I'm "too Hard"

[lostforgottensoul]

thoughts are gonna fight it is an understatement!! Head is going to completely panic!

Isnt that the f*cking truth! Its like the worst f*cking battle in my head that ive ever experienced!

It really does suck apples that you understand, but it's still a relief to me to be able to watch you make progress because it's like confirmation that it's possible for me too.

I feel the same way. It sucks to hear of someone that had grown up the way we did but it has its own "special frustrating challenges" and its nice to have someone else that "gets it" you know? Not many understand the constant repeated thoughts and the fight/battle in your head when you dare to challenge just one of them...you know?

There is hope for us both and for all cult survivors! We can get on the other side of this and be ok! :hug:

Frustrated much! Anyway, we keep plugging away at it, even in the middle of a storm

True that! Heres more :hug:s from me to make you feel better!

Is discharge bad or good? I know being discharged is what you wanted when i came back on the site after my week away and we first met but it sounds like if you are discharged then you wont have your therapist or do i have that backwards? Sorry for the confusion.

 

[ladee]

I need to ask this @Ragdoll Circus... and don't answer if you don't want to.. are you going to put Anthony's suggestions in play when you get home... and will you please let us know if you are going to self harm by getting in touch with that man? You made it thru.... that is a very very important thing... and if you have to go to the hospital when that happens... then go !!! Please don't put yourself in harms way. We are here for you. I am here for you. Sending you love and hugs.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@ladee im gonna put Anthony's suggestions into play...or try to. They werent specifically for me but I think they would help me! ;)

ETA: I probably wont get the ACT book yet as I already have 3 that i havent finished and i dont wanna keep piling up books but its on my amazon wishlist for when i finish at least 1 of the 3 and im gonna discuss it with my therapist on Thurs!

Sorry, you werent asking me. I tend to put input when not asked...

 

[Sideways]

@ladee
I have to take my own advice and pull out all the supports I can to NOT go back to self-harming like that. I need to try (try) and remember that even though I feel convinced that this is something I HAVE to do, I simply can't rely on my own mind with what's right and wrong on that front anymore...at least, that's the plan.

I've had a few very unhelpful (read: extremely upsetting) emails from my T over the last week. He's told me several times now that if I don't watch what I say, I'm going to end up with no doctor and ergo, no him. He's also told me that I need to "be more aware of how things effect people" in relation to what me and my doc have talked about (when I really was just trying to be honest with my doc in the least dramatic way possible..:but the stuff I have to talk about is all pretty awful to hear, and my view used to be that being honest with my doc is fairly critical- certainly less important than me worrying if she can cole with it...??).

Last night I got a text message from him, obviously after my doc had spoken to me. Sounds like maybe she called him in a blind panic again.

Safe to say my T was REALLY angry at me. He reiterated how close I am to not having a therapy team at all (that feels unhelpful- am I being unreasonable??). Then he went on to expressly accuse me of trying to undermine him.

I was confused, so that's what I replied with. All he would say to elaborate was my behaviour was Borderline Personality Disorder behviour, that I was "splitting" (where's my book on BPD when I need it?) and, literally, to "pull my head in", stop talking and get myself discharged because I need to get out of hospital.

I see my relationship with my T as paramount, like I won't cope without him, so that's pretty distressing. What I'm starting to wonder is, maybe this team isn't working...maybe my T is not helpful to me anymore.

Do I need to start again from scratch?

Or is this just a bad patch that we can ride through?

I don't think I can handle too many more emails like that from my T.
Or maybe I'm the one being unreasonable??

 

[ladee]

I'm sorry sweetie, this would have me upset too.... if you can't take the raw and real to your T, well, what is the point... not knowing what the T's agenda is... but I wouldn't be ok with being threatened...and if the Dr can't handle it, it's on HER and she needs to be honest with you... because to me... trying to get you to withhold is not good.. how is that helping you??? And who cares how what you say affects your Dr... again, that is on HER....
You really don't need this crap dumped on you right now, when you are going into one of the most important life changes you have ever attempted....
I don't know how to encourage you in the area of your 'team'.... but if you have to get another T, then look at it like the last one served his purpose and now you get someone who will take you further on your healing journey....Because in the end... that is all that matters.. of course not saying your feelings about it doesn't matter, they do.. but feelings change. The opportunity is here for you to go that next step... a very courageous and important step...
Am so relieved to hear you have a plan in place for when you get home... and why is T so adamant about getting you out of the hospital??? you are a very straightforward woman @Ragdoll Circus.... see if he will come and talk to you in person, instead of you hanging on a limb , waiting for it to break....
I am as confused as you are about why he would not want you to talk to the Dr... undermining him??? Bless your heart for all the damned confusion....
Please keep us updated... I know you can do this.. I KNOW you can... others know you can.... so please find out why you are being made to feel like the bad guy here.... sending love, hugs, angels and healing energy.

