Childhood I Dont Understand

[lostforgottensoul]

And no one asked your opinion when you got born into the middle of it. Reason to be angry, but also reason to have pity, because no one asked her either.

True...

When you think about it, there's not a lot of difference between those two things.

My therapist says that, he's the one that have me the words "fundalmentalist christian" and the "leader" sexually abused me for as long as we were at that church.

Personally, I'm most angry at a social services system that didn't notice kids in that situation and yank them out of there. And, when you get right down to it, your mother should have been yanked out of HER childhood home early enough on to give her a chance too.

They didnt have a chance with me, i was too chicken shit scared to tell anyone and a lot had suspesion but i wouldnt even admit to it.

The last email I got from my T, he was talking about "cutting things up into little pieces, like a cake" and then he went on to putting the pieces back together as a pie...... LOL Sometimes I wonder about him! But same general idea.

Lol, yeah mine and yours sound so much alike.

 

[scout86]

i was too chicken shit scared to tell anyone

You know what? If any of the adults outside of your immediate circle had been paying attention and had any guts SOMEONE should have figured out there was a problem! Maybe don't get me started? LOL But, reporting really wasn't your job. There are people who get paid to do this stuff. Granted they are over worked and underpaid and there are a ton of other problems. But, if the people in this country would decide that kids are more important than oil millionaires, this would be a better place!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@scout86 i know BUT I had enough people that knew something very bad was happening and was asked and asked and a few times by the school cop whom was an actual cop and in my city you have to admit to something or show marks and i didnt admit to anything and the marks were where no one could see ot id cover them and i denied it all.

I gave out MANY hints to my mentor but was so very terrified to admit or say enough to warrent any sort of any investigation.

I did beg a cop once to arrest me instead of take me back home when i ran away.

And my 7th grade teacher tried hard to get something out of me, he was probably the one that was there the most for me.

Just wish i would of said more...

 

[Sideways]

But when you think about how hard it is to even say it now, all these years later, as a bright adult who has (arguably) the capacity to keep themself safe from what happened...maybe it's pretty reasonable that the child version of you had trouble saying it too, you know?

 

[scout86]

That's what I mean. They were all adults and it's their job to ferret this stuff out. It actually wasn't your job to make it easy for them. I guess it would have been nice, but I totally understand why you didn't. (I didn't either, for the record. It was nothing anywhere near as bad as what you went through, but I never told anyone until I was an adult. And it was hard enough then.)

BUT I had enough people that knew something very bad was happening and was asked and asked and a few times by the school cop whom was an actual cop and in my city you have to admit to something or show marks and i didnt admit to anything and the marks were where no one could see ot id cover them and i denied it all.

That right there....... What was going on in your "home" should have sparked some kind of investigation. They should have been questioning more people than you. You had almost nothing in your background to make you think you could trust them. They had (or should have had) the training to know that. It's a tough situation, really, and it happens a lot. But, bottom line, telling people wasn't your job and you handled that the best way you knew how at the time.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

maybe it's pretty reasonable that the child version of you had trouble saying it too, you know?

I know and my therapist all the time that it isnt fair for my adult mind to judge my child mind...its just not that easy.

So many could of, would of, should of out there. Why didnt i....

It is what it is, i cant go too far that direction or blame will move back and though its not near as hard to fight to keep it there, it still wants to move back.

Just so f*cking confusing to hate my mother but love her at the same time and to add to that confusion that i already have, i have a confusing and completely comflicting dream than i always have. Nightmares i have have always been of 'the monster' thats coming to get me or is hurting me...this, this type of dream hasnt ever happened before and it just added to the confusion...