Im Conflicted!

[Sideways]

I like the idea of keeping your therapist in the loop, but make sure you include your thoughts about how this might be a safe way to have a positive, non-sexual interaction with a male because, I agree, this could be a good opportunity to have an experience that counteracts the distorted self-concept that was inflicted on you from a young age.

if you're appproaching it with a level head, your T may be really supportive, and they kinda deserve to be in the know when you're making progress as well as when things are rough. But more importantly, it may also let your therapist be a reality-gauge for you, so that they can intervene if "this could be good for me" starts to become an excuse to punish yourself more.

 

[Sideways]

Sorry, to clasrify the comment about punishing yourself, if my inner seductress gets rebuffed, usually it's a signal to me that (a) I need to work harder, & (b) I must really be as revolting as I thought, neither of which are helpful to me.

Hopefully that's not where your 'thing' with this guy is going:)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Well my honest first over-protective thought was "online predator". There can be some creepy people on peer support sites, it's like a buffet of vulnerable individuals for a malignant, predatory psycho type person, so it does happen, and just because someone is a moderator, doesn't make them no longer suspect.

I understand why you'd be suspect about it but remember, he messaged me to help me more with DBT and "taking what i get" in respect of an imaginary "safe place". He never brought up sex and I only did when I figured out his gender and still then he ignored my flirtations until i started down the road of "im sorry im a horrible person".

Then when he said he thought they were sweet that started my (i dont know any other way to put it) my "prostitute side of my brain" and the "i must seduce to be liked".

When he said he was, at times arroused, it was his own confliction. He wasnt telling me because he was trying to hold boundries for us both and didnt want to become "unsafe" in my head. But he told me because i did leave open that space for him the talk to me and for me to be the listener. He had his own processing to do basically.

Now if he messaged me and brought up sex first and was all trying to seduce me, i could see that but he doesnt even reply to my seductions other then a few words like "sounds like "we" had a romantic time in your head" and went on to say "im not planning on that ever happening" so he is keeping some boundries.

Maybe leaving that space open for me to process it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Hopefully that's not where your 'thing' with this guy is going

No not at that and you are 100% correct about punishing myself which is something i did even if i had an automatic sexual thought and its something i havent done since ive been talking to him, i hadnt cut at all or had the thought to which is also new.

Im seeing it a bit more clearer the more i talk about it; he leaves open a space for me to talk about anything, ramble on endlessly because my ramblings tend to be me processing out whatever issue im having. So i think he hasnt stopped it cause he knows i need to figure it out but he just had that one confliction with himself and felt safe as i had told him he could talk to me about anything and i had never judged him for anything; he knew he could process it in that space without me judging and i would be ok with it.

 

[Klo]

I understand why you'd be suspect about it but remember, he messaged me to help me more with D...

Okay walk with me down paranoia lane for just a moment.

1. Why did he message you privately, instead of sticking to the threads where other people could also see the information and also benefit from it?
2. Why is he trying to take on the role of your therapist, instead of just sending you some links or, as mentioned, post the information where everyone can see it?
3. He feels qualified to play therapist to you with his "take what you get" technique, but doesn't have the basic professional decency to enforce some boundaries?
4. He encouraged you to be seductive by telling you that he liked it. Straight-up. I mean seriously, he knows you have a desperate need for approval, and then he gives you approval specifically on the sexual aspect. Does he ever tell you he likes anything else about you? Or is he reinforcing this mechanism only?

And so on and so forth, but most of all, you say you have BPD. Well BPD is usually and mostly an emotional trauma disorder. People with BPD don't just get infatuated, idealize and zoom in on everyone they encounter. Those mechanisms get triggered, and what triggers those mechanisms is likely to be the same things that caused those mechanisms in the first place. I generally would consider it a big bright red flag for a person with BPD when they find themselves with those feelings, something is triggering those mechanisms.

Okay stepping off of paranoia lane. But for real, the fact that you're considering not telling your T everything because your T might think it's unhealthy, is a red flag in and of itself.

If you're not gonna be very open with your T about all of it, then you're choosing to play with fire.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I like the idea of keeping your therapist in the loop, but make sure you include your thoughts about how this might be a safe way to have a positive, non-sexual interaction with a male because, I agree, this could be a good opportunity to have an experience that counteracts the distorted self-concept that was inflicted on you from a young age.

if you're appproaching it with a level head, your T may be really supportive, and they kinda deserve to be in the know when you're making progress as well as when things are rough. But more importantly, it may also let your therapist be a reality-gauge for you, so that they can intervene if "this could be good for me" starts to become an excuse to punish yourself more.

I agree and i do tell my therapist everything so not telling him (my therapist) wouldnt be the norm for me.

I see it more as "seduce, seduce, seduce...no reaction and he still is my friend" type of processing. A way to figure this "must seduce everyone to be liked/loved" from a safe distance and as long as he doesnt respond much to them (as he is now) i think it will help me see that i dont have to do that to be liked and/or loved.

If it were a real life person, i would be RELENTLESS and my therapist knows this; that was my first few therapy sessions, relentless seductions...and if it were in real life, well theres a huge liklihood of something happening where there not as much if at all right now.

He's sorta enjoying what im writing but not really replying to it much so i think he's giving me that space to eventually figure out that i dont have to seduce hum for him to be my friend. Or at least thats how im seeing it now.

