Nonomonogamy

[AKZ]

In the beginning I thought of myself as a monogamous type! For the past three years I do not think I can commit to one person or even a long term relationship. Sometimes I feel different people give me different things. So Im now trying to figure this out!

 

[rightkindofme]

The full purpose of the original type is to see if other folks here also go through similar sorts of cycles.

This cycle came on faster than usual. It isn't that this behavior is completely out of character it is that I have been on hiatus for years and I went from nothing to full speed. He wishes I had ramped up slower. It isn't that full speed is bad... it is that it kinda came from nothing and that's alarming.

But we are talking about it for many hours a day to deal with it not hurting our relationship.

I know other hypersexual people, but not people who are hypersexual with PTSD. I was wondering about overlap with folks here.

My drive comes in waves. I'm sure it qualifies as hypomania, but it isn't an annual thing or just trauma related it is about life cycles and need for change and needing something to jump start shifts in behavior.

I'm curious how it works for others.

 

[Friday]

I've been married for 10 years. When we met we each had other primary partners. We go through long...

<grin> Ah! I've got it now :) I misread your original post with the phrases "not being able to stay", and "conflicted over what your behavior means" as struggles/challenges, or symptom stuff, not personal preference & patterns. AKA Nonmonogamy as a lifestyle choice, not as a consequence.

TBH, it sounds like you're more than able to stay monogamous when needed/wanted, as that looks to be exactly what you've done whenever your primary requires it. If that changes, and you weren't able to use self control when necessary? Then, yeah, might be a control thing. But I agree with you, with more info, it really doesn't sound like it!

 

[rightkindofme]

I can be monogamous for years when there is a good reason. When the good reason goes away... I really just... don't maintain that state. It isn't much fun.

 

[Friday]

I know other hypersexual people, but not people who are hypersexual with PTSD. I was wondering about overlap with folks here.

My drive comes in waves. I'm sure it qualifies as hypomania, but it isn't an annual thing or just trauma related it is about life cycles and need for change and needing something to jump start shifts in behavior.

<grin> Okay, this is a really fun topic to think about, so I hope you don't mind if I run with it for a bit. If I've got it wrong, again, and I'm taking things in a direction you didn't mean? Just let me know and I'll edit / delete it out of here & move stuff over to my diary.

...

Hypersexual? Yep. High range of normal, though, doesn't dip into pathology (except for the first few months following any time I've been raped, then it's outside the realm of normal for a little while, but never to a degree I've been unhappy with. Uptick tends to last for a few months, and then smooth back out into my own personal version of normal).

My own drive tends to be pretty steady. Frequency-wise New partners/relationships are ideally 5ish times a day / several hours a day for the first couple years (can happily do the all day every day if no one has a job or responsibilities to attend to, when very new). Established partners (longer than a year or two) tends to drop into once a day / an hour or two on average and hold. Including my longest relationship (11 years).

Aside from rape up-ticks, sex is incredibly grounding for me. So there tends to be situational upticks depending on stress levels. Those are pretty small deviations, though. Not major lifestyle switching.

...

Outside of sex, into the realm of friendships/relationships... That's where I tend to cycle. I don't change friends every few years, I keep my old friends, but I do tend to add friends every few years. That's what comes in waves for me; my level of connection with others. I'm not an extrovert (although I'm also not shy). I don't need to have people around all the time. In fact,mI usually prefer not to / it takes a whole lot of energy for me to connect with others. But there are times when I, IDK quite how to explain it, Have this surplus of energy & instead of draining it's both hugely relaxing & balancing as well as enervating to go out into the world and see who's about. :D I usually end up traveling / making a lot of new friends / acquaintances during these cycles. I very much prefer to do this while traveling, just because it deals with other people's expectations very simply. If I don't live there, people don't expect me to be as involved in their lives as I am when I am there.

I very much like Simon's explanation of "my person". There is only ever and incredibly small number of people (1 or 2 at most on average) who receive any degree of consistency from me. "My Person" whether friend or lover is my single highest priority for me outside of my child. Then there are pretty much concentric circles branching off of that, or snowflake styling off from that. I am super inconsistent with these folks. <chuckling> In fact, somewhere else, I mentioned that one of the determining factors in whether or not I'm able to be friends with someone long term or not, is their ability to be ignored for long periods of time, and pick back up like nothin ever happened. The vast majority of my long term friends have similar relationship needs; they're busy. They care about people, but have very full lives; demanding careers, intense family lives, etc. What makes us capable of being friends is that the sporadic contact suits us both right down to the ground. Love them to bits, but they're not part of my daily life, and I'm not part of theirs. And we're both more than fine with that. We prefer it.

In order to find these people (people who have the same desires in friendship as I do), however, one first has to go out at meet a lot of different people. Traveling, as I said above, helps manage people's expectations a great deal, right off the bat. Because most people, I've found, don't have cycling needs for human connection & interaction. They need/want consistency in all things. That's just not me. Loyalty? Yes. Consistency? No.

...for years when there is a good reason. When the good reason goes away... I really just... don't maintain that state. It isn't much fun.

LMAO. Sounds like how I feel about celibacy. Can I do it? Yes. But it's noooooo fun :wtf:

 

[rightkindofme]

Oh Friday that sounds awesome. Yes. My shrink is shocked that my husband and I still want to have sex 20+ times a month 10 years into marriage. That's mostly because we are both workaholics. If we could somehow talk ourselves into working less than 15 hours a day we would have more sex.

I'm thrilled to hear from you. Lots of people have broken up with me because I'm "too demanding".

I like having sex with my friends. The folks I'm sleeping with are folks who have been tremendously supportive for many years. Some up to 12, 16 years.

I'm at this point where... I just want to have people love me that much. It's so lovely.

 

[void]

I am not going to get specific, because this isn't the forum for that. But I was wondering if othe...

Polyamory is 100% AOK imo as long as true informed consent is actualized.

But, how your PTSD relates to your sexual desires/motivation is likely complex.

What role does attachment, abandonment, trust, seeking of reward, feelings of connection, stability, impulse control, fear of intimacy, emotional regulation, feeling in control (and many many more) are just some of the aspects which may or may not be worth self-examination.

I'm impressed with you @rightkindofme for being willing to explore this.:happy:

 

[corvidae]

poly here too and had a bit of a time naming it...er, if that makes any sense. growing up under fundamentalist sharia law in the southern US (baptist flavor) did not help me figure anything to do with sexuality out.

 

[rightkindofme]

Lots of consent involved here. I not only talk to everyone about everything I document it on the internet. I'm not hiding anything.

@void yes, you get into what I'm thinking about. How does trust/attachment/etc play in with my need to go have additional relationships right now.

I'm hunting friends. These are mostly former play partners/lovers who have continued to show up and be devoted through years of not having sex. This is... different than what I've done in the past. In the past when I went hunting I wanted new people and I didn't want to know them after sex. Now... I want to feel loved and adored way more than just one person can like anyone.

Sooooo much about control going on. So much. Control. Control. Control.

Oh man.

Yay! I found the poly corner. :D Welcome @corvidae .

@FridayJones when I was traveling last year it was really hard to remain monogamous but I'm proud of myself for doing it. I was alone with my kids and that would have been sketchy. I proved to myself that I do limit this based on safety factors.

That's growth...

 

[void]

Lots of consent involved here. I not only talk to everyone about everything I document it on the i...

@rightkindofme

Keep exploring your inner self and you will uncover the answers:hug: