General How do I teach my kids about being cautinious of danger but not to much so?

[Never_falter2]

I am not sure if this is a ptsd question or parenting question and I am not sure if I know a good parenting board... I mean I know parenting boards but I am not sure if they are good ones.
However... we have wild kids... especially one wild little boy who constantly runs into trouble, by which I mean he talks back at his kindergarten teachers, he tussles with other boys, he climbs everything, he jumps, he cannot keep his mouth shut for a minute (and he says smart things but he cannot understand why in kindergarten he sometimes needs to shut up and listen). I really love my son but I do understand why the kindergarden teachers who have numerous other kids to care for to feel exhausted by him. He will start school this year.

He had the habit of putting treats he wanted to safe for later just somewhere on the nightstand... so Daddy took a long time to explain him that there was bacteria everywhere, one needs a plate (and something to cover the plate).

It is also important for me and for his Dad who reminds me numerous times he wears a helmet when riding his bycicle and a helmet and protection gear when he goes rollerblading.

So... what happened? He likes to point out when people do things wrong. For example he tells people who ride a bicycle without wearing a helmet they are idiots... and I cannot stop him because he thinks they need to know. He likes to fingerpoint at them and tell his siblings “Look there is an idiot“. I tell him not to, he says “but they ARE very stupid“, I tell him that it is true but we do not tell them, he says they will get hurt. Here is the point where I do not know what to say. That this might be true but is not our problem. Kids are a bit more moral than grownups, aren’t they?

And

In kindergarden he refused to eat things that had laid (or had lain????) on the table because he says it is full of bacteria... by refused I mean he threw a tantrum, they have a policy that every kid has to try every food.
He got mad at them for cleaning the table with the same old sponge over and over again. Using a sponge over and over again is one of his daddy’s triggers.

Any advice?

Our kids needed be taught about caution because they are wild kids but think we, both of us, especially my guy are over the top... and actually my guy often questions my instincts and says something which I think is harmless is very very dangerous indeed... take the example of the old sponge, my guy has been close to nervous breakdowns because of old sponges.

 

[Friday]

take the example of the old sponge, my guy has been close to nervous breakdowns because of old sponges.

Me, too! :wtf: Sponges are evil disgusting gross things. But that’s a different story.

He likes to point out when people do things wrong. For example he tells people who ride a bicycle without wearing a helmet they are idiots... and I cannot stop him because he thinks they need to know. He likes to fingerpoint at them and tell his siblings “Look there is an idiot“. I tell him not to, he says “but they ARE very stupid“, I tell him that it is true but we do not tell them, he says they will get hurt. Here is the point where I do not know what to say. That this might be true but is not our problem. Kids are a bit more moral than grownups, aren’t they?

LMFAO :hilarious:

That was soooooo my kid at that age! We decided he was either going to be a cop or a journalist when he grew up because he was soooooo fixated on what other people were doing wrong, and that it be done right. The jury is still out (he’s 16 now) but I wouldn’t be surprised if he goes into either field.

How we handled it was .

1) Rudeness.

The rules for attacking someone in my house are that you have to be
- Defending yourself
- Defending someone else
- Learning how to fight.

(Yes, there are other reasons, crown&country / points of honor / preventative measures, etc. but these were the simplified rules for kid’s day to day lives.)

Being rude, we defined, as attacking someone without touching them. By words or actions. And the same rules applied. When is it okay to be rude? When you’re defending yourself, someone else, or learning how.

1.5) It’s worse manners to point out or call attention to someone else’s bad manners, than whatever it was they did. // We don’t presume to teach other people manners.

2 ) We can insult strangers, & we can help strangers, but we can only insult friends whilst helping them. If you’re insulting a stranger you’re not helping them. So which is it? Are you being helpful or rude?

 

[mamachick]

I think parenting styles are very different, as are our individual children. I have 3 daughter who are all very different though I raised them the same way. Things that bothered one child, did not bother another.

My youngest daughter fixated on the germ thing for example. She was a bit OCD about washing her hands and especially not touching the knob when exiting a restaurant bathroom. Once I recall her eating a sandwich with napkins wrapped around it because she had no place to wash her hands. She also didn't have a filter about repeating things she heard parents say or misinterpreted. Once invited to a birthday sleep over with a dozen girls in 4th grade, we decided she could stay until 11 pm. (That my over protection-kids get molested at sleep overs). I explained to her that we only stay over places where we know the parents very well and my other daughter asked if it was because of Megans Law. Then that got briefly discussed and so she told her friend she had to come home at 11 pm because Megan was kidnapped.

Her sister, just 18 months older was less effected by the germ stuff, but was concerned with rules. When joining a skating club in Kindergarten, I read her the rules of the ice skating rink, which included not chewing gum. She came off the ice crying once because her friend was chewing gum and she thought she was going to be banned (which the rules stated). She was more serious about stuff. She had a much better interpretation of situations and a better filter about what she spoke.

