Im Conflicted!

[The Albatross]

For what it's worth, you found a forum, and also found a peer... you did recognize that perhaps you were a bit too forward with flirtation and also that there maybe might be a boundary... a safe boundary violation or warning on both parts yours and his... even miss steps and unwanted consequences or undesired reactions and unfulfilled expectations are lessons. It would surely be nicer if we all could figure this out without angst, pain, discomfort... but it is a lesson and you identified it objectively on both sides on your own? That, is progress. Not what or in the way perhaps that you wanted, needed, desired... but progress none the less. Don't rob yourself of your objectivity?

sorry had to edit... hacked that up.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@The Albatross maybe that would easier if thats why he left? He was ok with flirtations and i think (though he backed my therapist) seemed even ok with seductions, it was a damn joke about not typing fast enough.

I think part of it is how attatched i got (the 12 yr old emotions) but i already know most if not all is, its the over and over and over etc etc etc of people leaving my life, family first.

I cant deny that i am learning boundries but still havent a clue how the survivor of a cult learns how to correctly interact with people and build a friendship if people keep going away. If it didnt hurt so f*cking bad, i probably could be "oh ok, dont do that"..."oh ok, thats ok" but motherf*cker does this hurt. Feels the exact same as when my family left and everyone else left...feels like someone's crushing my heart.

Maybe he'll be back, probably not....but if he does come back, i wont ever trust bad emotions with him again, or really anything for that matter.

I swear im gonna die along eventually becoming the "crazy cat woman" i hated as a kid!

Lessons yes but just wish i could pull my brain out of really REALLY wanting to walk the very short walk to the train track and wait for the Amtrack...

Im not even asking it to not hurt, just wish i coukd do just that....

 

[The Albatross]

Likely over thinking now (and over tired but still wound up due to my own personal stuff)... I think if the other forum is also helpful I would elect to continue my participation in the general group and accept things as they are without judgment or self condemnation. Clearly he had similar issues... as a mod thought he could perhaps not be as assistive as he initially intended to be without getting muddled up "in his own stuff"... and leave it at that?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Oh and totally off topic, apparently there isnt much anywhere about how to recover after a cult. At least on yourube there isnt. Sort of my homework not last session but the one before. Well it was to google "cult child sexual abuse" and read but reading and dyslexia doesnt mix so i used youtube. Lots of cult crap, just not a lot of how to get better afterwards...or how to let go of, or at least stop holding onto dear life, the cult beliefs about me.

I think that i typed out why i hold onto it so tight in a thread on the other site about someone that mimics other's personalities & dont know who they are. Whom am i with it?

 

[The Albatross]

Cross posted with you, it happens, but my opinion about an alternative and perhaps more "generally beneficial" perception (a pet phrase of my own difficulties in recovery that I find assistive to me personally) stands.

It's not always about us... it's 50/50... mutual... sometimes it has to do with the other person. A lot of us, don't necessarily know "WHEN" that is and that's likely why you're lapsing back into "hating people" and wanting to get hit by a train.

 

[The Albatross]

Sorry pursuing your posts and not inclined to read the off topic. What sayest thou?

 

[The Albatross]

Off topic stuff is a diversion technique away from sensitive or delicate emotional pain... my mom does that. I used to but not anymore. Just food for thought.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Likely over thinking now (and over tired but still wound up due to my own personal stuff)... I thin...

I just noticed today that he's admin and i swear when he first messaged me it said MOD, so maybe a "promotion". I always got the MOD/admin stuff & he's self employed in IT & he's also up to his knees in real life shit...i get all that and didnt expect a certian amount of time. He's stepping back due to his own trigger, not due to time. Apparently he has 2 hrs to private message, just not me...

The site is VERY helpful, though like a bazillon times bigger than this site, it amazes me of getting more replies here then there. Maybe the sheer size has people more spread out? I hang mostly in the BPD, sexual abuse, and DBT (his personal group) areas...the DBT group is where he first helped so yeah, i dont know.

Not really judging him, just hurting. Especially when i hear "i wont leave"...i almost make a wager with myself how long they will stay before running for the hills.

Just suprises me that my graphic past was cool, seductions were cool, i joke about not typing fast enough and put lol after it to indicate it was a joke & he gets triggered? I dont get it but whatevs.

I havent left the site (i didnt leave this one did i ;)) just wish i could drag myself back to being half way ok....

But i can wish in one hand....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Off topic stuff is a diversion technique away from sensitive or delicate emotional pain... my mom does that. I used to but not anymore. Just food for thought.

Shush, whom asked the peanut gallery lol.

That was a joke. I swear im gonna put that disclaimer after all my jokes.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

A lot of us, don't necessarily know "WHEN" that is and that's likely why you're lapsing back into "hating people" and wanting to get hit by a train.

Why? Cuz of not knowing when someone is gonna leave? Or that they always seem to?

Ignore my brain...and ignorance or your big wording. I meant to message you before my break to use more simple terms. Dyslexic and inclined to believe not near as smart as people seem to see me as. Actually i dont see myself smart at all but yeah, anyway.

 

[The Albatross]

Lost ya cuz not everybody leaves... perception bias is "that they always seem to" and that is something that can be learned/acquired.

For the rest, I yam what I yam and am not aware of big wording but that don't make you ignorant gal, k?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Lost ya cuz not everybody leaves... perception bias is "that they always seem to" and that is something that can be learned/acquired.

Ok, everyone has so far. How 'bout that?

For the rest, I yam what I yam and am not aware of big wording but that don't make you ignorant gal, k?

You're a yam? Ah ha, I knew it!

Ignorant isnt stupid, ignorant is the lack of knowledge of a certian subject, so there :p

Intresting fact: I "wasnt allowed" to have books growing up and so i found an entire set of encycolpedias and read them all, 8 times. Weird fact being dislexic and all.

Oh and for the site being helpful, posted on a thread of me kicking the rock wall at work til i hurt my foot today, other than someone thinking that cutting & kicking a rock wall at work equals you need to go inpatient, whateves...someone also asked this: "What sort of cult was it? Sounds interesting."

Interesting? Seriously? Its on my bio. Non-detailed cuz that site does have trigger warnings but really?