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How?
- Post starter Snowflake
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Deleted member 28403
It seems a lot like what I feel when the child alter is active? Maybe go from that though? :hug:
- Post starter
- #5
sun seeker
Diamond Member
By trying the opposite for as long as it takes.
You have needs that weren't met, and I am guessing that is the understatement of the century. You will need to honour that child in you, listen to what she is needing and do whatever is possible to get it for her. That likely seems impossible because you don't have your therapist or another caring adult around 24/7. So that is where teaching that child about healthy boundaries comes in. She can have that for certain amounts of time. Gradually, you will learn how to fill some of those needs yourself. You will keep her safe.
It takes time. But shutting it down is the worst way to go. The only way to move through whatever is going on is, well, moving through it, not avoiding it (as long as it doesn't hurt you or anyone else, of course).
You have needs that weren't met, and I am guessing that is the understatement of the century. You will need to honour that child in you, listen to what she is needing and do whatever is possible to get it for her. That likely seems impossible because you don't have your therapist or another caring adult around 24/7. So that is where teaching that child about healthy boundaries comes in. She can have that for certain amounts of time. Gradually, you will learn how to fill some of those needs yourself. You will keep her safe.
It takes time. But shutting it down is the worst way to go. The only way to move through whatever is going on is, well, moving through it, not avoiding it (as long as it doesn't hurt you or anyone else, of course).
- Post starter
- #7
sun seeker
Diamond Member
On the other hand, you do have two sessions a week. Therapists who do those things aren't necessarily seeing people that often. Mine, for instance, encourages me to call if I am in crisis, and he is really there for me to work things through by phone if necessary. BUT it can take him some time to get back to me. Sometimes days. When he calls, or when he picks up the phone, it is because he truly has the time and is in the space where he has something to give. He has boundaries and knows how to take care of himself, so I don't have to worry that I am crossing his boundaries because he can be responsible for that. He never acts like I am taking too much of his time, because he is in charge of how much time he wants to give.
It sounds like your therapist is stating boundaries, which is actually a good thing, because if she didn't she would be making you guess at them and that rarely ends well.
HOWEVER. That doesn't mean you have to like what those boundaries are. Seems to me there are a few things you could do here. One is work on this in your sessions. Tell her how much the hurt, lonely child in you needs more support, is scared, is angry. Talk about it, work on it. Therapy is the place to do that.
Another is to broaden your support system so you have other people besides your therapist to give you what you are needing. I know we talked about this in another thread, and it isn't an easy thing for you to do right now. In the long run though, we all need support from more than one person, and when we are healing from childhood trauma, we need a LOT of support. It doesn't make us bad people, it's just the nature of the thing.
Another is to learn more self care skills so you can give yourself more of what you need.
Another would be to look for another therapist. I don't know the nature of your trauma, but from the kinds of things you are working with I am guessing at least some of it is very early. That kind of trauma is best worked on with a therapist who doesn't just talk, but also works with the body. Is there someone in your area who does somatic experiencing? You might find that a much better fit. You also need someone who works specifically with attachment trauma, because to me, that is what you are describing. Can you see if any of that is available?
It sounds like your therapist is stating boundaries, which is actually a good thing, because if she didn't she would be making you guess at them and that rarely ends well.
HOWEVER. That doesn't mean you have to like what those boundaries are. Seems to me there are a few things you could do here. One is work on this in your sessions. Tell her how much the hurt, lonely child in you needs more support, is scared, is angry. Talk about it, work on it. Therapy is the place to do that.
Another is to broaden your support system so you have other people besides your therapist to give you what you are needing. I know we talked about this in another thread, and it isn't an easy thing for you to do right now. In the long run though, we all need support from more than one person, and when we are healing from childhood trauma, we need a LOT of support. It doesn't make us bad people, it's just the nature of the thing.
Another is to learn more self care skills so you can give yourself more of what you need.
Another would be to look for another therapist. I don't know the nature of your trauma, but from the kinds of things you are working with I am guessing at least some of it is very early. That kind of trauma is best worked on with a therapist who doesn't just talk, but also works with the body. Is there someone in your area who does somatic experiencing? You might find that a much better fit. You also need someone who works specifically with attachment trauma, because to me, that is what you are describing. Can you see if any of that is available?
- Post starter
- #9
I will try-my therapist is a psychologist that specializes in trauma -she is smart and excellent at what she does. I (and she) knows I need more support and I know she can't give anymore support-I am just struggling on finding help. I am lazy and untrustworthy -taking a chance is difficult. Getting through each day is hard without something/someone who knows about ME.
Friday
Sponsor
I think @sunseeker nailed it up above.
If these are your two biggest hang ups to getting more help... What can you do here to change that?
If these are your two biggest hang ups to getting more help... What can you do here to change that?
sun seeker
Diamond Member
This may or may not be comforting, but... just about every survivor of child abuse feels this way. At least you have lots of company.
It really does get better as you work on it. The crucial thing is not to blame yourself for needing so much. It's normal. It just isn't possible for one person to fill all of that need, but through good therapy - and I stress the word "good" - it does get better.
- Post starter
- #12
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