 

[Sideways]

@ladee - there you've gone and done it again and made me cry!

I need to sort this out. Thank you for the tonne of validation you just gave me. All's not well in the state of Denmark as they say. The communication lines are obviously down and I need to fix that up because yeah, this in-fighting really is stuff I don't need.

Thank you:)

 

[ladee]

Hope the tears are from knowing how much I care... would not want to upset you !!! But no telling how many healing tears you need to shed... I am very proud of you Ragdoll... very.... hope those two start to act like adults so as not to keep adding to the pressure.... do I need to go there and kick some ass??? Because I can....With words.. I can do that with words.. spoken quietly... love ya, and let us know the rest of this T vs. Dr. crap !!!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He's also told me that I need to "be more aware of how things effect people" in relation to what me and my doc have talked about (when I really was just trying to be honest with my doc in the least dramatic way possible..:but the stuff I have to talk about is all pretty awful to hear

WHAT THE FLYING f*ckING HELL IS THAT f*ckING SHIT????????? MY THERAPIST WOULD NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER SAY THAT TO ME AND MY SHIT IS AWFUL STUFF TO HEAR TO.

What the f*ck is up with therapists in Austraila? Is it just that hospital or what? What the f*cking hell????

:hug:s X a millon!!!!!

 

[scout86]

Or maybe I'm the one being unreasonable??

Maybe you are?

I really don't know. I don't know any of the people involved and only know what I've read here of your point of view. I've had a couple times (maybe more than a couple) when I thought my T was nuts, then considered that it might be worth playing along, on the off chance that I'M the one who's nuts. (He objects to that use of that word, BTW.)

I like the sounds of your T. The doc, not so much. But, if I understand the system correctly, you need HER for prescriptions, and because the system you're dealing with requires that you have a doc on your team, and that's about it, right?

There was a time when it looked like I might have to either change T's or quit. At that point, my T went out of his way to mention that I "might want to be careful what I said to other people in his line of work". We talked about what he meant. All people in his line of work are not created equal (obviously). He doesn't think I need medication and doesn't think I'd "do well in captivity" but he thinks that others would disagree and wanted to be sure I was aware of that. Fortunately, it worked out that I could keep working with him and the other stuff is a non-issue.

But, I wonder if that's not sort of what your T is trying to say? The BPD part, I don't know, but you might consider that he may know what he's talking about and try to sort out what he meant by that. As far as the doc goes, it sounds to me like what your T meant is "We're stuck with her, please try not to totally freak her out." Sometimes a statement of fact and a threat sound very much the same. From what you've said, he doesn't have infinite ability to control the bureaucratic part of this situation. He was reminding you of a fact. Kind of a threatening fact, but a fact. If I were you, I think I'd suck it up and tell her what ever works for awhile. It might be interesting to see where that takes you.

Good luck!

 

[anonymous]

Gosh. How dreadful. This all seems extremely strange to me. What he is saying in response to what you have been discussing here doesn't match. Do you think your dr could be totally misunderstanding your interaction in some way and is therefore reporting a distorted perspective of it to him? No wonder you are confused! Something is off and isn't gelling.

Lets take the BDP stuff. If you were splitting you would either be idolising or demonising one or the other of them. How on earth could discussing your trauma be construed as that? If you come across in real life like you do here then its even more puzzling as although you are extremely distressed about the possibility of her pulling out you haven't demonised her once and have been very reasoned in your evaluation of this. Is this some distorted perspective on your self harm acts? I can't see how that could be seen as splitting.

Something isn't right and it may be that something between them is part of the problem. Him actually feeling undermined by her. The issues sound like they are theirs. Especially if the way you respond to them is well represented by the way you have approached this here. Sadly you may need to be the grownup and see if you can clear things up. Maybe a letter to both copying both in? As impossible as it seems there are other professionals out there and sometimes things happen for a reason. Just try to take one step at a time.

 

[anonymous]

It occurred to me as well that its most likely he didn't mean you should have to keep quiet, but rather that you need to keep her on board for the moment and do what is required to make that happen. He may be very motivated by wanting to help you and feel that is slowly becoming beyond his control - if he is forced to stop seeing you as a result of the pdoc situation. Had he already advised you to not say too much to her and rather keep it for him?

 

[ladee]

If I had to be the 'grown up' with my T and my Dr.... I would simply walk out the door... If I was a healthy , straight thinking person, I wouldn't need either of them.... what your T might need to do is get clear here... but either way, it is not your responsibility to get these two to play nice together...try first things first. By talking with your T. he should be very transparent about what is going on... and then you get to make decisions accordingly.