Relationship His Cup Runneth Over = Isolation Especially When Perception Does Not Equal Reality

[NaeNae75]

So for the umpteenth time in our 6 year relationship, my significant other (s/o) has once again sent me an email that he isn't happy, and we need to "break up". But his definition is not the same as what the majority of the world sees it as. For him, it's code for: "I need space because I'm freaking out and overwhelmed. I can't just tell you that for some reason, but we can talk everyday and see each other when I feel up to it. You of course have the right to leave at anytime, but I really hope you don't because it would be painful for me if you did. I don't realize right now that it would be painful for you too." Crazy definition, huh?

How do I know that this is his definition? Because he tells me in the phone conversation we have after every time he sends one of the dreaded emails. Every time has unique circumstances involved, but also a lot of the same as well. I've also learned that these celibate "breaks" can last anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks. The first one was the longest, but it came before his diagnosis. That one was 4 months, but we saw each other several times a week, we just weren't sleeping in each other's beds.

This time has a few contributing factors. We've been talking a lot recently about either getting married or moving in together. This in and of itself is very stressful for him. For the most part, though, the talks have been safe and when he's had enough, we talk about something else. The biggest space hog in his cup lately, revolves around his son, his son's mother, and the preparation for round 3 of their custody battle.

His son's mother is a gigantic reason he has PTSD. She has an ugly personality and is physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. On top of his military related PTSD, he suffered a substantial amount of abuse from his time with this woman. She has continued abusing him in regards to the living conditions of their son, and in her interactions with him concerning their son as well.

So naturally, preparing for court is a MAJOR trigger. His attorney filed an Affidavit with the court two weeks ago. He finally received word back on their date on Thursday this week. It will not be until May. He was crushed because of some of the time sensitive points in the Affidavit can not be executed with that time frame. Needless to say, the first thing he did after receiving the news is send me my "break up email".

He swears up and down that it has nothing to do with it, and he's been unhappy for ages. I reminded him that it may seem like that right now, but breaking up with me isn't going to make him happy either. I asked him what about being with me makes him unhappy. He said he couldn't think of anything specifically. I told him that I realize he needs space, and that's why he's unhappy. I told him to take it, but I was unhappy that he sent me another email instead of asking for the space like we had agreed upon as a proactive measure. I guess that all of the planning in the world doesn't bring the outcome practiced.

He told me he loves me and cares deeply for me, but it isn't fair to me that he needs so much space. I told him to let me worry about what is fair or not, and what I can handle. I asked him to not break up with me, but to do like we agreed to and tell me he loves me but needs space, be patient and he'll be back when he can. He told me he can't do that right now. He reiterated he loves me, will not break communication, we will do some already planned family activities with our kids this weekend, but that's all he can give me right now.

The funny thing is, I have no problem with the time alone, or the needing of space. What I have the biggest problem with is him breaking up with me. He will say, "well, you call me or text me too much and you're so needy" but when I ask him to pull up the call or text log and he sees that we don't even text everyday, and he sees in black and white that I don't do what he's perceiving, he still can't always wrap his mind around it.

He often accuses me of things he can't substantiate, because they are perceived and not real. Once he's in a state that he isn't triggered, he sees a little more clearly, but not completely.

We've made it a point to journal, so he has concrete evidence, but even that doesn't always work for him to accept reality. So really, sometimes I'm fighting a battle I can't win. How do you win when you never actually did most if any of the things you're accused of.

I stay and deal with everything, because 99 % of the time, he's the most loving gentle man you could imagine....and even with that said I still struggle with the decision of whether to leave or not this time. A very large part of me realizes I may never have what I want and that's him cohabiting or us getting married. But, with my own PTSD issues and other baggage, I don't think I will ever truly open myself up to another relationship anyway. So, either way, I'm alone. Either I'm alone with him, or I'm alone alone.......

It really makes me feel like I'm a failure. I feel like I'm doomed to a life taking care of everyone else, but without any real reciprocity. I know I should just realize that this is what he does EVERY time his cup overflows....but I have not yet mastered that. It still cuts like a dull ass knife every single time.