I think its really important for kids to learn to not call others names, that is considered bullying. The kid without a helmet is not stupid, the behavior may be stupid. None of us are perfect and we all doing stupid things. Seems like lots of these things came up in the car and we had lots of conversations when they were young, and they often used me to help process this. I would use questions and reflections on what they were saying to try to help them figure it out for themselves. Such as, it sound like you know how dangerous it is to not wear a helmet, what do you think might happen if he had an accident, etc, but without making other out to be bad (even when others break the rules).

As far as forcing kids to eat thing, I think that is just wrong. If kids identify someone wiping a table with a dirty rag or sponge, they are much smarter than many adults. In a perfect world, they would have a disinfectant spray and paper towels or clorox wipes. I would protect my kids fear of eating straight off the table....thats gross.

Your kids are young and the problems are small. There are natural consequences for them. When they get older, the problems and consequences are much bigger. Now is the time to address them. Good for you for doing this now.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Kids are little sponges. They pick up on everything mom and dad are doing and saying. Do you guys call people idiots under your breath? Or say that somebody is an idiot for doing XYZ?

It’s hard to catch your bad habits when your kids are that age... I have a potty-mouth and I had to nip that in the bud when mine were little. They WILL repeat everything they hear and see lol.

As far as the “contamination”... Are your husband’s triggers bleeding over into reality? By that, I mean is your son getting overly obsessive with germs and dirt like Daddy is? If so, maybe you need to point this out to your husband.

 

[Never_falter2]

@Sweetpea76 It is hard to say because what is exactly normal? Where does overly obsessive start and where does it end? He is washing his hands the same way his daddy does and he is worried about some of the things his dad worries about such as dirty sponges, people touching food with unclean fingers and so on.
He is wild and it is difficult for me and for his Dad not to be afraid for him... that’s the reason for the protective gear.
@brat17 They always clean the tables with a sponge in his kindergarten but in this case they put some fruits on the table as a pudding (am I right to assume that the things one eats after lunch are always called pudding even if they are no pudding? I am very much confused by what the English speaking world calls their meals, kind people have tried to explain to me but it confused me even more). They do have plates of course but in this case the pudding was fruits and they did not put this on a plate.

 

[mamachick]

There is an old but really good parenting book called "Children:The Challenge" by Rudolph Driekes???I think is author.
What is the childs motivation and intention. Often when kids are criticizing others, they are deflecting off their selves, or what they see as their own short comings. Being corrected is drawing attention and bad attention is better than no attention at all. They are seeking power in the family from a young age, and if they can get a reaction from the parents, they see that as a bit of power. (its like throwing a rock in a pond and seeing the ripple effect) I think SweetPea is right on in asking if the kid is hearing this from adults as well.

 

[Mach123]

I totally failed at this one. But I'd help your son be a boy and don't medicate him. He sounds like a great kid and being aggressive and opinionated means he's strong (in part). To guide him without squashing his spirit is a challenge every parent faces. The shy quiet kids are equally challenging.

Beyond that I was horribly overprotective because of my CSA. I knew what went on when the kids were alone together.

 

[Never_falter2]

Kids are little sponges. They pick up on everything mom and dad are doing and saying. Do you guys call people idiots under your breath? Or say that somebody is an idiot for doing XYZ?

I am not sure if I ever told you about his uncle potty mouth (one of my vets brothers]. If uncle potty mouth called somebody an idiot I would wonder why he is so fairspoken that day. He likes to compare people he does not like with... well that does not make no sense in English but he basically says that they like to jerk of and that they are like a bag of (ugly word for penis) and that they should “lick him“ in a very private area.
In my country if we want to be rude, we often mention a penis.
Also in my country most unfortunately there are some people who have a very rude language but typically they are rude in private but very polite in public... and it is like this with my vet and his brothers who are rude in private but often because that is how they like to show their affection. Yep, weird... and the kids often do not get this... and learn really inappropriate words (I fear I learned some inappropriate words too... my family has complained that I became a potty mouth)... or learn about things they should not know about such as pubic lice (not that we have them but my vet discussed them with their brothers... why? Dunno... I have a theory according to which men act strange as soon as they are in company of other men and outnumber the women).

That’s another question I wonder about... but it has nothing to do with ptsd... how much knowledge about pubic lice and ugly terms for mastrubating are okay for a little boy (and at what age) and I am not even sure if this is the right question to ask at an American board because there may be cultural differences. I do not want my boys to grow up girly and blush when a penis is mentioned. Part of my problem is that I have no idea how men speak if no women is in sight and which ugly words they need to know in order to be respected by the other boys.

But back to the question. Yes, we did mention that you hurt your head if your are not wearing a helmet and that it is unsafe and idiotic. Maybe we should have said in other words.

As far as the “contamination”... Are your husband’s triggers bleeding over into reality? By that, I mean is your son getting overly obsessive with germs and dirt like Daddy is? If so, maybe you need to point this out to your husband.[/QUOTE]

 

[Sweetpea76]

Yep... that’s a common phrase in English too.

Kids repeat everything. To everybody. My son was around a lot of young soldiers at about the age your son is now (my first husband was active duty and we lived on post). Plus he picked up language of family members back home when we visited. We had to check the potty-language in front of him after he told a preschool teacher that “round bales suck dick”... thanks to a leave listening to his uncles during baling season ?

