D
Deleted member 29920
Amazed by your courage :hug: I can't call my mother mum, I've started just referring to her by her name or.. Other words! You're so brave, and good for you getting it all out.
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Childhood Dear "mom"....
- Post starter lostforgottensoul
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- Moderator
- #14
D
Deleted member 29920
Thank you so much :)
- Post starter
- #16
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
@Snafu Thank you! Yeah, to see myself as "a good person" is gonna be hard.
My Admin friend on the other site is talking to me about not going head to head with the 'programming' as that causes conflict, more like, i think, take what i get, work on it, take what i get again, work on it....sorta like tiding a wave i suppose or what one would call baby steps. Thats how im underatanding it anyway.
Its def been a war in my head and being 'programmed' is seriously possing me off but im not sure if thats enough for change as my therapist said anger direcrly correctly is motivating hut it seems to be adding to the rage that i already have aimed at myself. So this was my first attempt to try to redirect it.
This is literal hell, having a brain that throws out auotmatic thoughts, automatic atrong ritual urges that i dont want to do but if i fight it, it automatically jumps to lets go jump in front of the Amtrack.
Thats actually one of the two times i fully dissociated. I was fighting a ritual urge and the last thing i remember is being in my livingroom and them i 'woke up' sitting on the railroad tracks (which is maybe 10 or so yard from my front door) and i have no clue how I got there, let alone out of my house. That only happened twice, that was the only time it was dangerous and my therapist knows about it...but its why i dont fight those urges anymore.
I took victory over stopping/changing the "dog thing" ritual and then had that urge again last night for the and i have no idea where it came from or why. I know theres a lot of very intense emotions that im having a hard time dealing with but i stopped/changed that a while back. I didnt do it last night, I defaulted back to seductions to my admim friend, whom replied back with why he thinks i do it...and he was mostly right but i think it was just because of the emotions.
Even if i dont do that ritual, what i did to all those other poor animals....
I was just petting my cat last week i believe it was, wasnt paying attention and i noticed that without relaizing it (and without hurting her) i was locating her jugular the way i was taught back then. She was purring so obviously i didnt hurt her but it made me freak out.
Like how do i define myself as a "good person" when im doing shit like that?
My therapist told me that i couldnt be a psycopath if i wanted to be but stil...
Like peope that hurt animals are put in prison, why am i the exception to that? Just because i was forced? So, I did get used to it and after a while i didnt care anymore.
Thats the main reason i punish, cuz i didnt get the proper punishment so i should have some sort of punishment for it.
My therapist says ive been punished enough.
Maybe waking up to their screams and hearing it in the middle of the night, maybe thats my punishment.
Im sorry, im rambling. I didnt mean to type all of this...
@Cj77 thank you! Dont know about brave, i just ramble iff whats in my head cuz in my head i cant make sense of any of it but thank you!
My Admin friend on the other site is talking to me about not going head to head with the 'programming' as that causes conflict, more like, i think, take what i get, work on it, take what i get again, work on it....sorta like tiding a wave i suppose or what one would call baby steps. Thats how im underatanding it anyway.
Its def been a war in my head and being 'programmed' is seriously possing me off but im not sure if thats enough for change as my therapist said anger direcrly correctly is motivating hut it seems to be adding to the rage that i already have aimed at myself. So this was my first attempt to try to redirect it.
This is literal hell, having a brain that throws out auotmatic thoughts, automatic atrong ritual urges that i dont want to do but if i fight it, it automatically jumps to lets go jump in front of the Amtrack.
Thats actually one of the two times i fully dissociated. I was fighting a ritual urge and the last thing i remember is being in my livingroom and them i 'woke up' sitting on the railroad tracks (which is maybe 10 or so yard from my front door) and i have no clue how I got there, let alone out of my house. That only happened twice, that was the only time it was dangerous and my therapist knows about it...but its why i dont fight those urges anymore.
