Sufferer Introduction Of Me & Companion Ptsd

[Bloomy]

I allready been here some time and had some interaction with people on the chat and my page.
What does one say in a introduction?

Hey, Im Bloomy. A woman living on overtime trying still steady to fix her life before its to late. I have subcomed a child hood from hell which I like to refer to as the civil war. Im a surviving combat warrior. Since all in the family lived in their respective rooms behind closed door suspious of the others and speaking for myself - dead scared. All kinds of abuse and violence and total lack of love and care. Sister and mom did their best to kill me some times too. My childhood nightmare ended when I was about 28 years when first my "mother" tried to hit on me following the next year my "dad" almost raped me again with my sister claiming Im to blame and that I tried to seduce that poor sucker of a no good alkolic diseateres excuse of a "man".
After this I went to total NC filed a case against them and changed my name.

Today Im trying and Im struggling to move ahead. To reach the life that I so much deserve. I dont feel I so much suffer from the memories anymore. But all the traumas made it dificult for me to get education and to stay in work. And I do have clear symptoms to react upon situations as a PTSD survivor. All I want is a safe job and good income and to slowly heal and be well.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi and Welcome to the forum.
I hope you find the information on here helpful and the people supportive - I know I have!
Regards, Lucy x

 

[Anrish]

Welcome to the forum @Bloomy . :hug:

You made a strong and brave introduction showing much courage. You can be proud of you - that's one of the first steps for healing.

Getting out of that bad circumstances was an enormous step. Take your time. Take your time to heal and take some time for self care. The job can help you - but if you put yourself under too much pressure it can also hurt you. Don't push yourself too hard. It's a bad habit most of us have here - so I can relate to your problem.

Do you currently have a job or study? ...is there something to focus on - a certain goal? Something you want to reach - make it more specific in tiny steps. That might help a bit. :hug: ...and enjoy your time here. :hug::hug:

 

[Bloomy]

I am very ashamed of being on social welfare. Its hard for me to say it loud so others can hear it. But that is the situation. And social welfare is about to drown me down the drain to total poverty.So I need to manage to work and take care of myself at the same time to feel there is hope ahead of me. I have a job now beside the welfare that work counsler got me. Its underpaid and the boss is not a very considered person, but this is what I got to do besides applying for more reasonable work.

My goal is therefor this - a work that is normal paid with normal oc - workers and hopefully a more understanding boss. And my dream all my life has been to go to university. I jst cant seem to pass examen in mathematic to get there. Still not giving it up just yet.
And If I get reasonable work I can afford to start to do things that will do me good. Like paying bills foremost. But also to do the things I so long have been longing for. Participating in races and competition, start dance classes, be able to take my daughter out for dinner, go somewhere for the summer. Save money for deposit so I can move to a place where I can thrive better (house is ok, but In need a light place with wiew).

So pushing hard is a common challenge? My last therapist tried to teach me the art of being kind to myself. Unfortunately she got sick and had to quit job before I understood.

Thanks so much for this warm welcome Anrid :) Means a whole lot to have this support. Im glad Ive found this place.

 

[DharmaGirl]

When I had to go on disability, my therapist told me my job was to work on healing, and to not bother feeling bad about being on disability. It was hard for me not to work, it was my coping mechanism, but now I know I can't. It is managed poverty, though, isn't it?

 

[ladee]

Welcome @Bloomy. A wonderful place you have found here. I also am on all kinds of welfare , but I have recently retired , and from a type of work I can not go back to. Just too many triggers and stress. But ,like you, I do want to work. It helps keep my mind occupied and God knows I need the money... it's like @DharmaGirl shared, managed poverty, which is stressful all by itself...
And congratulations for not giving up wanting to go back to school. That is awesome... Dreams do come true, and you will get a lot of support and validation here. This place has become my 'life raft'. Sending you hugs if you accept them.:hug:

 

[Bloomy]

Im not on disability money, just social welfare. To me this poverty is destabilizing and triggers to much my fears and sense of worthlessness and that Im just what my "mother" told me I was. Besides I still have resourses and I belive ability to work. I belive that despite what Ive been trhough Im not doing that bad today. IIve been though the worst. I think part of my problem is not only about the PTSD, but also that it lead me to live a life Im not content with. A life were I dont get to use myself in a meaningful way through meaningful work. My therapist also says I should be on disability and work on myself. I dont feel this is right. For me. I managed to fight myself to a education as a trainer, a work I loved and I know how good that made me feel. At that time I didnt have support when the going go rough. Now I belive maybe I can have.

I hope dreams can come true. Im glad Im here. My days are rollercoasters. But to be here helps. Life raft yes. Im still fighting for having the life I yearn for. PTSD growth is still my aim. When I was a kid this was my promise to myself. If I survived I would make my self the life I deserve. And I dont feel that Im ready to let go of that dream just yet.

Thanks for your comments all of you - sincerely appreciate and means a lot :)

 

[intothelight]

@Bloomy Welcome!

I hope the support here helps you move forward and realize your goals and dreams.

 

[RavenGirl]

@Bloomy , glad you have the drive to pursue whatever you want to do and be in your life. With that being said don't over stress yourself, you need to take care of yourself and sometimes that means taking a step back and just working on you. Welcome to the forum, where there's great people who really care. :hug:;)

 

[Saria]

Welcome to the forum :) @Bloomy

My last therapist tried to teach me the art of being kind to myself

This is one of my main goals in therapy (and life) too. Have you read this book? http://www.wastlundsalvesen.no/boken/
I thought it was quite good. It's written by trauma therapists and includes theory and exercises on how to cultivate mindfulness and (self)compassion.

If I survived I would make my self the life I deserve

You're getting there! Your post reminded me of this quote

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

Remember, you'll always have the capacity to cultivate kindness towards yourself, even if it sometimes seems impossible.

 

[Bloomy]

@Bloomy Welcome!

I hope the support here helps you move forward and realize yo...

The support I get from here is indeed great yes. Havent been here so long, but long enough to allready benefit. Im trying to learn to not being on the fence all the time fighting, but also find the time to retreat. I think its common for trauma survivors to not handle calmness so well? Warm thanks for your welcome and support Raven.

 

[Bloomy]

Welcome to the forum :) @Bloomy



This is one of my main goals in therapy (and life) t...

Saria - looks you are norwegian? Im reading the book Traumebehandling komplekse lidelser og dissosiasjon by Trine Anstorp and Kirsten Benum. Great book that gives meaning to the chaos. Book rec is always welcome so takk :-)

PTSD growth is my straw and my reason for fighting this through - come rain or shine. And yet again I got a reminder to cultivate kindness. My ex therapist was and still is despite we no longer have sessions a voice in my head to also remind me of this.

Some days I think Im just faking it. That Ill not make it. But holding on to the saying fake it till you make it.