I'm "too Hard"

[anthony]

Ah... thanks. Sorry, I seriously was just a bit confused. I believe I get it now: your dad sexually abused you as a child, but your subsequent abuser groomed you into a cult style belief system about serving him?

 

[Sideways]

So my doctor has agreed to keep me on as her patient for now on the condition that (1) I stay in hospital a while longer & (2) absolutely no more self-harm. She went on to say that she has to keep in mind that if she thinks she can't help me, she has a duty of care not to continue on as my doctor.

Not overwhelmingly optimistic, but at least the crisis is averted for now. My T is back & visiting on Monday.

 

[Sideways]

@anthony - yup. And he threw in just about every brainwashing technique he could. Just for kicks.

 

[anthony]

Have you ever looked at ACT? Dead Link Removed

Based on what you're telling me, I think a little self education on ACT followed by a whole lot of exposure exercises, may help your specific situation.

 

[Sideways]

I've only briefly covered ACT in group therapy classes, so will definitely spend some more time on that.

When you refer to 'exposure', do you mean revisiting the trauma?

 

[anthony]

No, your trauma is your trauma, and that can be dealt with a myriad of ways.

At the same time, I've developed agoraphobia which is pretty debilitating, and despite my best efforts, I'm still averaging about 20% of the year as an inpatient... ...My self-harm, when it happens, is now really bad, and the suicide brain is as healthy as ever (if not more so). I'm actually getting more stubborn about my beliefs about myself and the kind of person I am, and how helpful my abuser was, instead of less so.

All of this, ACT will stick and apply to. Exposure is everything. Exposure is used for trauma, it is used for agoraphobia, it is used for suicidal ideation, self harm, stubborn beliefs and the list goes on.

Exposure is the act of doing, reinforcing something to counter the negative belief. Just like your beliefs got in your head, through repetition and exposure, is the same way you actually change them. You don't remove them, you change them. When your negative belief forms, you basically build yourself an evidenced alternative that is more self serving for you than harmful.

 

[The Albatross]

I have to concur with Anthony on ACT... some concepts and exercises are very easy to employ and understand. I did get some traction from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy techniques.

 

[Powder]

I agree about exposure as a coping training technique. But I want to mention that for me with torture and multiple CSA, I had to address the locked up and unprocessed Anger.

One of my past T's rightly surmised that "until you get through this anger, you WON'T feel better."

She was not saying it was wrong to feel it. Instead, she said it was "Understandable." Even to an adult.

But you have to get inside the mind of the <4 year old. Terrible two's be damned. All kids under age 40 react to most things that affront them personally with anger, weather they Vent it or not is another issue.

For self-harm, you have turned the anger that rightly belongs to the creeps onto yourself. It needs to be reprocessed and dealt with in a way particular to your emotional fingerprint.

It takes time and effort, and I am here for you anytime you want to talk or vent that anger. I will be angry with you.

Muse

 

[Sideways]

@Muse - made me laugh! I used to think that I wasn't an angry person. Sooo wrong - I'm the bomb when it comes to being angry at mysel!

My doc is frustrated that she doesn't seem to be allowed to say anything complimentary or positive about me without it making me angry. So we're starting with the basics. Current homework is reminding myself each day "I'm kind to my guinnea pig, and that's a good quality to have".

Currently, when that plays out in my head, it's immediately followed with: "Of course I'm kind to my guinnea pig. That's the least I can do. But it counts for nothing. NOTHING. Completely irrelevant. No amount of guinnea pig kindness makes up for the person I am. How dare I start thinking that's a good thing about myself. etc etc":mad:

I'm very diligent when it comes to doing homework...I just don't seem to be any good at it!!

 

[ladee]

Then have you tried telling the follow up voice to shut the hell up, that guinea pig care IS and will continue to be very important in your world... just tell the damned voice to SHUT UP... it has no power, talk back to it... you are in control of you Ragdoll.... just tell it to shut up !!!

 

[Sideways]

@ladee - you're so awesome!
I just had this image of myself running through the homework dialogue then instantly putting my fingers in my ears and doing the whole "lalala, not listening self-loathing brain"!!

 

[joeylittle]

Currently, when that plays out in my head, it's immediately followed with: "Of course I'm kind to my guinnea pig. That's the least I can do. But it counts for nothing.

When I first started therapy, the only good thing that I thought was true about me was that I was good with animals. That was the only, only thing. I wanted to share that.

As soon as the follow up voice starts, you need to do something else instead. Don't even try and confront it. Hit the mental 'la-la-la' right away. Put all your focus on breath, or pick up a puzzle, or change tasks, anything. But don't allow the thought to complete. It's such a small and obvious thing, but it's a discipline, and it requires practice.

(1) I stay in hospital a while longer & (2) absolutely no more self-harm. She went on to say that she has to keep in mind that if she thinks she can't help me, she has a duty of care not to continue on as my doctor.

Not overwhelmingly optimistic, but at least the crisis is averted for now

Honestly - I disagree. I think it's fantastic. You have a stronger motivator for stopping self-harm now. Her reason is sound, and it's not that she doesn't know how to help you or thinks you are too hard - she is aware that, for whatever reason, something isn't working. She was able to be clear about what needed to change. Honestly, I think it's great. And you can do this. I know it isn't easy, but you can do it.