Im Conflicted!

[lostforgottensoul]

Kudos to you for recognizing that boundaries were crossed on both sides.... and I'm actually more c...

I hear ya, I do but women terrify me to say the least. My brain actually made everyone here male, likely due to that, and i never looked at gender.

Im not there seeking out males, or to be seductive or flirtatious and I dont message people they message me; and I thought he was female for the first while of messaging.

Im concerned with that feeling too. Im unsure why im feeling so attached to him and why it feels so achy when i cant talk to him.

Maybe because of that obsessive need to feel understood and accepted and i feel i found that?

Its all a process so, maybe its time to investigate and find out?

Also to me, everything is a time to be seductive, its the only way i know how to be, how to connect.

We've had 3 conversations since i posted this and didnt feel the 'need' (if thats what it is?) to be seductive.

The first, oh i dunno, 5 or so sessions with my therapist i was very directly seductive to the point of undressing and then when he tried to set a boundry, i recoiled on the couch trying to cut my wrist with my fingernails and biting my arm saying "no one likes me". He obviously has gotten me to a point that ive never had another sexual thought about him again ('cept at night when trying to feel safe but thats not on purpose).

Its hard cause i was programmed that this is the only way to connect to people and ive never been able to get a handle on it or figure out how to change it. Im just thinking that this is a simi-safe way to do that?

In the real world im still very much prostitute-like without the money: seek out and seduce relentlessly...then punish for being "bad".

Maybe this, being in a message form and both on either side of a huge country, maybe its a safe way to process it and investigate it? If i tried to do that in real life i would never get there and in therapy i cant get myself to talk about it. Maybe tomorrow after i tell my therapist about him it will be easier but so far ive never been able to.

My therapist asked, "how do you feel about guys coming over just for sex" and i shrugged my shoulders like 'no big deal'.

I dont know, its such a confiiction. I can see the good and the bad about it.

 

[Sideways]

I can understand the self-doubt. I can understand the fear that this could turn bad. I can understand that "just don't go there" is, oftentimes, a helpful boundary to set for yourself to keep yourself safe from learned habits.

But you've had non-sexual conversations with this guy. You just said so yourself. For some people, meh, big deal. But for you, actually that is a big deal. Try and allow yourself to acknowledge that's a big achievement. That's progress. Don't minimise it by saying "it's online, we'll never really meet, etc etc". You pulled off interaction with a guy without making it sexual.

It can be hard, even painful, to allow ourselves to acknowledge that actually yeah, that is an achievement for me. But from the outside looking in, I can feed it back to you - that's a gold star effort. Might sound small, but it's not.

Doesn't mean it's all perfect, no worries, problem solved, rainbows & bunny rabbits from here on. But it's still an achievement, and the conflict might persist for a long time to come, but you did good. Shakin' my virtual pompoms for you:)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Kudos to you for recognizing that boundaries were crossed on both sides.

Oh sorry, I forgot to thank you for this.

Boundries in any way are new to me (like maybe 6 months new) so im trying hard...im trying very hard in every thing i do to get better...but trying to figure out what is and isnt a boundry or what would or wouldnt cross one.

Obviously my rational side knows that my being as seductive as i am knows thats leaping many boundries (usually i see my faults way before anyone elses...but not sure the other side of me cares aboout leaping a boundry) and i did see him telling me was, at times, arroused was also crossing a boundry.

But i also see it from both sides; he needed to process his own thing and felt it safe there to do so as im about the most non-judgemental person i know. Im sure he has other friends to talk to about it and even on the site but maybe not as non-judgemental?

We both paved the messages as a "non-judgemental safe zone" and im sure if i told him about this thread he would set a strict boundry but then i will have no way to investigate and explore this thus it continues...so i stay conflicted about it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But you've had non-sexual conversations with this guy

Ive had many non-sexual ones with him. I suppose this would be the first time since he told me about his own conflict that i havent at least flirt a bit. Lately its been way more than a bit but yep, 3 whole messages a piece that had nothing sexual at all in them. Not even a flirt of any kind.

But for you, actually that is a big deal.

