- Post starter
- #889
This is a wonderful thing. I am so glad for you. What a weight to be relieved of.
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Strange Star
- Post starter Hope4Now
- Start date
- Post starter
- #890
Yes of course. It has been a big opening (on occasion, when I can manage to find my center). I will write to you here and tag you, or in PM.
Now I am fighting to keep from spinning off as I dig through piles in an attempt to do my mother's taxes. It is not going well. I threw everything into bags, so now all the important papers are mixed up with old photos and sympathy letters and ancient things like notes to her from me when I was small. It is all making me dizzy. I am going to file for an extension for the return. I never did last year's because I landed in the ER and all that disaster. But I suppose now that she's dead, they can't put her in jail for tax evasion. LOL.
D
Deleted member 12723
They can try to get you to pay but I believe that you are not responsible for the taxes unless it is in a will. Good luck. The bag sounds so overwhelming.
- Post starter
- #892
Ha! Yes it is. Me and my bag-gage. Ewww.
- Post starter
- #894
So today I'm thinking maybe I will stick around on the board in a sort of limited way, and in my diary too. It feels so much less lonely to write in my diary and have people actually read some of it.
I have just come from my new psychiatrist. I am very lucky. My therapist recommended her--she is a friend of his. She is about as different from Mr. Famous Psychiatrist as they come. She acts like a real human being, and she actually seems to want to take the time to get to know me. And she has a very cool office (although I miss the very expensive comfortable chairs in Mr. Famous's office). It's all rather unsettling when my expectations of what she would be like have turned on their tails. She is deeply spiritual and not averse to talking about it.
I am all over the place with my parts today. I go from somewhat calm to wanting to do terrible things to myself. The trick for the second part is to just wait and notice without acting. Without getting so flooded by those parts that I actually DO something that is not consistent with the rest of my system which seems wired to survive for some reason or other. So, because I have a screaming headache from all the warring inside, I am going to take a rest before I have to go and pick up my daughter.
A strange star is also known as a quark star. Here's what the infamous wikipedia has to say about the creation of strange stars:
It is theorized that when the neutron-degenerate matter, which makes up neutron stars, is put under sufficient pressure from the star's own gravity or the initial supernova creating it, the individual neutrons break down into their constituent quarks (up quarks and down quarks), forming what is known as quark matter. This conversion might be confined to the neutron star's center or it might transform the entire star, depending on the physical circumstances. Such a star is known as a quark star.
A long while back, before I began this diary, I was writing a lot about black holes and strange stars as metaphors for my existence.
I don't know if my strange matter is guiding me or if it is something else. But I am still choosing to be alive, and in the midst of all the muck good things do happen to me--or, good PEOPLE I mean to say. And I am mostly surviving on the gratitude from that.
I have just come from my new psychiatrist. I am very lucky. My therapist recommended her--she is a friend of his. She is about as different from Mr. Famous Psychiatrist as they come. She acts like a real human being, and she actually seems to want to take the time to get to know me. And she has a very cool office (although I miss the very expensive comfortable chairs in Mr. Famous's office). It's all rather unsettling when my expectations of what she would be like have turned on their tails. She is deeply spiritual and not averse to talking about it.
I am all over the place with my parts today. I go from somewhat calm to wanting to do terrible things to myself. The trick for the second part is to just wait and notice without acting. Without getting so flooded by those parts that I actually DO something that is not consistent with the rest of my system which seems wired to survive for some reason or other. So, because I have a screaming headache from all the warring inside, I am going to take a rest before I have to go and pick up my daughter.
Hi there, my friend.
A strange star is also known as a quark star. Here's what the infamous wikipedia has to say about the creation of strange stars:
It is theorized that when the neutron-degenerate matter, which makes up neutron stars, is put under sufficient pressure from the star's own gravity or the initial supernova creating it, the individual neutrons break down into their constituent quarks (up quarks and down quarks), forming what is known as quark matter. This conversion might be confined to the neutron star's center or it might transform the entire star, depending on the physical circumstances. Such a star is known as a quark star.
A long while back, before I began this diary, I was writing a lot about black holes and strange stars as metaphors for my existence.