Maybe im just worried about "what if"...what if he gives in. What if it crowds out the processing. He did say if he saw that happening we would talk about it, deal with it, cross the bridge if we come to it sorta thing and im also terrified of pushing him away, a common statement to him, and he did say that it wont happen, that would much rather fogure it out together but ive heard that way more than once so i think my fear of knowing how relentless i am with seductions along with my fear of abandonment.

Telling my therapist is a good idea though.

 

[Sideways]

I can definitely see where @Klo is coming from. It does sound a bit like 2 guys from an AA group meeting privately in a bar to talk about their addiction and recovery!

But I'd see what your therapist thinks. Worst case scenario is you get a great big "Get Outta There" from your T. But even then, extracting yourself from the situation without it becoming sexual, and experiencing first hand that you can do that safely and cope - that would be a positive experience as well.

But I'm in a "have faith in humanity" headspace at the moment, and since it's online and more controllable, it may genuinely just be a good experience for both of you. Either way, defer to your T hey:)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If you're not gonna be very open with your T about all of it, then you're choosing to play with fire.

Im gonna tell my therapist, was just worried to, but i probably would of anyway, i tell my therapist everything. Ive worried about tell my therapist stuff before and did anyway and it was always ok.

1. Why did he message you privately, instead of sticking to the threads where other people could also see the information and also benefit from it?

He messaged me because theres a rule in that community that if something goes off topic of a thread then to take it to messages. He wanted to dig further into DBT but i had posted specifically on the imaginary "safe place".

2. Why is he trying to take on the role of your therapist, instead of just sending you some links or, as mentioned, post the information where everyone can see it?

He's not, not in my view and has linked me to more things then i can count.

We also discussed Anthony's core belief article (he found a different one to reference) but we were discussing core beliefs too cuz thats a different thread i had posted & it also would have been off topic.

He certianly, i dont see him anyway, trying to be my stand in therapist. Or at least i dont view it that way. We talk a lot about my therapist and my therapist and i talked a little about him because he (the MOD) doesnt really believe we have core beliefs. Id have to quote him on it as it confused me (i read it to my therapist).

I see him more of a role of a friend, whom himself had been in a cult, trying to help a bit more but off topic of all threads so messaged me.

3. He feels qualified to play therapist to you with his "take what you get" technique, but doesn't have the basic professional decency to enforce some boundaries?

This one i dont have an answer to as the boundries, or lack was, was my confliction.

He didnt straight up tell me though. He hid it for a while until i started the "you're gonna hate me" stuff so i think anyway that he 1) wanted to reassure me that its ok and 2) had his own processing to do and felt safe there to do it. Yes, thats what started my storm of seductions but then again...if he would of said "you cant do that" or whatever, i think i would of recoiled into "im bad" so which ever way he went with it i dont think it would have been a winning situation.

Also if he ignored it completely i would of done, and did do, "your mad at me".

Also it opens the way to safely process why i do it to begin with. If im "not allowed to" then i would never have the space to figure out i dont have to for someone to like me.

Does he ever tell you he likes anything else about you? Or is he reinforcing this mechanism only?

All the time. We started a "What's great about Lost list" and i couldnt write anything so he started it and that paved the way for me to expand a little and i read that list every day, and we are still adding to it.

I do understand what your fear is, i have some of the same, and im unsure of why ive attached to him as i did but i think its because someone finally shows acceptance and understanding and is willing to be my friend even with all my junk and issues.

He's not trying to be my therapist, he tells me to talk to my therapist about certian stuff and i generally read my therapist a lot of things u post and messages, i think he just sees he can help me with a few things and wanted to just help...thats all.

I honestly think its gonna play its way out and i think my feeling of being so attached to him will as well but these are some topics im gonna talk to my therapist about. I have his appointment tomorrow and if y'all want i can tell you what my therapist says.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But I'm in a "have faith in humanity" headspace at the moment, and since it's online and more controllable, it may genuinely just be a good experience for both of you. Either way, defer to your T hey

I totally agree w/ this. I love the 2 guys (im a girl but same thing) in a bar from AA discusing their addictions. Sorta, more like discusing/process trauma but same thing sorta.

I see where @Klo is coming from too.

I'll def talk about it w/ my therapist and see what he says and let you guys know. I doubt it will be a "get outta there" as he knows me and if im attached that will send me realing backwards, especially w/ my lack of friends & family but he may say be causious and i know he will ask 10 millon questions that im gonna have to answer but wont want to due to embarrasment but we been at the embarrasing info SOOO many times.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But even then, extracting yourself from the situation without it becoming sexual, and experiencing first hand that you can do that safely and cope - that would be a positive experience as well.

This is true but im scared of the 'not being able to cope' thing though but just a fear i think.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I can definitely see where @Klo is coming from. It does sound a bit like 2 guys from an AA group meeting privately in a bar to talk about their addiction and recovery!

Haha, you know, I just got this. Hours later lol.

 

[The Albatross]

Kudos to you for recognizing that boundaries were crossed on both sides.... and I'm actually more concerned about the possibility for enmeshment (the "it would break my heart" comment) than what has occurred thus far with a caveat. That being... stick to the purpose you are there and participating for rather than way lay the discussion to your default wounds. You are on the forum to grow/change/improve... not to be flirtatious. Personally, my own recovery I have seldom had interactions with males and then ultra cautiously... it is my old AA hardwiring... stick to the women of the group... if you want to recover. But I am though biased on the topic.