Relationship Therapist: You Have To Forgive Your Abuser

[Allison_ptsd spouse]

...or therapy can't continue.

I feel like this is BS. She hasn't done any CBT or EMDR with him...maybe she doesn't know how to treat PTSD and is now grasping at straws? Anyway, I don't think he can forgive her... I don't even forgive her. And it's giving him bad ideas like he should invite her to visit when he's in the hospital! We have a 4 month old who needs to be protected from ever having his "egg donor" in our lives.

My instinct is to get a different therapist but he's on Medicaid in a small town... Grr Any thoughts?

 

[EveHarrington]

Initial thought?

No therapy is by far better than bad therapy. I have had therapists who have not known how to deal with PTSD and while they were well intended, I'd get thrown into an episode because I was pushed beyond my comfort zone (and told to do things that none of my trauma therapists would have ever pushed me to do).

IMHO forgiveness can't be forced and isn't always necessary for healing. Some people forgive, others cannot. It is a very personal issue and not something we should (or even can) be forced to do. That is, forced forgiveness can result in simply going through the motions and not be true forgiveness.

 

[sun seeker]

Huhh??

That's my honest thought.

I have never, ever heard of anything like this. Unless there are mitigating circumstances here, and I can't think what they could possibly be, I think it would be worth traveling to another town and looking for a different therapist.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Get a different therapist right away. This fool will cause so much harm.

Forgiveness is not essential for healing. Any decent therapist knows that.

 

[ms spock]

Initial thought?
No therapy is by far better than bad therapy.

I learnt this the very hard way!

 

[ms spock]

I feel like this is BS.

This^^^

She hasn't done any CBT or EMDR with him...maybe she doesn't know how to treat PTSD and is now grasping at straws?

This^^^

 

[Friday]

It is BS.

Agree completely with @EveHarrington No therapy is better than bad therapy.

 

[Ronin]

...or therapy can't continue.

That sounds like a good thing, given current conditions.

You don't have to forgive absolutely anyone.

 

[digger]

...or therapy can't continue.

Just to check....is this word for word what she said, or his interpretation of it?

Either way, I don't personally believe that forgiveness is a necessary part of healing, but just wondering if she is saying she won't do therapy with him if he says he's not up for forgiving his abuser, or if she's stating her belief that therapy will be less effective if he can't forgive?

It doesn't sound like a good fit anyway, and a therapist pushing in that direction would push me out the door.

 

[Milo's papa]

Allison_ptsd spouce,
My wife once asked her trauma therapist if she had to forgive her abusers. His answer was a resounding "hell no". I agree with that sentiment completely. I know that I will never forgive the people that did this to my wife either. Forgiving them only allows the to have power over him, and that's the last thing he needs.

 

[Lucycat]

On Sunday morning TV in the UK, we have a regular program called The Big Question. I love the really difficult issues that it debates with a live audience participation and interested 'experts'.

This week one of of the questions was about forgiveness. It quickly became clear that - amongst the participants- those with a religious base thought forgiveness was obligatory to the healing of the 'victim' whereas those from a non religious background - including a very articulate psychotherapist - were very much in favour of individual choice.

Personally I cannot forgive as that, to me , feels like condoning the behaviour. I don't think I have the authority to forgive. I think it is more about the abuser being able to forgive themselves, and I don't need to be a party to that discussion.

 

[OP Allison]

Just to check....is this word for word what she said, or his interpretation of it?

The way he remembers it is he asks, "If I can't forgive her, is therapy pretty much pointless." And she replies, "Yes..."

It's good to hear everyone agreeing. I hope this will help him not to be bullied in this way.

Sorry for taking so long to respond. Has been hectic with H in the hospital. We'll find out tomorrow if the antibiotics have been working.