I finally came crashing (well, okay, shaking and on the verge of a panic attack) that I didn't even know where to begin when my psychiatrist asked me, "So, what brings you in?"
I know I still have a long way to go, with only three weeks under my belt. On my second visit, my psychiatrist told me that what I described sounded like PTSD. I left with mixed and confused emotions, mostly due to the severe anxiety I've suffered most of my life in talking with a total stranger about intimate issues, but after reading up on CPTSD privately, I'd have to highly agree with his observation.
The hardest thing, I think, isn't so much that I disagreed with his idea that this might be what it is. On the contrary, I feel very strongly that most of what's going on right now is CPTSD. I just lacked the vernacular of the therapy world to describe what I was feeling into something that made sense.
For example, flashbacks. PTSD always seemed to me to represent combat veterans, people with 'shell shock' so to speak. I know, I'm groaning right along with anyone who might read this... but it's true. And although I did suffer a very 'true' trauma (sexual assault as a child) I didn't realize how long it can last untreated, and how much more complex (do you see what I did there?) it can be. As if it were ever that simple, right?
Well, by the last visit, I did inquire about it, but I felt like maybe my psychiatrist was being evasive about the possibility in our previous session. I told him that I really felt like he was right, and volunteered that I read up on CPTSD. He explained that he prefers to approach the symptoms rather than applying labels. While I understand this, I have mixed feelings on it. (Some of which are insurance purposes, as I would have more coverage if it was diagnosed.)
My anxiety is what is kicking me in the teeth in effective communication, but I am really feeling impatient about the evasiveness in just giving me a general idea of what he thinks is going on. For me, this is a big trust barrier. I feel like he had me pegged from our first session, and like he's waiting for something, I just don't know what. Similarly, I'm waiting for him to acknowledge that he sees me suffering and puts a word to it for better communication. (So I know what sort of words to use for certain feelings, etc.)
The second reason is, I have told him I feel like I'm going crazy. He asked, "What do you mean?" and I feel like if he could just give me some general idea of what might be going on, I could just use the words (that I have now learned are in fact what I'm experiencing) instead of wasting time stuttering out obscure descriptions or scene-by-scene recollections that cycle me right back into PTSD mode between sessions. (Which hey, I learned about those, too.)
Now I'm just afraid that when I see him again, if I use 'his' language, he's going to see me as self diagnosing, and I really very badly want help, but I'm so exhausted all the time and I have a toddler that relies on me to function. I can't shoot off into disassociation mode for two days every time I see him, especially if I seek help for her care taking and need to answer to other people as to why I need the help in the first place.
I know that this isn't exactly rational, but at the same time I think it'd make between sessions so much easier if there were a little validation. I need to be able to talk to my husband, and open up certain barriers that have kept me from getting close to him when I feel vulnerable. Coming home and describing to him that we just 'talked about feels' and 'reminisced' doesn't exactly feel satisfactory. I want to tell him, yes, I have CPTSD, here's what we can do, and here's what you can do.
Furthermore, I know that he has to take family history. Absolutely, and truly. I have no qualms about this. I have made a lot of truly remarkable realizations myself, too. I acknowledge this, too, is also part of the process. I guess I'm just super anxious, and I feel like the chief complaint (nightmares/flashbacks/disassociation) from my childhood (more classical PTSD) hasn't even really been mentioned since then, and I feel clueless as to what's next.
At some point in my life between 6-8 (it's a bit foggy and fragmented) I was violently sexually assaulted by a 17 year old neighbor that I didn't know well. Really though, it started before that in different ways, with parental abandonment and neglect. It was no wonder that when I finally came crashing (well, okay, shaking and on the verge of a panic attack) that I didn't even know where to begin when my psychiatrist asked me, "So, what brings you in?"
I know I still have a long way to go, with only three weeks under my belt. On my second visit, my psychiatrist told me that what I described sounded like PTSD. I left with mixed and confused emotions, mostly due to the severe anxiety I've suffered most of my life in talking with a total stranger about intimate issues, but after reading up on CPTSD privately, I'd have to highly agree with his observation.
The hardest thing, I think, isn't so much that I disagreed with his idea that this might be what it is. On the contrary, I feel very strongly that most of what's going on right now is CPTSD. I just lacked the vernacular of the therapy world to describe what I was feeling into something that made sense.
For example, flashbacks. PTSD always seemed to me to represent combat veterans, people with 'shell shock' so to speak. I know, I'm groaning right along with anyone who might read this... but it's true. And although I did suffer a very 'true' trauma (sexual assault as a child) I didn't realize how long it can last untreated, and how much more complex (do you see what I did there?) it can be. As if it were ever that simple, right?
Well, by the last visit, I did inquire about it, but I felt like maybe my psychiatrist was being evasive about the possibility in our previous session. I told him that I really felt like he was right, and volunteered that I read up on CPTSD. He explained that he prefers to approach the symptoms rather than applying labels. While I understand this, I have mixed feelings on it. (Some of which are insurance purposes, as I would have more coverage if it was diagnosed.)
My anxiety is what is kicking me in the teeth in effective communication, but I am really feeling impatient about the evasiveness in just giving me a general idea of what he thinks is going on. For me, this is a big trust barrier. I feel like he had me pegged from our first session, and like he's waiting for something, I just don't know what. Similarly, I'm waiting for him to acknowledge that he sees me suffering and puts a word to it for better communication. (So I know what sort of words to use for certain feelings, etc.)
The second reason is, I have told him I feel like I'm going crazy. He asked, "What do you mean?" and I feel like if he could just give me some general idea of what might be going on, I could just use the words (that I have now learned are in fact what I'm experiencing) instead of wasting time stuttering out obscure descriptions or scene-by-scene recollections that cycle me right back into PTSD mode between sessions. (Which hey, I learned about those, too.)
Now I'm just afraid that when I see him again, if I use 'his' language, he's going to see me as self diagnosing, and I really very badly want help, but I'm so exhausted all the time and I have a toddler that relies on me to function. I can't shoot off into disassociation mode for two days every time I see him, especially if I seek help for her care taking and need to answer to other people as to why I need the help in the first place.
I know that this isn't exactly rational, but at the same time I think it'd make between sessions so much easier if there were a little validation. I need to be able to talk to my husband, and open up certain barriers that have kept me from getting close to him when I feel vulnerable. Coming home and describing to him that we just 'talked about feels' and 'reminisced' doesn't exactly feel satisfactory. I want to tell him, yes, I have CPTSD, here's what we can do, and here's what you can do.
Furthermore, I know that he has to take family history. Absolutely, and truly. I have no qualms about this. I have made a lot of truly remarkable realizations myself, too. I acknowledge this, too, is also part of the process. I guess I'm just super anxious, and I feel like the chief complaint (nightmares/flashbacks/disassociation) from my childhood (more classical PTSD) hasn't even really been mentioned since then, and I feel clueless as to what's next.