I don't know if my strange matter is guiding me or if it is something else. But I am still choosing to be alive, and in the midst of all the muck good things do happen to me--or, good PEOPLE I mean to say. And I am mostly surviving on the gratitude from that.
- Post starter
- #895
Tonight, I came quite close to walking out on my family. LOL always seems like I come quite close to a lot of things, but just don't have the balls to follow through. Seriously close, though. Enough that I realize I need to get my kit together so I can go when and if I need to and have the basics, at least. Even if I manage not to, it would help my RUN! part feel better.
I used to be able to do this easily. Until I got married, I could pack up my life into my little 2-door sports car (sans futon, but still). Not so anymore, either physically or emotionally. I hate that. Need to change that back.
But NO...in some boring responsible way, I chose to take the oft offered advice to WAIT before you act. I waited. I wrote some. I texted my lovely therapist. Then my daughter wanted to make smores. That just killed me. Had to do it. Had to be mom. Want to be mom. Want to be normal. Want to not live the way I am living. So I stayed. Made fire. Made smores. She kept asking, "Are you okay mom?" and I felt shitty.
Then my therapist called me. And I said I am having a hard time knowing if this is old stuff or whether I am just repeating my same mistake of NOT leaving because I feel so responsible. And then, in my responsible way, I refused said daughter a SECOND Hershey bar (she'd had 2 smores) and put out the fire ever-so-responsibly, and sent an interminably long text to said therapist apologizing for having texted him in the first place, and that I would most likely just be resigned as is my usual m.o. and now here I am. Still thinking of taking off, but more abstractly now. Still wondering if I am in some old parts that say STAY STAY or if this is what is the right thing and it is just old parts screaming RUN RUN.
I am disgustingly aware of my own confusion. Do I want to just make some dramatic action from some parts who are stuck in a past where running might have been the better option? Or am I doing what is right for me now, given that I have people who love me and a decent life? I truly have no f*cking clue.
Sometimes I wish I were not so blisteringly self-aware. Most times I wish this. But then, I wouldn't be where I am.
I don't know how the rest of the night will play out. I think I ought to just go to bed. There is definitely wisdom--at least for me-- in that annoying advice "Everything will be better in the morning." Often, it is true. And tomorrow I have my second watsu session, which was so amazingly healing the first time. Like a drug. I want more.
So I am telling my parts I can pack the car with escape gear and then just sleep and see what happens.
Of course, this is what I did for so many years as a kid. And as a teen. And STILL I didn't go.
Very interesting to me that my new psychiatrist mentioned Stockholm Syndrome. That felt wildly validating in weird ways. This is definitely one of my issues. Not that my current family are abusive in any sort of ways at all...which makes me think, as I write this, that I am definitely stuck in parts who are stuck in the past.
Sigh. I will go to bed. In my house where my family sleeps. I will get up and drive my daughter to school, and then drive an interminable distance to go to a watsu session which will make me feel better for a while. Until it all starts all over again and I want to kill myself or run.
This is an an old story, obviously. Need.to.unstick.from.it.
Maybe going to flakey healer lady who does soul-retrieval will help me find my purpose in this life. Because I am pretty sure that is what I need to sort out if I am to stay here...because running is just a cop out for suicide in my particular gameboard.
So, I WAIT before acting. Always. Which is why I am still here.
I used to be able to do this easily. Until I got married, I could pack up my life into my little 2-door sports car (sans futon, but still). Not so anymore, either physically or emotionally. I hate that. Need to change that back.
But NO...in some boring responsible way, I chose to take the oft offered advice to WAIT before you act. I waited. I wrote some. I texted my lovely therapist. Then my daughter wanted to make smores. That just killed me. Had to do it. Had to be mom. Want to be mom. Want to be normal. Want to not live the way I am living. So I stayed. Made fire. Made smores. She kept asking, "Are you okay mom?" and I felt shitty.
Then my therapist called me. And I said I am having a hard time knowing if this is old stuff or whether I am just repeating my same mistake of NOT leaving because I feel so responsible. And then, in my responsible way, I refused said daughter a SECOND Hershey bar (she'd had 2 smores) and put out the fire ever-so-responsibly, and sent an interminably long text to said therapist apologizing for having texted him in the first place, and that I would most likely just be resigned as is my usual m.o. and now here I am. Still thinking of taking off, but more abstractly now. Still wondering if I am in some old parts that say STAY STAY or if this is what is the right thing and it is just old parts screaming RUN RUN.