What I'm hoping for from this is to get it off of my chest, and to share with others with similar experiences. Also, I welcome any input regarding strategies on how to keep myself from cycling and to ask other supporters what you do to cope and to ask other sufferers what makes you do this and what you think when you come out of isolation. I guess I just want to know I'm not a sucker.....

 

[NaeNae75]

Oh, what I also would like an opinion on is if this goes on for any amount of time, should I do situation normal and keep up with communication with him, or am I teaching him that every time he does this, I'm a doormat and I'll take it. Or should I actually treat it like we are really broken up and stop talking to him until he figures it out for himself so that if we do stay together, it isn't as easy for him to "break up" next time? Is that too mean? I don't know if he can handle that or not......or if he will end up in a worse depression and push me away completely because I abandoned him? (when he in fact is "leaving" me) I truly believe that he believes I won't go, so he feels safe to push during these times so if I actually stop talking to him, will that break his trust?
It really isn't hard for me to wait, because I'm used to it, and always have plenty to keep myself happy and occupied in the meantime, so if I do wait, I'm really not "suffering" in the way most people would. I just don't know if I'm perpetuating unhealthy behavior or not.

.....holy moses.....and yes, I do realize this sounds codependent as hell....but I never claimed to be right in the head either.

 

[Casey_03]

if this goes on for any amount of time, should I do situation normal and keep up with communication with him, or am I teaching him that every time he does this, I'm a doormat and I'll take it. Or should I actually treat it like we are really broken up and stop talking to him until he figures it out for himself so that if we do stay together, it isn't as easy for him to "break up" next time? Is that too mean? I don't know if he can handle that or not......or if he will end up in a worse depression and push me away completely because I abandoned him? (when he in fact is "leaving" me) I truly believe that he believes I won't go, so he feels safe to push during these times so if I actually stop talking to him, will that break his trust?

You are teaching him he can get away with this and you are a doormat, in my opinion. And if you've been allowing him to do this the whole time, it's likely that this pattern of behavior is so deeply embedded in the relationship that it will be really really hard to break without taking drastic measures. If he "breaks up" with you, you should absolutely treat it like a real break up. Don't respond to him if he messages, don't call him, don't communicate with him in any way. But tell him flat out when he announces the "break up" that you will take it seriously and it really means the end. It's concerning to see you toss around phrases like "too mean" and worry he might think you "abandoned him." That just sounds like the relationship has become emotionally abusive and codependent, which in turn would mean it's pretty much doomed anyway. And yes, to be really blunt, a lot of what you wrote does sound codependent as hell. You start out sounding assertive and then at some point in your thinking, it's clear you start to doubt and second guess yourself. And then you start sounding like a battered woman making excuses for her abusive husband and inventing reasons to not leave him (I realize he is not physically abusive, but the rationalizing sounds very similar here). Ultimately, I think you two have already established a super unhealthy pattern of behavior that needs to be addressed using drastic measures .... he always pushes you away, maybe it's your turn to show him that you can stay away and he doesn't get to toy with you. I know you say you are perfectly fine with his behavior, but that's clearly not true, because you wouldn't be posting on here if it didn't bother you. Don't worry about what he can handle or whether he'll feel abandoned, worry about what you're enabling if you continue to let him walk all over you ...

 

[Peach]

I didn't read everything you wrote, came onto the board today for my own thread, but your title caught my attention.

It's nice that you at least know his definition for breaking up. Figuring out exactly what my sufferer means in certain situation is often key for knowing what steps to take next or when to give things some time to cool off. :)

 

[scout86]

Or, maybe, you're teaching him that you're someone who's pretty stable and trustworthy and dependable.

I just kind of realized that I've been playing "101 reasons to quit therapy" this morning for kind of similar reasons. I know you're not his therapist and his behavior isn't fair. It might legitimately be in your best interest to bail. But his fear and anxiety might be real and he might be doing the best he can. Then the question is whether or not that's good enough.

 

[NaeNae75]

You are teaching him he can get away with this and you are a doormat, in my opinion. And if you've been...

