Does Going To Therapy Every Week Make Me Believe I Need To Go To Therapy Every Week?!

[Sideways]

One thing that ptsd'ers and T's agree on is it gets worse before it gets better. So it makes sense that you don't want to go back to that.

But all the emotions you're avoiding won't go away by themselves. At some point they're going to implode or explode. And if you dissociate, that's not going to stop happening until you learn how to manage it.

Therapy is an opportunity for you to take charge, in a supported way, and deal with all that junk. The goal is to get you to a point where you don't have to avoid anything anymore. You learn to love yourself. You learn to experience emotions about yourself, other people, and the world around you, in a healthy and fulfilling way.

Life might be "ok" now. But how long will that last? Why did you start therapy in the first place? If you want to experience life on your own terms, experience emotions in a good way, love yourself without having to deny big chunks of your life, then you need to go back to therapy.

Yes, therapy is awful. But my god, it's sooo worth it in the long run. Your life could be some much richer than the 'avoidance' existence that you're living now. I'm sorry there's not an easier way through this - but it's worth it. Absolutely worth it.

 

[Sandstone]

Perhaps therapy just keeps all the shitty stuff on my radar. And maybe that isn't helpful

And, yes, there's trauma I haven't processed and I know that's meant to be where we're going next. But now I'm just thinking, what's the point? Because, as things are now, this feels manageable. So, why stir up anything else so that I then feel not ok?! Feels counter-intuitive!

Is manageable good enough? I've wondered the same thing, but then realised that my life is only manageable because it is so circumscribed. I want it to be joyous, and I know that my life often was that good before. Therapy seems my best chance of it being good again
I also know that the shitty stuff will still be there even when it isn't flashing on my radar, and that if I don't keep track of it ,then it will burst out on me when I don't expect it. So in your position I'd be celebrating the strength you have to live to day to day, and also celebrating the fact you have a therapist you both like and trust.

 

[barefoot]

I feel like this thread has given me conflicting feelings from you about seeing your T. Do you look forward to it, feel validated and accepted, and think it's just stroking your need to brood on small stuff? Or does it force you to work on challenging issues, makes you dissociative, and makes you feel stuck in sadness?

It's both.

On the one hand: I like her a lot, I look forward to going, I like feeling validated/accepted and feel that she understands, which makes me feel less isolated and more "normal" about some stuff.

On the other: pretty much as soon as we touch on any trauma, I dissociate and sometimes end up retraumatised because I sometimes kind of toggle rapidly between being dissociated and then being emotionally flooded. And the aftermath of those things are pretty full-on...when I get so severely dissociated in session, it can easily write off a week as I go in and out of dissociation and feeling incredibly low for days.

I think I do put a lot of time and energy into feeling safe with her, which sometimes means I will chat for a long time about things that don't really matter because I'm in some way trying to check that everything's ok. I've been seeing her for almost two years and don't know why I still feel the need to do this. I've talked to her a few times about it and asked her how I can make myself stop doing it, but she says I'm doing what I need to feel safe and that's ok. I do it less now than I used to, but I still haven't stopped.

I think part of the issue with dissociating/getting flooded is that I don't seem to recognise when it's starting and then I'm just gone - it happens very deeply, very fast. I feel like I need to learn how to regulate myself better so that I don't keep getting in my own way. But I don't know how to do that. My therapist just says we need to be flexible and work with it and not try to force stuff.

She is not relentless every session in doing "the hard stuff". If I have a tough session, we always then have a light session for the next week or two. Maybe that's why I feel like I can't do it properly...because I end up having more light ones because I've dissociated badly every time we've tried to do the proper work. It makes me think that I just can't do it and that I'm just putting myself through the mill trying :-(

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I think part of the issue with dissociating/getting flooded is that I don't seem to recognise when it's starting and then I'm just gone - it happens very deeply, very fast. I feel like I need to learn how to regulate myself better so that I don't keep getting in my own way. But I don't know how to do that. My therapist just says we need to be flexible and work with it and not try to force stuff.

I go through a lot of times when dissociation (or switching for me) or getting flooded (also can involve switching) and I have learned some of the early warning signs and am able to sometimes be able to let someone know so they can help me or understand that I need to help myself (depending on where I am and who I am with).

The not recognizing when the dissociation or getting flooded starting is probably the spot you need to work on. You've got ways to feel comfortable and safe in her office so that seems like a real positive to me. What does your therapist do when she notices that you are dissociating or getting flooded and do you think she's catching that you are too late in the process (so to speak since time gets really strange when you're dissociated)? Maybe that is another factor to consider in this process of asking yourself about your therapy.

 

[barefoot]

The goal is to get you to a point where you don't have to avoid anything anymore. You learn to love yourself. You learn to experience emotions about yourself, other people, and the world around you, in a healthy and fulfilling way.

Wow...yeah...I'm not really anywhere near there at the moment...!

 

[barefoot]

@Sandstone You're right...I know that manageable shouldn't be good enough.
And I know I'm fortunate to have access to a good therapist who I've built a good relationship with.

Sorry...I don't really know why I'm having this wobble at the moment...

 

[sun seeker]

I've felt pissed off with her on one level for taking such a long break even though, intellectually, I get why she needs to take that time. But I don't think that's attachment issues?