Huge deal.

Theres been a ton of huge deals since ive been messaging with him. Crying at work over the "dog thing" dream which was my reality, that was probably the biggest deal of them all. Ive never been able to cry about my past.

Then we went back and forth about crying not being bad when to me it is.

Try and allow yourself to acknowledge that's a big achievement. That's progress. Don't minimise it by saying "it's online, we'll never really meet, etc etc". You pulled off interaction with a guy without making it sexual.

Ok, im aknowledging it. It really is a big deal. Unsure how long it will last and i think part of this "investigating" it will be to see if I can see what sets off the "need" to seduce.

At the moment im thinking its when i feel alone or lonely or even "i dont want them to go away"...or it seems thats what its always been about.

Shakin' my virtual pompoms for you:)

Haha! Thanks! Not sure if we had the pleasure of meeting before my 'break' from here but i think you're rather awesome!

:hug: thanks for all of, well everything!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So i just got out of my therapist's office (in my car still in his parkinglot, didnt wanna forget some of his words).

He said that 'achy' attachment feeling is 1)tranaferance & more importantly 2) im still functioning emotionally at the age of 12 (at time even 6 or 7) and he said that is infactuation, something like a 12 yr old girl finding a boy in school she liked. And its SOOO weird cuz I did tell him (the MOD) that i was feeling like a "gitty little school girl".

He (my therapist) said that it wouldnt be that much of an issue if it didnt go to the direct seduction place (not that its suprising) but now that its there, he wants me to pull back that part, send him a small conversarion that i cant be doing that right now. My therapist said its too big of something to tackle right now. He said he also doesnt want it to crowd out the other good things that are happening in result of this new connection; and future good things that can happen...so he didnt tell me to stop talking to him like i was scared of.

He said that im learning how to connect (even just on a friendship level) with someone and given my past, this isnt abnormal. Im just not sure i trust myself to pull back & stay there and not be seductive and im not sure if telling the MOD is a good idea as i dont want him to pull himself back too much so im still trying to figure out how to do it.

My therapist also said to calm down, its not a big deal, expected, and i cant judge myself so much; hold myself to such high standards as that always leads to punishments.

So thats the summery of our sessions today. I have to get to walmart but wanted to type it as soon as i got out. My therapist knew of this messaging, i told him last session...and i usually have fears of telling my therapist stuff but always end up telling him anyway. My therapist is the only one person that knows all, every graphic gritty detail of me and my past. Even more than ive put on here (yep, theres more). So i would have told him anyway, was just scared to is all.

He didnt tell me to stop talking to him...whew! Not sure i can at the moment.

Oh he also said to stay aware of functioning on a 12 yr old emotional level & eventually, if i contiune to stay aware, that "it will break my heart if i have to stop talking to him" will fade. And he said, who knows, maybe it will turn into something, maybe it wont...but whats happening is good and havig this connection is good. My therapist's words, not mine.

 

[Sideways]

I've said it elsewhere (;)) but I'll say it again: YAY!!!

Chalk one up for Team Recovery!!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I've said it elsewhere (;)) but I'll say it again: YAY!!!

Chalk one up for Team Recovery!![/QUOT...

Haha! Sorry! I think i was in such a big hurry to type it that i didnt realize i was on your intro. Doh!

Thanks for all of your support! It means a lot!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Oh and I did send him a small message about it, tried to explain the best I could about some of my emotions being haulted at the age of 12...i think i freaked him out a bit cause he asked me if i felt like he was a child molestor. Yikes! I hope i explained it well enough in this last message. I was afraid he was gonna pull back too much (he wasnt ever sending sexual messages anyway, i was...so he doesnt need to pull anything back, i do)...and i was afraid that telling him (instead of just cooling myself down and staying quiet) was gonna freak him out a bit.

My therapist did say its not gonna take 17 yrs for my emotions to "grow up" or mature. Its all about learning.

So hopefully he's not like completely freaked. Cause not only do i charish our friendship...if one didnt know how to swim, they cant learn if they dont get in the water. I cant learn how to correctly connect to people if im not given the chance to.