I took victory over stopping/changing the "dog thing" ritual and then had that urge again last night for the and i have no idea where it came from or why. I know theres a lot of very intense emotions that im having a hard time dealing with but i stopped/changed that a while back. I didnt do it last night, I defaulted back to seductions to my admim friend, whom replied back with why he thinks i do it...and he was mostly right but i think it was just because of the emotions.
Even if i dont do that ritual, what i did to all those other poor animals....
I was just petting my cat last week i believe it was, wasnt paying attention and i noticed that without relaizing it (and without hurting her) i was locating her jugular the way i was taught back then. She was purring so obviously i didnt hurt her but it made me freak out.
Like how do i define myself as a "good person" when im doing shit like that?
My therapist told me that i couldnt be a psycopath if i wanted to be but stil...
Like peope that hurt animals are put in prison, why am i the exception to that? Just because i was forced? So, I did get used to it and after a while i didnt care anymore.
Thats the main reason i punish, cuz i didnt get the proper punishment so i should have some sort of punishment for it.
My therapist says ive been punished enough.
Maybe waking up to their screams and hearing it in the middle of the night, maybe thats my punishment.
Im sorry, im rambling. I didnt mean to type all of this...
@Cj77 thank you! Dont know about brave, i just ramble iff whats in my head cuz in my head i cant make sense of any of it but thank you!
- Post starter
- #17
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
All queued up ready to be read, and here i sit and shaking like a freaking leaf in the waiting room. 10 min count down (since he generally takes me late).
Something i have to do but dont want to but know I have to.
I wanna run and go get high on something...anything...
Something i have to do but dont want to but know I have to.
I wanna run and go get high on something...anything...
Forgetful
Gold Member
@lostforgottensoul
Rambling is ok. You're letting it all out and that's a good thing. It's safe to do here because there's no judgment. We've all done stuff we feel disgust or shame for. We need someplace to let it out. For some of us this the only safe place. I'm lucky in a way because I see a Pdoc and a T every week (though due to insurance reasons I have to stop seeing T soon). I will eventually let my poison out here. I don't think I can do that face to face, at least not yet. I know that it has to come out to heal.
Sorry, back to you. See I ramble too.
Gotta go. Be back later
Rambling is ok. You're letting it all out and that's a good thing. It's safe to do here because there's no judgment. We've all done stuff we feel disgust or shame for. We need someplace to let it out. For some of us this the only safe place. I'm lucky in a way because I see a Pdoc and a T every week (though due to insurance reasons I have to stop seeing T soon). I will eventually let my poison out here. I don't think I can do that face to face, at least not yet. I know that it has to come out to heal.
Sorry, back to you. See I ramble too.
Gotta go. Be back later
- Post starter
- #19
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
Welp, i read it.
I think my dyslexia is bad in this way cuz in not really inderstanding what im reading at first, so i did read it slow for thos reason (sped up at the end i think i was avoiding), i had tears well up but didnt fall.
We talked a bit about it, he had me read him all the replies to (i think thats more of re-pounding in my the countering of the 'programming").
We talked about cutting, as i dont catergorize cutting as punishment so we talked a bit about that...and what i do is weird and i dont know why i do it. But he says that we mirror what was done to us.
We talked about, or i asked why i do all of the rituals and punishments except one, i havent killed an animal since i have been 18 and actually have been an activist in helping animals and i think im over passionate about it.
He said because they couldnt take THAT from me, i have a conscience, i can place a boundry, (he said one that i couldnt be a psyopath if i tried), and he said that tells him that i can get better, that i can learn and heal from this.
And then we talked about crying and he said that once it starts, it will be all the time for a while and he said i take xanax right now to not bite people's heads off at work (and in general), but i'll take it then so i wont bawl my eyes out at work while trying to fix people's internet & PC...and then i mocked that [fake bawling sounds] "you cant find the power button on your tower? Im so sorry!" [More bawling sounds]. I can so see me a bawling/crying mess at work....sorta like being a rageful mess as i am now. And i can see an irrate customer screaming at me get me started at bawling again. Oh god! Do i even want to learn how to cry now?
