Went From Kind Of Okay To Wanting To Die In About 3 Days

[lithium-mom]

I have so many things on my mind right now and I don't know really where to begin. I wrote out my "outline" of my story, the abridged version in here. My dad is an abuser. He's actually a very classic abuser. And I never seem to escape abusers. They are everywhere and I'm sick of people complimenting me on my "submissive" "meek" nature. I do it to survive, not because I love being stomped all over. Anyway, so after I left home I moved with a kind couple for 3 months. It was fine. I was mentally ill still, but it actually wasn't horrible. I felt significantly improved. I spent about three weeks living in a car now THAT was hell, and then transitioned into a house with a couple (on a $700 a month salary).

I vaguely knew the husband, I knew the wife pretty closely and she's a wonderful lady. But the husband is again, another classic husband and I honestly want to die living with him. He's not cruel to me but hearing him yell at a three year old is terrible. I hate being there. I hate being around him and hearing him demean a three year old and threaten to spank him and then spanking him. Or describing in detail how he's going to throttle the dogs or yelling at his son for peeing his pants (which is classically traumatizing). It's $275 for rent there and I only have 3 more months I can stay there, and 2 more months for school. School ends in May. Early May. I'd honestly rather stay in a homeless shelter or maybe just rot in a hole.

I can't save up with $700 a month, I want to move to Pensacola for school. I have a stable living situation there starting June first. I'm incredibly excited when I think about it. I need medication though. I'm already on medication but I will continue to need care. I will need social services.

Anyway I called my dad today and I guess I was expecting sympathy from a classic narcissist. He just yelled about how I lie all the time and how I love to hurt and torture myself. It was incredible. Absolutely incredible. I sat down and cried in a McDonalds and really had time to think about how now it's time to realize that he's never going to be the father I want and I deserve to tell my story. I guess that's all. I'm not sure what I'm going to do still.

 

[Friday]

The homeless shelter sounds like a good idea to me. Especially if you can get into one specializing in transitional housing & programs for women leaving abuse. Abusive parents to car to couch surfing to more abuse = more than qualifies around here.

 

[lithium-mom]

The homeless shelter sounds like a good idea to me. Especially if you can get into one specializing...

Oh my goodness! So, that's not just my "mental illness talking" that's like a legit idea? Okay god bless! I'm going to look up what I can do about that.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im sorry about all of this! I can very much relate! In order to get out of my 'House of Hell' I moved in with a family, I went to Senior prom with their son whom was 2 yrs junior. The father there beat my dog and then let her off the 100 foot chain I had her on in the back because she would bark in the day when i was at work and he worked nights and slept late. He'd also touch me and if i didnt let him he would threaten to kick me out and i was 18 and had a retail job, i couldnt afford to live anywhere else and to top that i still had contact with my mom & step dad (cult leaders) whom where still controling me to a point. My mom had said she was loaning me $900 for 1st, last, secuirty for my first apartment and then the day before i had to give it to the landlord she said she didnt have it...she said she spent it...when i said on what, she said on food. $900...on food?

Thank god i was never homeless. The way i was able to move into my own place was i worked a 2nd, and then a 3rd job which then i kept all 3 only sleeping a few hrs here or there to pay rent. I went without food a lot. I had a very good landlord whom bought houses, fixed them up, & rented them (this was a house split into 3 apartment, mine was a SMALL studio that used to be a carport) so he let me help him fix up a house and took it off my rent. He was an ex marine and saw me breaking down. Good man!

Anyway, can you find work around school? I know it ends in May but even a few months of work can make a big difference in money.

Either way, just know i know how that feels to be in an impossible situation.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Oh my goodness! So, that's not just my "mental illness talking" that's like a legit idea? Okay god bless! I'm going to look up what I can do about that.

Oh totally not your mental illness, at all. And totally a legit idea. In my area, my ex roommate couldnt find a shelter unless she was a battered wife/girlfriend but even if they pull that card, you can use the abusive situation maybe?

Def legit!

 

[lithium-mom]

Oh my goodness! So, that's not just my "mental illness talking" that's like a legit idea? Okay god b...

I really hope they won't deny me, I forgot THAT was a thing too :/

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I really hope they won't deny me, I forgot THAT was a thing too :/

I wouldnt worry yourself over that until you apply. If they do pull out the battered wife/girlfriend card, advise the abuse you are seeing...you might want to make that known anyway though unfortantly this country & most States dont classify yelling at a 3 yr old abuse & though i wouldnt/couldnt spank my child if i had one, thats also allowed so not sure its 'reportable' bur you can always just annoumously throw it out there anyway.

Back to you, Id fight my way into the shelter. Though you say you are 'submissive' & 'meek'...draw out the inner lion that i know you have and dont take no for an answer, not until theres no way you can talk your way in.

 

[Brenton]

I have so many things on my mind right now and I don't know really where to begin. I wrote out my "o...

I have a similar situation with my dad, he just doesn't get it. I at like I'm okay most of the time, only because its easier to pretend than to reach out and him not care. I'm learning to stop needing him to love me. It doesn't mean I won't love him, or want him to stop loving me, just not needing it anymore.
I hope things get better