Self-injuring Again

[Stickler]

...I am afraid I recently lost it over the ex-fiancée's behavior and beat myself.

I know it is a combination of 3 things: self-punishment, self-soothing, numbing.

I feel the need to hurt myself as when someone else is going off on me, I feel I must have done something wrong? When more clear-headed I realize I'm not to blame, but in that moment...

Besides that, I think " If only I were better at this, I could find a way to defuse this!" but that's not really true.
For whatever reason, seeing the bruises makes me feel a lot better, a lot calmer...the way scabs did when I was cutting...
I feel like I control the process of hurting me when I hit myself?
It's a resumption of control, in a very negative way.

As I said, it shuts emotion off.

I cut a lot when I was with my ex-wife. She shouted a lot.

 

[void]

...I am afraid I recently lost it over the ex-fiancée's behavior and beat myself.

I know it is a comb...

I understand.

You have some insight...far more than most.

If we try to relax/be calm we re-experience the terror of the original trauma because it occurred when we were relaxed/calm.
As a result, we never re-enter the calm state because if we do we are met with the terror again.
Almost none of us realize this...it is subtle......but powerfully true.

You are forcing yourself to the numb/dissoc. state because you feel some control over sending yourself there.
It sure beats powerlessness.

There is a way forward which can free you from what you are suffering.

He will explain:

May @Stickler be free from inner and outer harm.

:hug:

 

[Stickler]

Hmm...I can't meditate these days.
I open up to feelings of devastation.

 

[Stickler]

I am still choosing to beat myself...I feel I deserve it.

 

[mary1979]

Beat yourself?

That doesn't sound good at all :(

I'm not familiar with self harm in the literal sense so I cant offer you any advice.
But I am thinking of you and wishing there was something I can say to help.

If you need to talk, ill listen.

 

[void]

Hmm...I can't meditate these days.
I open up to feelings of devastation.

Precisely!
that's because the meditation causes a shift toward relaxation/calm state and that is where the devastation/terror/pain is stored!

This can be solved...acc. to my T. and the other T's that do this work.

The belief that you 'deserve' the beatings is the internalization of the abuser's viewpoint..........aka identification with the aggressor.

I feel strong compassion toward you.:hug:
I live what you describe.:(

 

[Stickler]

Well...one of my alters believes that I MUST be hurt or bad things will happen? Another thinks that I/we carry evil and anyone I get close to gets contaminated with it...that's why they are forced to hurt me?
So my ex-guy was forced to hurt us because my evil made him do it. One part of me knows that that's not right, but the other parts of me believe it.
Me...I just don't care.
I wish to be numb and stop feeling, and hitting myself does that for a little while, then I have to do it some more.
I wanted to get better...I wanted to survive because he needed me to survive.
Now he just rages at me and obviously doesn't need me any more, because all he wants to do is hurt me and try to blame me for his suicide attempts.

I still have this stupid desire to live but I don't have a reason any more.
I just sit here.
I hate myself.

 

[The Albatross]

Stickler, to exist in an abusive relationship, all sorts of constructs occur to try to "make sense" of why something is happening... Both of the constructs you bring up by your alters, that you must be hurt or bad things will happen or that you/we carry evil and you contaminate close relational people with it which "forces"/causes them to hurt you... are a false construct.

Void's video is a solid one... hope you can move that marble.

I don't have a lot of experience with self injury... it was a very very long time ago. I just hope you will come through this cycle and that you will continue to discuss what you are thinking. I hope that others can come forward to help you through this.

 

[The Albatross]

Void, thanks for posting that vid. Is it in media?

 

[Stickler]

I woke up today and realized I was wallowing, which is ok if I don't bother anyone with it.
But of course I do bother people with it, so I need to cut that crap out.
I have to get better because people do care about me, and I'm being a pain in the ass.

 

[ladee]

You are NOT being a pain in the ass... You are Stickler asking to be understood and loved anyway. And you are.... Most times we have to hit bottom to regroup... It's ok, we are here for you !!! Sending you warm and healing energy.

 

[void]

Void, thanks for posting that vid. Is it in media?

Your welcome.:hug:

No it is only in this thread.

I've never tried posting in the Media section(i'm a technophobe:oops::oops::unsure::unsure::unsure::sorry:)

Feel free to put that video there if you'd like.:happy: