Mr. Smith,
I am not a supporter but a suffer. My significant other and I have been together for almost seven years. During these seven years, four have been with me being down. When I say down I mean the whole gambit. I was angry, ranting, crying nonstop, blaming others, blaming myself. Then came the medications. I became flat. A zombie. Had no interest in anything. Like a store mannequin. He dragged me around everywhere and I hated every minute of it. I didn't go out during the day. If forced, I'd pick a fight and kick him out. Several times, I've even thrown his things out the front door into the front yard.
He is still with me. First, I'd like to say I don't do any of those things anymore. If I am upset, I am able to calmly explain why I am upset. Most likely it is a misunderstanding. Sometimes on his part, sometimes on mine. This happens often. But it is done heart to heart. No anger just kind explanations through understanding of our feelings.
We started by knowing each other as friends for 10 years before we started dating. It was a difficult relationship. He has been the responsible one in his family. His family is co-dependent. They also have mental illnesses, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, narcissism, manic depression. He never said. He introduced me as if they were the Walton's. Wholesome family...NOT. From the very beginning I was verbally abused by both his brother and mother. His brother became violent at times. Significant other acted like it was nothing. I stayed quiet...shocked...angry. The violence and verbal abuse (sometimes sexual verbal abuse) escalated...it became so bad my significant other would drive the hour to my house and stay with me for 3-4 nights a week. During this time my SO would ask me quite frequently "why don't you like my house?" "What is wrong with my house you hate it so much?" "You are a snob sorry I didn't know that before." I would go there as often as I could...almost literally once a week...even that was too hard to bear. Walking into his home which reeked of urine from two dogs that had never been cleaned so the wood floors had soaked it up. The filthy dirty floors, carpets, bathrooms, filthy smelly laundry all of it really made me sick and wonder how my SO didn't notice. We would often go to his home Friday nights after work and start cleaning his house, go to the grocery store, cook dinner and collapse around midnight. This occurred every Friday. Neither his brother nor mother worked. They sat around the house all day making a mess. When we would get there exhausted from a stressful day of work they would immediately whine saying they were hungry. It was sickening. What was more sickening was my SO didn't even notice this. Saturday morning I would hear them tell me what they wanted for breakfast. Like children. I realized by SO wanted me to be mother to his brother (not even a year younger than him), and to his own mother too. During this time, I fell sick. Really really sick. I was in a toxic work environment, I also had a long history of childhood abused caused by my parents but I had never felt any ptsd symptoms. I was successful and enjoyed my job where I earned a great salary. My SO saw me as someone who could help bail him out. He was really behind on property taxes. He couldn't make his mortgage. I had no idea. He mentioned it to me several times but never really addressed the issue. More like mumbling. Meanwhile, I still had my own home to manage with two kids and I was a single mom. It was tiring to bring my kids to his house and we were constantly trekking up there. It would have been easier for SO to just come down to visit me. But he kept saying the same things "don't know why you hate my family," "don't know why you hate my house." Now I know why I never told him. I hate saying things I can't pull back. What if I say something so horrible he not only will stop dating me but he will hate me. I didn't want that and it seemed the only response I can give him. I am simply to honest.
This went on during my breakdown and while I was drugged with so many SSRI's and Benzo's I couldn't even think straight anymore. I was off work. Hardly could maintain my home. Eventually he lost his home. His brother moved in with their father, mother in an assisted living community by the government. Also during this time, my SO moved in with me. I didn't ask him to. I didn't ask him to leave his family. I couldn't. I had enough on my hands with my children and trying to figure out a way to make ends meet while on disability, doing outpatient CBT and DBT courses. This went on for two years.
I finally have gotten the treatment I need. I am finally able to face what I am suffering from and I am getting better. This all now is dawning on me. I have finally found out what my SO's family's mental issues are (even he didn't know until about a week ago even though he had supported them his whole life). I now remember him calling me lazy, worthless every name in the book. I am angry. He has things to make right with me. He thought since I got sick I would stay sick forever like his mother and brother. He couldn't stand it. He had relied on me to be the strong one. Hadn't I lived through the worst childhood and was able to work and raise my children? I'm human. I break if too much is on my plate. He put too much on my plate and I let him. Now he is making amends. He is coming clean. This is really really difficult for both him and me. We are still together. I am not co-dependent on him. I am working, making a living again. We are closer now because we have a better understanding of each other. We are friends first and foremost. This is important. Sorry if this is too long. Hard to put this in a short abstract. Any questions? I am happy to answer.
