Childhood How Young Shd We Teach Kids About Inappropriate Touching?

[Sideways]

I remember I first started 'sex-ed' at about age 10 in school. We were taught that mummy & daddy get together and have a special cuddle, and daddy's semen ("like tiny tadpoles") went inside mummy and attached to an egg ("like a grain of sand") and a baby started growing.

Fast forward to high school and at 14 we were being taught about anatomy. A little too late for me as it turned out.

I've got a neice and nephew in primary school now, & I can't help being concerned for their safety. But what's appropriate, and at what age?

Too much too soon is obviously going to be unnecessarily distressing for most little kids. But giving them the heads up (& the vocabulary) to know, and be able to report to mum and dad, that they're being touched inappropriately seems to me to be critical. So what age should we be starting to broach these topics with kids?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

hmm... well. the shitty thing is, even if it's inapropriate, kids are unlikely to report sexual abuse and similar.

I hid what I went through for 7 years..

I think some age like, 6-8 would be good to just give some hits on whats appropriate, and later, 10-12, more detailed sex ed

That would be my assumption..

Otherwise.. I was made to watch porn at age 6, so I dont really know what would be the level of being okay with it for different people..

Yea. also, there is a difference between genders

 

[ladee]

From the moment I felt they were able to understand and differentiate.... using other things as models to help them understand. I never taught my son and step children blind obedience to adults... I tried to teach them to trust their 'tummy'....That if their tummy felt funny, something was wrong, and to trust that feeling... in a way, guess it was multifaceted in the things they could apply it to. They learned at a very early age to identify , what I called the 'uh oh' feeling... always encouraged them to talk about it... and being hyper vigilant without being a helicopter parent, I would know if something was upsetting to them....They were very young... kids understand a lot if talked to on their level... and having a way with words helps... all the kids remember those conversations... and that included the boys... There are ways to teach them without traumatizing them or making them fearful of people.. It was about teaching them their feelings mattered, and that they were true and real to them. Something none of us got....

 

[Sideways]

@ladee - really really like that approach

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@ladee
It's a great strategy

I will need to learn a bit about the normal brain sometime... mine is not a tool to judge by

 

[Sideways]

@ladee - my sister with the kids doesn't know about my trauma. How inappropriate do you think it would be if I talked to her about a strategy like that for her to use with her kids? I don't much like interfering with the way mums choose to raise their kids, but I can't pretend it doesn't concern me. Her daughter is a beautiful little blonde, but very shy, and I get so worried about her being at school around male teachers knowing she has no idea what is and isn't okay...

 

[ladee]

I would do it. I try to live my life without regret. And if I see something like this,I would be neglectful If I didn't say something if it was a concern. I would at least feel your sister out about it.. I would first ask her if she has talked to her about anything like this..and don't forget the boys... the boys should be taught also. Just share that it is about loving your family and the world is just simply not a safe place to be. Nothing wrong with teaching kids to know they have rights and have a voice... Give it some thought to as if you were the parent. How would you like to be approached about this... Good luck and hope you get to make a difference in the kids lives.

 

[ladee]

@Saelben, I certainly do not have a normal brain. Just that being a mom brought out some fierceness in me.... I could not be with my kids every second, so teaching them to rely on themselves when something was uncomfortable had to be part of my parenting.... But thanks for thinking I have a normal brain... that made my day !!:hug:

 

[Anarchy]

Ladee,
Your approach is a refreshing polar opposite to what I got.

Sorry that this is all about what not to do, rather than how to approach what to do.

Possibly with the best of intentions, I had been fed the idea that cops, school teachers and doctors were special clever people and I always had to do whatever they said ( they were the three groups who were instrumental in a lot of what I think got me here).
I was told that if I was punished at school, I would get beaten at home.
That anything to do with genitals was "rude" and not to be talked about.

FFS, it meant that I was absolutely unable to seek any help when I was being victimised by school teachers and a cop before I was ten.

Add to that, I was threatened with beatings if that bastard of a cop came to the door again - how the hell could a nine year old be responsible for what a cop decided to do? That was a couple of years of UN necessary anxiety.

AFAIK, I escaped recreational CSA by adults, and still don't think of contacts with a mid teen, when I was 9, as harmful to me. But if it had come to CSA, I would have found myself in an equally isolated position, my parents having made sure that I would be too frightened to tell them or anyone else anything.


@Ragdoll Circus
I don't know if you want to offer this as an example that isn't as difficult as telling your sister about your own abuse?

@

 

[Sideways]

@Anarchy - I guess part of me wishes she knew about the abuse, maybe that would be enough for her to confront the issue with her kids. But apart from how hard it is to talk about, I have a personal policy of not just dumping "I was abused...how'd ya like them apples?" on people. I try and follow it with a reason for telling them, so they know what they're supposed to do with the info.

With my parents, it was easy, I wanted them to know because I needed them to have a frame of reference for how to support me in my illness. But I'm twitchy about the idea of telling my sister in a way that sounds like "I'm telling you because I don't think you understand how to be a good parent on this issue".

But I'm totally with you on the "stranger danger" message. As a priest, the guy who abused me was exactly the kind of person who I should have been able to trust, based on what I'd been taught about how to protect yourself from strangers as a kid...go to an adult you can trust, right? Only, stats show that it's the adults 'you can trust' that are doing the bulk of the damage.

So yeah, that's where I get stuck too. I know that what we traditionally teach kids actually doesn't work with abuse. I know that kids are gonna feel like they can't tell anyone. Gotta say that @ladee 's approach is by far the best I think I've ever heard.

 

[Anarchy]

Its such a difficult one. I very much appreciate that you don't want to dump, or preach, or condescend.
Also, that if ever something did happen, there's no way that you would be to blame. But that's not how it would feel.

______________
Agreed, the traditional "people we can trust" thing is hopelessly naive and utopian.

I only found out a couple of years ago that the father of one of my little friends at primary school, was probably the most prolific child rapist that's been prosecuted in Britain! He was a prison officer and ordained Presbyterian minister. I've seen at least one of his victims posting here.

I can't remember whether that little pal came to any of my birthday parties.

 

[Fly On The Wall]

@Ragdoll Circus

I hope you fear for the little girl when she's around women, too. I hope you fear for the little boys when they're around both men and women.

The good touch and bad touch talk should be had with children as soon as they're young enough to start understanding. It can deepen in scope as a child gets older.

The talk about good touch and bad touch should be gender neutral. If you teach a girl to fear men, she will grow up fearing men. This is not a good thing. Abusers can be of any gender. I think society goes astray in the idea that men are the gender to be feared while women are the safe gender.

I understand that you want to keep these kids safe, but it appears that your fear is quite gender biased as you state you fear for the little girl being around male teachers. I think this also indicates an area in your own healing that should be examined closer.