Sexual Assault Is It Rape?

[youngandconfused]

On a friend's 21st, we celebrated out downtown with a large group of friends. One of them was living downtown at this time. We all got very drunk because of free shots. Eventually, at the last bar I was getting a drink and one of the guy friends was drinking most of it so I told him he had to buy me another drink. He was all over me while I was talking to another friend. At this point, I was very drunk. Somehow, with no memory of this, he got me to go back to his apartment with him.

I barely remember the walk there or getting inside of his place. I do remember puking all over myself, then he got the trashcan. Everything after that is black. The next thing I remember is the feeling of someone touching my vagina and I told him to stop. I then woke up completely naked and so was he. We were friends.. I made a joke, how did you get me naked? He said, how did you get me naked? I have no idea. Still somewhat drunk, he started to kiss me. Then he tried to have sex with me without asking. I said no, I can't do this. He just responded with, well why not? I suck with pressure and eventually allowed him. But during it, I looked on the ground and saw a used condom. I don't remember having sex with him that night. I was puking all over myself.. Did he take advantage of me or am I just being ridiculous? It's been two nights ago since this happened and my vagina is still sore.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Did he take advantage of me or am I just being ridiculous?

I dont know, how well do you know him? Could you have been so drunk that you blacked out or could he have slipped a ruffie in your drink?

Date rape isnt uncommon. I suppose it depends on if he slipped a ruffie and either way, if you remember saying no first before the black out then my first instinct is to say either date rape or an asshole taking advantage of a very drunk girl!

Im sorry that happened hun! :hug:

 

[Suzetig]

I would say if you were too drunk to give consent, you were raped.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I agree with @Suzetig

 

[scout86]

Was he drunk too?

 

[EveHarrington]

But if he was too drunk too then it goes both ways and he couldn't consent either so that's why I think one needs to look beyond the issue of being inebriated.

 

[Suzetig]

I'm guessing he wasn't touching her vagina without realising it, or having been forced into it?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im thinking, since she blacked out and obviously he didnt and she did say no before she blacked out...just something about this screams possible date rape to me.

I dont know if a ruffy was involved, as he was with her drink, or if she was just black out drunk but a guy that can have sex isnt as drunk and certianly not blacked out; she seemed either drugged or drunker and a sore vagina 2 days later, that seems very suspect to me!

No one but him knows what really happened but if I heard no, Id stop and if i were a guy id be even more sensitive to that and i would hope that a guy i was friends with wouldnt even try if i were that drunk because if anything, its taking advantage of a VERY drunk girl.

I dont know, just something about this seems so suspect to me, but thats just me.

 

[starbar]

On a friend's 21st, we celebrated out downtown with a large group of friends. One of them was living downtown...

yes, that is rape. It does not matter how well you know him. You were drunk, you blacked out, you even said "no". Self blame is typical after rape. It is painful to accept the feelings of violation and vulnerability of having been raped. Especially if it was a friend who raped you. I am sorry you had to experience that.

 

[Sideways]

Absolutely that is rape. Sexual intercourse without your consent is rape. How drunk you were, how well you knew him, how much you made out at the bar beforehand, even if you were behaving like the biggest pr!ck tease on the planet: sex after you said "no" is rape, and sex while you were blacked out is rape.

The questions about what he was thinking, how well he knew you, if he was drunk, etc etc only become relevant if you decide to have him charged. And in that case, those issues are (in Aust'n jurisdictions) usually only relevant in determining his culpability (ie is he a just monster, or is he Satan reincarnate).

The social and legal constructs of "rape" are 2 different things, and need to be treated as such. Upwards of 70% of rape cases are never reported, and of those that are, less than 10% make it to trial (Australian stats). This is because the law is centuries behind where the community stands on rape. The community standard is plain and simple: rape is sexual penetration without consent. Period.

So were you raped? Yes, and I can't express just how furious that makes me on your behalf - do not let this monster destroy your life, you did not deserve that, no matter how drunk you were.

Should you have him charged? That's your choice, but yes, in that case both your behaviour/clothes/sexual habits, as well as his, will come under scrutiny. But only because the law is an ass in this area, not because it wasn't rape.

 

[Sideways]

Grrrr!

You have, at all times, complete autonomy over your body. No matter what, you are always ALWAYS entitled to say No. It doesn't matter if he's your husband, if you're high on drugs that you bought from him, if you're already in the bedroom half-undressed and making out - you are ALWAYS entitled to say No, and have that respected.

It doesn't always play out like that in reality. Like you, I've got first-hand experience that sometimes saying No achieves SFA, and sometimes makes it worse.

But none of that changes the fact that no one EVER has the right to have sex with you without your consent. If you say No, and he ignores that, it's rape. He is NOT entitled, not EVER, to have sex with you if you don't consent. Not ever.

Soooo angry at this @rsehole...need to go for a run:mad:

Take care of yourself. Go to the doctor for a checkup when you're ready. Find a therapist if/when you need to talk about it. Know that you have complete autonomy over your body at all times, and you are entitled to have that respected, no matter what.

 

[mary1979]

Its rape.

You didn't want him to do that did you? He's a friend, someone you thought would take care of you in this vulnerable position?

At the very least, you need to speak up to him. Tell him he stepped way over your personal line and that you didn't ever want to have sex with him


At the most, you could make a very strong statement to police.

Its a tough one when so many women DO go out and get drunk with the specific intention of picking up a random and having sex (I've been one of those so it does cause me to sit on the wrong end of this issue at times)
But you very clearly said no.
Your mate should have just taken care of you, put you to bed, and professed his undying hard on in the morning.