I understand what you're saying, and I appreciate your opinion. I would like to address a couple of your statements, though.
I never said I'm fine with his behavior. I find it irritating as hell. I did, however, say that if he took his "space" in a manor other than wording it as a "break up" which it never is....it's just his terminology. Other than sex, our relationship carries on fairly status quo during his "phases". I did say that we do have an understanding that he can always take the space he needs when he needs it, because it is not unusual for someone suffering PTSD to need it. That is what I am perfectly fine with. I'm frustrated because we've been working on an action plan for him to be able to label it what it is....needing space. I have been able to verbalize my need for space when I need it, but I was also diagnosed almost 20 years ago and have had 25 years of therapy to go with it. I have a lot more practice.
I have been unwilling to this point to just cut things off cold turkey, because once he isn't feeling his depression so severely, things are fine. Even when he is in the middle of the downward side of the cycle, he is there for me and our kids. He isn't abusive at all. Even when he's telling me he needs to pull away, he is there for me, just not completely the way I may want. Part of the problem is he's very passive aggressive and doesn't tell me when he's feeling stressed until it's out of control and he needs a few days to himself.
I'm frustrated because after he says he calls it a break up so that I have a chance to move on without him because I deserve better....that's why it's always an email. He still hasn't been capable of always expressing his feelings because of being non confrontational.
I really appreciate what you're saying, I do. I guess I should have said from the beginning that I'm not ready to walk away, because our kids, especially his son with his ex, is experiencing some pretty traumatic stuff already....which is what is causing my s/o to be so overwhelmed. I've been abused....I spent my entire childhood being abused. Nothing he does to me feels like abuse. Him needing space isn't abuse, it's him having a need that may not coincide with my likes. I just want to figure out a way to help him deal with it before he's completely triggered....but I can't....that's the nastiness of PTSD. He's only been in therapy for a year now, and has come leaps and bounds since then.
I'm not making excuses either....it isn't okay for him to do this. But I don't know if it's worth ripping apart our family. Since the email Thursday, he spent Thursday at home and Friday as well. But he always spends Friday at home with his son. Today we are carrying out our plans as usual....I just know not to be too touchy feely with him. We have talked numerous times in this period, because he has contacted me to let me know he's okay....(last year when he did this he was suicidal and was "breaking up" because he was going to kill himself) I don't feel responsible for his happiness....that's up to him. But when he needs time to himself, I haven't been able to justify why the rest of us can't be considerate. He took extremely good care of me through 3 brain surgeries. How can I leave him when he's sick?

 

[NaeNae75]

Or, maybe, you're teaching him that you're someone who's pretty stable and trustworthy and dependable....

For now, it is... I know he HATES hurting me....it makes him feel even worse, which is why I think he chooses to try to break things instead of asking for time. He doesn't want to be unfair and ask for something if it might hurt me. Funny thing is, it doesn't hurt to give him space. I realize it isn't me or anything I've done....I used to, but once we started journaling and tracking things, I realize I'm not perfect, but not needy or clingy or the other things he perceives when he needs space. I'm just me.
We still spend time together when he does this because even though it's hard for him, he says he realizes he need to be around to try to salvage what we can in the end. I suppose I'm more venting than anything because I don't know where else to do it other than with my therapist. I won't bring our kids into it, and my friends don't get it....so I come here for some solace, relief, and support. I don't like many people in my life knowing my business because I'm a business owner....I never want stuff to come back and bite me in the end. So, I guess because my therapist isn't 24/7.....I come here to vent.

 

[Casey_03]

@NaeNae75 I hear ya. I guess I didn't mean cut ties forever necessarily, but next time he does this don't let him continue acting like everything is normal; let him see his own mistake (of insisting it's a break up when it's not). Also, I realize he's not abusive, but it does seem pretty crappy that he essentially projects all the blame onto you during these "break ups" (unless I'm not understanding you clearly when you say he claims you're too needy and text too often, etc). It sounds like he is still very immature emotionally and you are not, and to your credit, you are very patient and understanding, which is great. It is understandable that he is working through his PTSD issues, but my advice is to be careful to not let these unhealthy patterns become the norm. It's really not okay for him to insist on "breaking up" because you are too needy and then continue talking to you as if nothing has changed. And then for you to feel bad about it and worry about abandoning him! That right there is just mind games, and I just don't see how they can be good for either of you. If he ever does choose to break up with you permanently, how will you even know if he's serious? You are right that the biggest problem here is communication, and it seems like he is completely unable to communicate. But at the same time there does seem to be some codependency going on .... (not nearly as bad as it could be, but i know all too well how codependency can just sneak up on you .... so i say nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand)

 

[scout86]

Part of the problem is he's very passive aggressive and doesn't tell me when he's feeling stressed until it's out of control and he needs a few days to himself.

