Awaiting the test results.

[Deleted member 20280]

Dear @SheilaKathy that is a yes and I am already in contact with the UK Drug and Alcohol program.

I have had to take really hard life changing decisions these past few days and I make them openly and publicly hence my earlier statement regarding total transparency.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@Mr Laurie. You don't hear from me often, but I notice you in chat and must say t...

Dear @KwanYingirl I was in the middle of a huge flashback, I verbally attacked another member in front of other forum users and an on duty staff member. I took stock of the situation and have posted regarding this matter to moderators a full and open apology. I have not been in a good place and should not have come onto the forum that evening as I know well. I have been temporarily banned from the chat-room for my clear breach of the rules that are here to protect every members.

I accept my ban and will await the adjudication of the staff members and when they feel that my ban is over this matter will be reconsidered by them and I will be advised that the ban has been lifted from me. Until that time I will not be a stranger to this forum.

If I make a *pardon the phrase* "f*ck up" then I will take stock of my situation, I will accept my blame as I have now.

Thank you for you open and honest reply to me on this thread.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Well I may as well resign myself to a night awake as it is so cold in Devon tonight I have had to resort to taking a hot water bottle to bed. My feet are like blocks of ice and for the first time I am actually wearing jogging bottoms and a long sleeve t-shirt in bed.

Couple the above with my fear regarding my current medic\l situation and we have a catalyst. Unlike earlier times on the forum, I am totally sober tonight. It is 0323 at the moment and I have to be up in just over 4 hours to make the journey to the hospital to see my oncologist, I am going to try desperatelly to get a few hours sleeep, if not sleep at least rest in a darkened room.

Goodnight to all my wonderful *cyber-friends** and thanks for all the fish :)

 

[hodge]

Oh, Laurie, hon. You will be in my prayers every day in a special way (everyone on the forum is in my prayers everyday), praying you will feel God's healing comfort as you face this thing. And we will be here for you. Please keep us posted. big :hug:s

 

[sun seeker]

I'm not "liking" that it is like this for you Laurie, just acknowledging that I hear you. You are so appreciated and valued here. I am hoping and praying for all the best for you.

 

[Whirlwind]

Dear Laurie,

Cancer is a mindless transformation...cellular switches flip and chaos ensues....it is devoid of intent.

You don't "deserve" cancer nor are you to blame. No one is.

Wishing you blissful sleep....

Whirlwind

 

[anonymous]

I hope you get good results and I'll pray to

 

[Ed Norton]

Shit.. That was me...I did anonymous again!

 

[SoSadGuilty]

Good luck this morning @Mr Laurie Cancer is no one's fault, life is filled with risk and even if you'd never put a foot wrong there is still a risk you'd get cancer. Please try to stop blaming and beating yourself up.

 

[Sammyiam]

I am thinking of you Laurie, I will never forget your help in chat the day my Mum died. I will be sending every good thought I have for the test results and for you getting clean and staying sober. You can do it Laurie I know deep down you have the courage and the support from everyone on here to do it.

Thinking of you

Sammy

 

[Kailani]

Hope you don't have cancer! Glad you are taking positive action to address your alcoholism; I'm sure it will have a positive effect on your family!

 

[Deleted member 20280]

As update from this mornings update.

I have this morning 0900 hrs been contacted by my specialist by telephone. The initial test results are clear and negative for bowel caner. I am not out of the woods by any mean feat at all yet though. I have now to go back to him for further tests later this week.

This is the first hurdle only for me as I still have to face further tests in the next wee.

Just in explanation for all so as previously posted, I remain transparent in whole on this thread.

The reason I am so terrified of cancer is that I watched both my maternal grandparents pass away when I was but a child from cancer. My grandmother in particular had a rather nasty, slow and agonizing time in the days proceeding her death. This is the particular strain of cancer i am now facing.

When I was discharged from the armed forces, I decided not to change my chosen professional path and went straight back into nursing, Geriatric terminal Oncology within the private sector. I have sat with and supported nearly 300 terminal patients and witnessed some of the most agonizing deaths I would much rather forget. Some of these have been so horrific I will always live with those memories.

The reason I have taken this step and "come clean" with everyone is the absolute distress I have witnessed over those harrowing years as an end of life Nurse carer. I was a senior carer in the private sector and responsibility fell squarely on my shoulders. I attended every single funeral for every patient I had who had sadly passed away before I finished my career in nursing and went into Law Enforcement. Clearly this encompassed me having to deal with horrific and terrifying situations as a result. I have always chosen this type of career path as I felt so helpless as an abused child I simply never wanted to see anyone else suffer like I did, I got it WRONG. I should have diversified myself away from the emergency services / caring sector because the resulting consequences were felt like a Tsunami 3 years ago with my total and complete breakdown post diagnosis.

I apologize if I appear to be rambling but I feel that at the age of nearly 45 years old it is about time I was brutally honest, not only with others and fess up to what is actually going on with my life but I have to be 100% brutally honest with myself.

I am so so very grateful for all the kind responses I have received on this thread words simply cannot express.

Thank you.

Laurence