Anyway, i dont know how i feel right now. I think its gonna take some more of reading it for it to hit me. God, it was a long time after writing the "dog thing" dream thread and i jad re-read it many times before, i sent it to my online friend and re-read it then at work and a tear fell, one, but it still fell.
Is it weird to not know how to cry?
The only other time i ever remember crying, it was closer to bawling, was when blame shifted, and thats different and i had bit a hole in a pillow and was puking my gets up too.
My pschychrist just gave me 25 mg (looks like mg & not mcg) of seroquel AND my xanax, she said to take both, not together, and to cut my xanax in half.
She doesnt want me to go into withdrawl but i wouldnt, i dont take it on my days off & stopped it for a few months. Im not gonna start it right away, i wanna take at least a few days off of work to give it a fighting chance.
I think my dyslexia is bad in this way cuz in not really inderstanding what im reading at first, so i did read it slow for thos reason (sped up at the end i think i was avoiding), i had tears well up but didnt fall.
We talked a bit about it, he had me read him all the replies to (i think thats more of re-pounding in my the countering of the 'programming").
We talked about cutting, as i dont catergorize cutting as punishment so we talked a bit about that...and what i do is weird and i dont know why i do it. But he says that we mirror what was done to us.
We talked about, or i asked why i do all of the rituals and punishments except one, i havent killed an animal since i have been 18 and actually have been an activist in helping animals and i think im over passionate about it.
He said because they couldnt take THAT from me, i have a conscience, i can place a boundry, (he said one that i couldnt be a psyopath if i tried), and he said that tells him that i can get better, that i can learn and heal from this.
And then we talked about crying and he said that once it starts, it will be all the time for a while and he said i take xanax right now to not bite people's heads off at work (and in general), but i'll take it then so i wont bawl my eyes out at work while trying to fix people's internet & PC...and then i mocked that [fake bawling sounds] "you cant find the power button on your tower? Im so sorry!" [More bawling sounds]. I can so see me a bawling/crying mess at work....sorta like being a rageful mess as i am now. And i can see an irrate customer screaming at me get me started at bawling again. Oh god! Do i even want to learn how to cry now?
Anyway, i dont know how i feel right now. I think its gonna take some more of reading it for it to hit me. God, it was a long time after writing the "dog thing" dream thread and i jad re-read it many times before, i sent it to my online friend and re-read it then at work and a tear fell, one, but it still fell.
Is it weird to not know how to cry?
The only other time i ever remember crying, it was closer to bawling, was when blame shifted, and thats different and i had bit a hole in a pillow and was puking my gets up too.
My pschychrist just gave me 25 mg (looks like mg & not mcg) of seroquel AND my xanax, she said to take both, not together, and to cut my xanax in half.
She doesnt want me to go into withdrawl but i wouldnt, i dont take it on my days off & stopped it for a few months. Im not gonna start it right away, i wanna take at least a few days off of work to give it a fighting chance.
Forgetful
Gold Member
Good for you for reading it to him. That's a big deal. Feel proud.
Also - not weird you can't cry. For a long time you were not allowed. But you will....a lot at first. You have to learn how to allow yourself first. A tear fell, that's good too.
Rest and relax for a bit. It was a hard day and you deserve some peace now. I need to do the same after my appointmentson but it's hard for me because we watch my granddaughter almost everyday so I take frequent smoke breaks outside.
Peace :hug:
Also - not weird you can't cry. For a long time you were not allowed. But you will....a lot at first. You have to learn how to allow yourself first. A tear fell, that's good too.
Rest and relax for a bit. It was a hard day and you deserve some peace now. I need to do the same after my appointmentson but it's hard for me because we watch my granddaughter almost everyday so I take frequent smoke breaks outside.
