Okay, Another One Of Us In Here, It Seems?

[Deleted member 28403]

So, recently a huge trigger happened, I was really unstable on edge, and then to top it, not a little thing that might make me have a minor breakdown. No, instead while on absolute edge, I see my abuser.

So, right after that, 20 seconds later I was gone. I got out of the bus, and past that point all is blank

Usually when I'm gone, one of two things happen.

If it's a triggering situation that is somehow deemed dangerous, I won't remember beating someone up or something. An alter or something takes over and does it. No memory left. I only know because some times some friend was with me, and told me later.

The other option is some sort of a punching bag alter that is there to suffer. Or take it on instead of me. So, just crying, and crouching, and doing nothing are involved. Also a blank in memory, though I think some of them did come back.

And now, there is this third one, that seems to be a bit closer to normal me. I mean, I have no idea what he or whatever did, but taking anxiety meds and getting me home, in like, one and a half hour. I mean, took a bit bigger dose, so it held me calm till 6 hours after the event, when it lost effect and I was in the absolute panic, hallucinating, everything happening at once state for hours. I ended up constantly shaking for the next 40-50 hours.

I am still confused and thinking a lot about what happened then. I saw him, then walked out of the bus, walked for 20 seconds or so, and then, nothing, complete blank. Next thing I know, I'm home, on bed, some pills gone, and incredibly calm, about 1.5 hours after the event.

Is it possible one of the other two learned another behaviour?

Anyone else had similar things happen, any opinions?

 

[Riot]

Lately, when I feel 'triggered' and it's escalating inhumanly, I instantly take my anxiety meds. I keep them on hand, even if it means an emergency one in my pocket.

That sounds really scary, though. Thinking of you.

 

[Stickler]

I only know because mine talk to me. I would ask.
See if you get an internal reply?

 

[Ronin]

I'd go for observing my body. Muscle tone & the way I move, honestly. Shift of how whoever's 'I' feels in our body is a better indicator of changes or upcoming changes than anything else, because everything else (as reaction style, responding style, writing, speech, mannerisms, etc) we've learned to fake enough to pass for a singleton & pass under close scrutiny. Subtle shifts in my body, is not.

Seconding asking.

& I'd relay to that buddy blanking you out is the opposite of protecting you. You need to do teamwork on knowing what on earth happened, at least a basic clue. Having to do a detective work about both trauma and 'own' reactions is slowing you down. From processing and healing, I mean, I realize time may not be essential in other ways.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Stickler
Now try talking to one person trying to smack you, and the other crying. Neither of them seem to talk at all. And the angry one is short to come out, the other one can be a long time.

I dont know how to talk to me, as I do not control when they are out

 

[Ronin]

Find how exactly is the 'angry' person triggered into coming out, perhaps?

I mean, obviously, it's to protect you & in situations perceived as a danger to health, but that would be a very simplifying answer; that the person/people manages to hide all the other time & hide from you as well & hide relevant memories from you implies they have lot more ability to NOT come out and plan up when they do, so figure the mechanism behind that?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I know about exactly how it's triggered.

Something close to a traumatic situation where I was in danger happens, like physical harm danger. And then, I'm not there anymore. Bad stuff happens.

 

[Ronin]

Can you think of it through associations?

What I mean, is our pretty hard-wired memory blocks & keeping a lot away from each other still slipped through differing associations to random stimuli, different millisec reactions in lingering over words and the like, so it wasn't entirely like nobody knows nothin' of what's up, we obviously recognized / the same brain did, how we went about processing the same stuff differed/differs.

 

[Ronin]

Also:

What happens when you tell yourself you can manage that danger? I know. It's scary. Dangerous. Anxiety making. Let's puke at it. But manageable?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by that?

How do I think of something that is an association already through associations?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Hmm, cashew, I rarely tell myself something like that. It ends up being more of a either I can manage it, or there isnt any time to say anything.

 

[Ronin]

I mean about the times you 'don't know what happened, at all'. I'm basically saying it's retrievable memories and awareness, in finding out how each of you remembers / what kind of spots you don't remember?