I would take another look at that. It kind of looks like it to me. :-)

I do understand what you are saying about thinking maybe the issue that is bothering you now won't be an issue in another 10 days so would you get over it on your own anyway? I'd consider looking at therapy a different way. From what you say, and this might be only one part of what you do in therapy, it is a place where you talk over current issues. Nothing wrong with that except that it doesn't change why the issues are coming up and why they are bothering you. To do that, with trauma, you have to go into the past, not just talking but releasing, grounding, connecting with resources, etc. We tend to keep finding new situations that mirror the past in some way, until the past is dealt with.

pretty much as soon as we touch on any trauma, I dissociate and sometimes end up retraumatised because I sometimes kind of toggle rapidly between being dissociated and then being emotionally flooded

So you are working on the trauma, but perhaps it needs to go slower? All this, from here, is looking like yes, you do need to be seeing her once a week and focusing on resourcing.

I saw several therapists before the one I have now, who does trauma therapy. With the others it was mainly just talking, and I would often talk about what had happened that week. It was nice to have someone to talk to, but I didn't make much progress. With the therapist I am working with now, we talk about current issues but it is minimal in comparison to the bulk of the work we do.

 

[barefoot]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve - I think sometimes she catches it when I first start to get spacey. But there have definitely been times when I don't think she's realised when I've started going and by the time she does I'm in pretty deep. Last time (a couple of weeks before she went off on her break) I was in such a state that I could barely stand. I couldn't feel my feet on the floor and couldn't feel the edges of my body for days afterwards... And we both said the following week that we were shocked by what happened when I stood up because neither of us realised that that was what was happening. She said I sometimes seem pretty present even when it clearly then turns out that all sorts of stuff is going on.

When she spots me getting spacey, she'll check in on that, she'll ask how I'm doing, whether I feel in my body, whether I'm getting spacey etch. But sometimes I don't realise I am, so I say I'm fine. And I think sometimes on some level maybe I do realise that I'm drifting but in a weird way I can't bring myself to say I am, so then again, I tell her I'm fine and deny that I'm getting spacey. And then the shit hits the fan and I can't think, can't speak, feel afraid, can't stand up etc. And then she has to work super hard to help get me back because I seem completely incapable of getting back myself because I just feel so confide and disorientated and afraid.

Once I'm full-on dissociating/getting flooded I think she often just sits with me while I'm doing it and then occasionally she'll say my name and try to distract me and try to engage me in a conversation about cats or something. But I'm usually too confused and scared to talk to her by that point. I have things in my bag (hand cream, mints, perfume) to use to help me ground but when she mentioned them before, I didn't even recognise that the bag was mine, so I think it was quite a drawn out process because it was like I was looking through someone else's bag and then I kept forgetting what I was meant to be looking for anyhow...

Maybe we need to go back to the drawing board and find some new things to practise. I just find it so frustrating!

 

[barefoot]

I would take another look at that. It kind of looks like it to me. :)

Ha! Oh...Ok...feel a bit stupid now. Hmm...

 

[sun seeker]

feel a bit stupid now

Sorry, not my intent. I know I have attachment issues, so I recognize them quickly in others.

 

[barefoot]

@sun seeker

No, I know it wasn't your intent. I was teasing. But at the same time, I do feel a bit stupid because I don't really know anything about attachment stuff and it had never crossed my mind that I had an issue with it.

Re my therapy - I guess we mainly talk about current stuff and then my therapist will often then draw my attention to the fact that the current thing is connected to the past stuff. And then I get panicky really quickly and then if we start talking about that and joining the dots together and probing into the old stuff, that's what I tend to dissociate. So, my head kind of checks out before we've really done very much on the trauma stuff at all.

I think she's going slowly and gently with me because she doesn't want to force anything and retraumatise me and because she thinks I need to feel safe and this is helping me to feel safe. But I also know that she feels that we need to dig into the trauma. And I feel in limbo. Because on the one hand I feel like I can't force it. But also, I just feel like we're waiting for me to magically be able to do the work and that clearly isn't going to happen - I'm not going to just wake up one morning feeling ready and able to dive into the trauma work and know that my head will stay in the room.

With the trauma - I've told her what happened. I told her very factually. I don't really feel anything about it....it feels like I'm telling someone else's story and sometimes it feels like I've just made it up. I haven't told anyone else. I don't think it's "bad enough" to warrant me having PTSD. She's said I minimise it and that I'm in denial and that I choose to take responsibility myself when the responsibility should rest with someone else. She's said lots of times that we need to work on me connecting emotionally to what happened so that I can process it. I originally thought I was in my late-teens when it happened. I discovered a few months ago that I was actually a lot younger than that. I've told my therapist that I got my timeline wrong and she said that the fact that I was a child at the time actually made a lot of things make more sense for her in terms of the impact on me. The other week when I dissociated severely she'd started talking about how perhaps we need to refocus our work and start looking at the inner child. I freaked out. But neither of us knew that until I got up to leave and couldn't stand up... Perhaps I should just go in one week and say I want to talk about what happened and then that will make me talk about it. And then I'll just have to try to focus and not dissociate. But I can't see me saying that. And I don't seem to have any control over the dissociation at the moment. So I don't really know what to do :-(

 

[barefoot]

@sun seeker
Do you know of a straightforward, accessible resource that outlines attachment issue, just so I can have a bit of an intro and understand the basics and how it may relate to me?