I am disgustingly aware of my own confusion. Do I want to just make some dramatic action from some parts who are stuck in a past where running might have been the better option? Or am I doing what is right for me now, given that I have people who love me and a decent life? I truly have no f*cking clue.
Sometimes I wish I were not so blisteringly self-aware. Most times I wish this. But then, I wouldn't be where I am.
I don't know how the rest of the night will play out. I think I ought to just go to bed. There is definitely wisdom--at least for me-- in that annoying advice "Everything will be better in the morning." Often, it is true. And tomorrow I have my second watsu session, which was so amazingly healing the first time. Like a drug. I want more.
So I am telling my parts I can pack the car with escape gear and then just sleep and see what happens.
Of course, this is what I did for so many years as a kid. And as a teen. And STILL I didn't go.
Very interesting to me that my new psychiatrist mentioned Stockholm Syndrome. That felt wildly validating in weird ways. This is definitely one of my issues. Not that my current family are abusive in any sort of ways at all...which makes me think, as I write this, that I am definitely stuck in parts who are stuck in the past.
Sigh. I will go to bed. In my house where my family sleeps. I will get up and drive my daughter to school, and then drive an interminable distance to go to a watsu session which will make me feel better for a while. Until it all starts all over again and I want to kill myself or run.
This is an an old story, obviously. Need.to.unstick.from.it.
Maybe going to flakey healer lady who does soul-retrieval will help me find my purpose in this life. Because I am pretty sure that is what I need to sort out if I am to stay here...because running is just a cop out for suicide in my particular gameboard.
So, I WAIT before acting. Always. Which is why I am still here.
KwanYingirl
Diamond Member
I'm a runner too . I have moved so many times and joking how all I own fits in my car. Futon included! It's a geographical cure and only lasts until the high wears off. And it always wears off because wherever I go, there I am with the same nervous system that is almost always on overwhelm.
Staying with your daughter is a lovely thought. She had a nice time having s'mores with you. It is so confusing to mother a daughter without the experiences of being mothered myself. Hang in there .so what's Watsu?
Staying with your daughter is a lovely thought. She had a nice time having s'mores with you. It is so confusing to mother a daughter without the experiences of being mothered myself. Hang in there .so what's Watsu?
- Post starter
- #897
WTF is it about the enneagram that every single day I get a little email from them--it's just a computer generated email with a little tidbit from the book that relates to my type. And every day I hate it because it is so spot on. Shit. This was today's:
Type Five EnneaThought for April 20th
It is fear that drives us deeper into restrictive, painful ego states and away from a direct experience of our True Nature. How does your Basic Fear of having no ability to know what's real and true affect you today? (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 32)
I am still in my home. I was definitely mixed up in parts last night. I still am, but it isn't as intense.
I returned to my Bear vision-experience that happened spontaneously in the shower a few weeks ago. It was actually one of the rare nice visions. Because bears have consistently shown up for me in my life in various ways, I read Ted Andrews writeup on Bear medicine. Okay then. Time for me to down that medicine. And...who knew...bears and ravens work together. In my inner cosmos, this makes so so so much sense.
My intention today is to actually start USING some of the knowledge and strategies I've collected over the past few years. Use them in some sort of consistent way. Everything that is happening in my life is kind of coming together into synchronicity in ways that continue to both stun and destablilize me. Probably why I ended up in the place I was last night and all throughout last week.
I must stop running and fighting on the inside, and get myself unfrozen on the outside. It is time for me to start phase 2 of trauma processing. I know this in my heart. Shit. But I am eating myself alive, and if it doesn't start getting processed I will become ill and die. I know this too. So the stakes are bloody high.
I guess I am back on the trauma diary. I need this outlet and the safe connection it offers.
Type Five EnneaThought for April 20th
It is fear that drives us deeper into restrictive, painful ego states and away from a direct experience of our True Nature. How does your Basic Fear of having no ability to know what's real and true affect you today? (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 32)
I am still in my home. I was definitely mixed up in parts last night. I still am, but it isn't as intense.
