Other Today I Self Harmed

[Riot]

I don't really know why I decided to take my kitchen knife and slash the top of both of my arm several times. Nothing too deep for stitches. I hardly felt it at all, and I think that's what scares me most. I was sort of surprised at the amount of blood, as it's been awhile since I've cut this haphazardly, decades actually, but yeah, it happened, and now I'm just sitting here being all numb. I feel like I could easily continue to cut, even right now.

I guess I have been feeling overwhelmingly angry, mostly at myself. I feel very frustrated regarding therapy, too, and now I've paradoxically put myself in an even more frustrating self sabotaged position. I was worried about my appointment tomorrow (in about 18 hours) but now I just don't feel anything.

I don't know how I'll bring it up in therapy, or if I even can. Would it be super weird if I just rolled up my sleeves (or alternatively just wore a short sleeved shirt) to show my therapist what happened? I obviously have severe issues communicating verbally my problems, but the 'logical' part of my brain recognizes this needs to be addressed with my therapist.

 

[hodge]

No, either one of those options wouldn't be super weird. If that's the only way you can let your therapist know, then go for it. Wishing you the best.

 

[Riot]

@hodge, really? It seems really weird to me. I'm sort of at a loss for what to do.

 

[hodge]

Yes, I would do it, really. You're paying her to help you and she or he needs to know.

 

[Riot]

@hodge, alright. I'll try. Right now I don't even feel like going. I'm just waiting for my husband to get home so I can black out (I hope) until I need to be up in the morning.

 

[hodge]

Hang in there, Riot. I know how hard it can be to go to therapy, but usually it's when we need it most that it's hardest. Take care.

 

[Riot]

@hodge, thank you.

 

[hodge]

You're very welcome, Riot. I wish you the best tomorrow!

 

[Jnean]

somehow last few weeks I knew I was getting to the point of cutting or doing something wrecklace, told my therapist and got a new med that I feel like is actually helping, for now. It's very scary to he where you are at and I am sorry you are hurting. I would talk to my therapist right away even if it is extremely hard. I'm noticing more and more that everything nearly seems, is, or feels extremely difficult when trying to heal from trauma. There will always be a part of me that is damaged that no medicine or therapist can fix, and at times every single minute of the day feels hard to make it through, I dont know, I go through depressive states, I feel good, I am hyper, and it circles back around, sometimes all in a month, sometimes all in couple of months. I don't know if I can ever change that. I'm trying to just cope with right now and that's all I can do. One minute at a time Riot.

 

[Mytime]

Tell your therapist any way you would like. He or she are there to help you not to judge you or tell you how to communicate with them. People communicate in different ways. You do what is best for you. If you communicate by showing, show. If you communicate by writing, write a letter or text. Do what is best for you, because their there for you. I hope your session go's well.

 

[Riot]

@Jnean, I don't know that I anticipated this. It was pretty sudden. I was actually doing dishes when I lashed out at myself. (Thankfully that meant the knife was freshly scrubbed and clean.) I did ask him for some emergency anti-depressant medication, and he said he wasn't going to prescribe me any. I chalk this up to the fact that I only recently started therapy, though.

@Mytime, I obviously agree with you. My problem (well, heh, one of them) is with the incredible difficulty I have in bringing up issues.

 

[Jnean]

I see what your saying, so many times I just can't even speak with my therapist and I hate it because i don't want anyone to feel they have to pull teeth. I practice with myself sometimes when I'm alone cuz if I say it aloud, sometimes I can just repeat what I remember saying aloud. It's just so much exposure and rawness that scares me at the time, then it doesn't hurt when I get it out so I'm okay. I just remind myself alot that I am safe. I don't know if any of this helps but I will be thinking of you.