Peace :hug:
- Post starter
- #21
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
I wish i could. First i came home to drop off what i got at walmart and give my step mom her med (which i hold in my safe), saw the light in the fridge is out AND have no clue what happened to the appanice bulbs which I DO HAVE, or did, then went to the pharmacy where seriquel at only 25 mg WHICH IS THE LOWEST DOSE, the insur denied 90 of the non-extended release because they said they need prior authorization (basically why i need it) and they only approve 42 IN A 360 DAY TIME FRAME!?!?!?!?!!!!....thats only 3.5 A MONTH!
So the pharmacy went ahead and filled the 42, put the rest on hold for me (allowing me to come back and pay retail) and i had to call & leave a message for prior authorization.
f*cking really? Im just f*cking trying to level off my emotions. They act like im f*cking trying to get all high or some shit.
Same insur company that gives me UNLIMITED therapist visits but has a therapist that has to speak to my therapist to approve another year, though they have UNLIMITED visits.
Well the insur company's thereapist was MIA, NO ONE could get ahold of him, i called just to have them my therapist has to call and he had been several times a day for months; and they DIDNT tell me that i could request another theeapist for my therapist to call and it caused a denial of coverage for 4 months. My therapist os $125 a visit and I see him once a week...thats $500 a month! Thats insane! So my therapist saw me half price and wven when they insur approved me it took them 4 more months to back date the charges. Ive been seeing him on a credit now since like last Oct and i still have a credit balance.
f*ckin insur companies! Obamacare (obamacrap) is worse! I hate our healthcare! We need like Canada type healthcare for real!
Oh then went to walgreens where they dont sell applanice light bulbs anymore but every other f*cking kind! And im hurting too bad now going every f*cking place on the planet, traffic here is INSANE, I hate this area...every f*cking person on the planet comes here cuz of the stupid attractions! Im not going anywhere else...i'll use a flashlight until my dad goes and gets it.
Anyway, i took one just now to see if it will make me tored and how well it will help my anxiety thats now threw the roof thanks to my pain in my ass but have no choice since its group health insur!
Ok end of rant
Im gonna lay down on the couch, watcg some tv (aka kick my dad off my 50 inch flat screen where fox news and/or sports is on 24/7) amd just try to relax, im sure this is gonna hit hard soon.
Im finally hungry!
Last edited:
- Post starter
- #22
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
Holy f*cking shit! I cant believe this is the lowst mg of seriquiel! My phone looks like its bent in half! Damn!
Not gonna take it tomorrow and will start of again after ive approved 5 days off to give me a week to try it out and get used to it.
This shit is STRONG!
I cant believe she wants me to take a half of xanax, no f*cking way!
Now i get the insur thing a bit more.
Not gonna take it tomorrow and will start of again after ive approved 5 days off to give me a week to try it out and get used to it.
This shit is STRONG!
I cant believe she wants me to take a half of xanax, no f*cking way!
Now i get the insur thing a bit more.
- Moderator
- #23
Sideways
VIP Member
Ah seroquel! My wonder drug! Hate the side effects, but I'm a mess without it.
Heads up - it comes in a slow release form, so you can take a big hit that slowly releases into your system over 24 hours, giving you the benefit without the nasty side effects;)
Heads up - it comes in a slow release form, so you can take a big hit that slowly releases into your system over 24 hours, giving you the benefit without the nasty side effects;)
- Post starter
- #24
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
Ah yeah, gonna need that. It seriously f*cked me up! Im like "this is the lowest dose? Really?"
She had said there was an ER but i asked her, since i conversed about it on the other site and they said even the ER made you tired, that if i took it at night it would it help for my anxiety in the day and my therapist (whom is an LMHC but knows a ton about medication and the brain) said yes but she said no. So i said "well i dont care if i have to take it a few times a day" so she gave me the IR. This is like Abilify times 10 added a mix of like a gallon of vodka feeling.
I hate now im gonna have to wait for the ER, she just prescibed it. I might ask the pharmacy that if she prescribes the ER if they would fill it. I'll even give them back the IR and they can even keep the money for it.
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