Maybe that's passive aggressive.... I have a hard time expressing that kind of thing because it "feels dangerous". I don't know how else to explain it. It just seems like, if I say how I really feel, with someone who's important, the only way it can go is "badly". What my T calls "the rational part of my brain, that we'd LIKE to think is running the show" knows that's probably not true and, even if it is, it's not the end of the world. But it doesn't SEEM that way. So I look for more indirect ways to try to make my point. Although I don't necessarily expect people to get it.

But, you guys had a plan in place, which I think is pretty cool, and a great idea. Did the plan have any consequences for failure to follow the plan? Like "If you do this by email again 'X' is going to be the result"? With the consequence being something you're both willing to live with, obviously.

 

[NaeNae75]

@NaeNae75 I hear ya. I guess I didn't mean cut ties forever necessarily, but next ti...

I appreciate everything you're saying, and I agree with you. The clarification makes a lot of sense. You're right, how would I ever know? I wouldn't, I guess, unless he actually stopped talking to me. It is crappy that he does this. We spent the day yesterday working on my farm with his son. We had a good day, but then he wouldn't have dinner with us at home, but went back to his house instead. I guess that was a bit of a straw for me. I took a bit of your advise and told him that it is NOT okay to treat me like this. I told him that I understand what is happening, even when he doesn't always. I told him that his loss of control is being redirected at trying to control me and our relationship. I told him that I'm not a Raggity Ann doll that he can put away in the toy box when he's trying to clean up his room that will be there to play with once it is clean and he wants to play again. I told him that I am a woman with feelings, and it is not okay to behave this way. I told him that he is well within his right in our relationship to take space whenever he wants, but it is NOT okay to tell me it's a breakup and then act like nothing is wrong. I also told him that for now, he knows I'm not going anywhere until we get this figured out, but I can't guarantee how long nor if there's a "next time"
After I said this, I told him I was going to go because I have a lot to get done today, and he's going to his folks house out of town for his father's birthday. I told him he really needs to reflect on what he really wants and I'm going to give him the space to do it. I told him that he really needs to ask himself how we can be "broken up" but talk everyday and see each other all of the time. I told him that's because he is lying to himself more than he's lying to me. He sheepishly said goodbye and I'll talk to you soon.
I guess I need to find the balance between supportive and taken for granted...but I am trying.

 

[NaeNae75]

Maybe that's passive aggressive.... I have a hard time expressing that kind of thing because it "feels d...

I don't just mean that he's passive aggressive in this situation, but he is overall. He's extremely non-confrontational in most areas of his life. What you're saying makes absolute sense to me too, though.

No....I guess that was the fault in "the plan", lol......Once things get back to normal, that will have to be a necessary modification. Thank you for the suggestion. We just had a plan that this was what he would do. I guess since I thought he would just do it this way, I never considered needing consequences....boy what a sap! lol
Thank you very much for your insight, it is really helpful!

 

[scout86]

I never considered needing consequences....boy what a sap! lol
Thank you very much for your insight, it is really helpful!

I only have the insight because I'd do exactly the same thing myself. In fact, I do the same thing WITH myself. :)

It's fascinating, and scary, that this stuff can look so different from each side. i THINK, but am not sure, that I totally get where he's coming from. And, I'd be thinking I was doing you a favor by not inflicting my presence on you any more than I already had. So I'd leave, or want to, totally believing I was doing everyone concerned a huge favor. It would never occur to me that would be hurtful. Hurting someone would be what I was trying to avoid, at least partly that. It would actually never occur to me that someone would want me around. (Now I'm wondering if people see me as passive aggressive! I HATE passive aggressive!) Anyway, it's probably good that relationships are one of the things I avoid!

It really sounds like the 2 of you are on the right track. It just sometimes takes a few tries to get where you're going.