They just know something made the grown ups laugh and they want to be funny too.

We had to explain that some words grown ups use are not nice and that it’s not OK to repeat them. If he didn’t know if it was a bad word he could ask. Then we had to be more aware of what he was hearing. It’s easy when they’re babies and everything flies over their heads... but that preschool age changes everything!

 

[Never_falter2]

Being corrected is drawing attention and bad attention is better than no attention at all. They are seeking power in the family from a young age, and if they can get a reaction from the parents, they see that as a bit of power. (its like throwing a rock in a pond and seeing the ripple effect).

We try no to correct them very much. We try to teach them... trying to explain the difference... before they ever rode a bycicle, before the oldest ever rollerbladed we gave them safety lessons... and my vet did not want them to even touch the bike until they could repeat the safety lessons back to them... but they are quick learners... and only then we showed them how to ride the bicycle. In fact in case of the oldest my vet even made him repeat the safety lesson before we even bought him a bicycle and then we gave it to him as a reward for passing the safety test.
We think “Teach them first, so you do not have to correct them later“. My vet also sometimes asks them questions about safety (not only bicycle safety or rollerblade safety but also safety around fires, safety when climbing, safety when climbing a rope (only our oldest can climb a rope so far but all already know the lessons), how to act if strangers approach them, how to safely use a knife, how to act in case of an earthquake, how to act of mummy becomes very ill and needs instant medical attention (my favourite one;) ), he made them repeat the emergency numbers and so on).
He is not being mean but he is basically teaching them that life is very dangerous... and his approach is quite rigid.
I wonder if they will miss the easygoingness which is typical for childhood.

 

[barefoot]

I'd help your son be a boy

being aggressive and opinionated means he's strong

I do not want my boys to grow up girly

Not that we’re playing into and reinforcing gender stereotypes here...! ?

safety around fires, safety when climbing, safety when climbing a rope (only our oldest can climb a rope so far but all already know the lessons), how to act if strangers approach them, how to safely use a knife, how to act in case of an earthquake, how to act of mummy becomes very ill and needs instant medical attention (my favourite one;) ), he made them repeat the emergency numbers and so on).
He is not being mean but he is basically teaching them that life is very dangerous... and his approach is quite rigid.

I think some of these things make sense. Teaching children about ‘stranger danger’ is a conversation I would imagine most parents have with their kids at some point. And what to do in an emergency eg knowing how to phone for an ambulance in a medical emergency or memorising a phone number of a relative/family friend in case of emergency makes sense too, I think. Though would they remember a relative’s phone number anyway in a high pressure emergency situation when they’re young?! I don’t know...

And if your son’s helping in the kitchen, it would make sense to ensure he knows how to use a sharp knife safely.

If your husband is drumming safety stuff into them about things they’re not even doing or not likely to be doing in the near future eg climbing a rope or things that are unlikely to happen where they live (is it likely they will experience a serious earthquake where you live, for instance?) then that does feel a bit unnecessary and excessive and scaremongery, in my opinion.

My dad has always been a bit of a doom and gloom, worst case scenario, ‘but what if...?!’ kind of person. So, it wasn’t all safety instructions/emergency preparation as you’re talking about. It was more like if there was an opportunity/idea/something I said I wanted to do etc my dad would always put a dampener on it by going to worst case scenario of something wouldn’t work out or someone would let me down or it may be a scam or it could be dangerous or it’s not really going to be worth me bothering with etc.

The impact of that, I think, is that my sister and I are both quite risk averse because we were so used to being told the downside of everything and how things were dangerous/likely to go badly. Also this meant that Dad wasn’t particularly encouraging - it was always more putting us off doing things. And that didn’t feel very good. Also, as I got older and realised what he did, it/he just became a bit of a joke to me. I started calling my parents Doom and Doomer because they were always so glass half empty and always seemed to predict impending disaster. So, in the end, that meant two things 1) that I didn’t then take their warnings seriously because that’s how they responded to everything so it kind of made their comments meaningless in the end. And 2) I just didn’t tell them stuff. Because why would I share something I was looking forward to/excited to be involved with etc if I know I’m just going to get a ridiculously negative lecture about it?

I know this isn’t the same situation as yours but there are some similarities, I think.

If he’s helping them do things they are doing/going to be doing soon safely, then I think that makes sense.

If, however, they are not going to be rope climbing anytime soon and it’s highly unlikely that they will ever experience a serious earthquake etc etc then I think he’s being over the top.

Potentially, your kids could then grow up taking in his world view and being mega fearful of this incredibly bad, dangerous world we live in where so many activities feel life threatening. Or they may become desensitised as their dad is always lecturing them about how dangerous everything is so it becomes a bit silly and not worth listening to.

May not have one of these impacts, of course. But it is likely to have some impact on them, I think, if he is being excessively rigid and constantly preparing them for danger, which isn’t really relevant for their reality.

 

[Mach123]

i thought I had something to add but I don't. : )