I also told him that its a lot like a baby learning to walk, you cant learn if you dont have room to fall (fail).

 

[Sideways]

You should print that last post out and keep it somewhere safe, so that when you're having a crappy day, you can remind yourself that you are capable of optimism and saying positive things about yourself :) Liking it a lot!

 

[Knak]

If you didn't learn the trust a child gets from two healthy parents - that you are loved for no other reason than you are a gift to them made in God's image, you probably don't know that a father's pure love does not include sexual intimacy. It is a rare opportunity to receive love from a man that is not complicated by sexual feelings, and it serves as a comparison for the rest of your life to know the difference between physical love and the highest order of love that wants to honor and protect you.

A father is meant to protect you from perpetrators who steal what is only yours to give freely by your choice.

You are not born able to protect yourself mentally, emotionally or physically until you are fully mature. It only happens when others teach you how and why it's so important. This is so you are alerted to threat, or if you allow it to happen to yourself, whether it is healthy or destructive.

God's plan is to fully share your gift of love with one lifetime partner and he likewise shares his unadulterated love with you. It creates success, strength, trust, hope, dependence, etc. for believers or non believers. It further helps you treat other people with that same respect and makes your life a more encouraging experience.

The Bible says that sex outside the marriage relationship is the one indiscretion that destroys your own body. It separates you from true love and your mind loses ability to know truth.

This person should not mix you up - but I understand we are not perfect and I lived through that myself. It was the only way I could relate but led to my final destruction. Nobody wanted me and I had nothing but confustion and self hate.

Once you introduce sexual feelings or physical gratification, emotional growth stops.

You can only learn to discern safety and respect for your body and mind through relationships with people who respect you and don't tempt you. If they do then they can lie and manipulate you to meet their own undisciplined cravings and you are unable to spot it if you haven't first learned to maintain distance to avoid pitfalls.

The last thing I want to say is that when I did turn my life over to Christ alone and did not want to lose my relationship with Him, I quit caving into my desires. It was not easy. I would obsess about sexual feelings with particular men continually when it happened. I just kept taking my mind off it instead of letting my imagination continue, because I knew it was wrong and eventually I overcame each instance. It got easier and I am not controlled by it anymore.

Your history of experiences is so horrible that allowing that factor into your life will only lead to bad things. Just be aware but don't hate yourself if you can't control it. It is a goal and others are willing to help you get better.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Knak I respect your religon and all but please dont push "god" stuff on me. And out of respect, i wont say what i think of your "god". In my head "god" told them to...so im not about to go into what i think of this "god"

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Well, guess i put the "if i have to stop talking to him, it will break my heart" theory to the test. He felt the need to "take a break" after i apparently triggered to him (by a joke...but my super graphic past was just fine **head scratch**) & saw him online & in private message & i assumed to me as this is when he'd usually message me. He sent a small one earlier about the trigger, the "you apparently wanted to be rescued" last night (not sure whatever happened to just wanting a friend to talk to, to take my mind off cutting) and i sent two back earlier. Tonight he was in a private message for a while, he calls our conversation both a dance and a cd changer...but i thought my messages explained without attacking. Guess that wasnt enough, he went offline and i got no message.

Feels like someone is sitting on my chest and twisting my heart all at the same time. I dont think it was the "possible future relationship"...its someone yet again leaving. Not sure how many times in real life or online i can take it before i just say "f*ck it" with trying to make friends. Not sure how much more clear I can say "i dont know how to connect with people without sex because sex is how i learned how to connect with everyone" and that also means i dont know other "friendship shit" either and not only did i say that like a bazillon times along with "poking" at him to see if he's gonna leave and like every f*cking person on the planet saying he wont...and then he does.

Not only that but "i dont know how to connect with people without sex but hoping to eventually learn" is on my bio at the end of my non-detailed past.

How the f*ck does a person learn how to swim without getting in the water? Am i just supposed to learn this shit from thin air?

I f*cking hate people! They all suck! Id rather just cuddle up with my animals, at least they know what unconditional love is! f*ck, my family doesnt even know what that is!

I repeat, I hate people!