Fear of abandonment - man do I tick that box.
But it's one of the symptoms that doesn't make sense to me, it seems completely contradictory. I know, intellectually, that there are exceptions to the rule (some, not many), but we learned nice and young that people can't be trusted, right?
When I meet someone, my default position: they can't be trusted. So why the hell is it so d@mn crippling when they (inevitably) leave? I knew they would, knew it right from the get go - this person can't be trusted, they're going to leave me eventually and I'll be alone again. But knowing that beforehand never seems to make any difference when they prove me right.
Over a year ago now, my doc of 6 years, one of the gentlest souls I ever met, understood me and my junk like I was a book that he'd written himself. Dissociated during an appointment and started coming onto him. Knowing full well I was dissociating, he said "I'm not you're doctor anymore". Just like that. I still have trouble walking down the street where his office is without dissociating from the distress it causes. I don't think I'll ever fully recover from that - I can't even count the number of times he explicitly assured me that he was never going to give up on me, that he would never walk away.
But he did. Of course he did. I knew he would. To me, it doesn't make any sense that it hurts so much. It's like knowing, fact, "the sun will rise in the morning", and it does, just like I knew it would, but the devastation follows anyway as though I had no idea it was gonna happen.
I'd really like to be able to give you a good solid reason to get back on the horse - although, I think you already know that, at some point, that's what you gotta do. But reading your posts, the pain you're describing is something I'm feeling, and is way too raw, for me to be able to say anything much at this point other than I totally hear you. As far as I'm concerned, sometimes the whole world can just get f***ed.