I returned to my Bear vision-experience that happened spontaneously in the shower a few weeks ago. It was actually one of the rare nice visions. Because bears have consistently shown up for me in my life in various ways, I read Ted Andrews writeup on Bear medicine. Okay then. Time for me to down that medicine. And...who knew...bears and ravens work together. In my inner cosmos, this makes so so so much sense.
My intention today is to actually start USING some of the knowledge and strategies I've collected over the past few years. Use them in some sort of consistent way. Everything that is happening in my life is kind of coming together into synchronicity in ways that continue to both stun and destablilize me. Probably why I ended up in the place I was last night and all throughout last week.
I must stop running and fighting on the inside, and get myself unfrozen on the outside. It is time for me to start phase 2 of trauma processing. I know this in my heart. Shit. But I am eating myself alive, and if it doesn't start getting processed I will become ill and die. I know this too. So the stakes are bloody high.
I guess I am back on the trauma diary. I need this outlet and the safe connection it offers.
- Post starter
- #898
You are so right, @KwanYingirl . I have even given this advice to other people. But I have a runner part who gives my wiser parts the middle finger and refuses to listen. Because I actually did run pretty successfully as a kid--I completely dissociated.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Watsu
My new drug of choice. Very expensive. Not easily accessible because it is person-dependent, and I was lucky enough to find a very gifted person. I suspect many practitioners are not like this man. They can't be. He is indescribable. It is the first time in my life I have ever felt completely inside my body, relaxed, and both comforted and protected by another human being. It is unbelievably healing. And yes, all thanks again to my therapist. He didn't recommend the person, but he did tell me about watsu.
So...off I go to get some more healing.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Watsu
My new drug of choice. Very expensive. Not easily accessible because it is person-dependent, and I was lucky enough to find a very gifted person. I suspect many practitioners are not like this man. They can't be. He is indescribable. It is the first time in my life I have ever felt completely inside my body, relaxed, and both comforted and protected by another human being. It is unbelievably healing. And yes, all thanks again to my therapist. He didn't recommend the person, but he did tell me about watsu.
So...off I go to get some more healing.
- Post starter
- #899
Went to watsu today instead of yesterday because he had an issue with his pool heater. I've now dubbed my watsu therapist "Magic Man." (It was so weird tonight...my daughter and I were watching the film The Book Thief, and the character Hans, played by Geoffrey Rush, looks so much like Magic Man that I had a hard time focusing on the film).
Watsu is some serious healing for me. I'm inside my body far more than usual. My body is getting the movement it needs, but also my young parts are getting the physical holding and touch they crave. They can't believe it. It is a weird integrating thing that is happening to me in these sessions...I'm sort of beginning to get what my therapist (Yoda) means when he says to "be with your parts." I seriously seem to need a literal physical connection in order to do this. But even then it is really chaotic. I had a little moment with Yoda last week when he actually touched my shoulder a couple of times, and bingo...I was able to tell him some things. I don't quite get the dynamics of this, but I know it's real.
I'm a little flipped out today because I got a message from my new psychiatrist (am calling her Wags) that she is talking to Yoda. And she wants to see me once a week for a while. And she keeps writing me these really, really nice texts. And I think this is all happening because I've been melting down in the past couple of weeks and actually talking to them about it (I have some suicidal parts and some runaway parts that seem to want their say). This scares me because when I talked about that last year, I ended up involuntarily committed to a hospital, and it was a profoundly traumatic experience. But I think both of them are pretty committed to helping that not happen again. And it is really nice to feel that they actually care about me and want to help. But it also freaks me out. Because parts of me have a very hard time accepting that I even need care. And hate that I want it. EWWW. It's all this attachment stuff rearing its ugly head again. My fiercely independent parts warring with my helpless parts. Blech.
I'm pretty sure I am melting down because I have all sorts of integration happening. My retreat in Arizona opened up a lot of walls, and I'm still processing that stuff. And I am writing the book which requires me to put into words that someone might read, the specifics of my memories and my experiences in the past few years. And the shamanic work I'm doing is very intense. Very healing--but also destabilizing too. I had an intense journey last night where I met up with a part of myself...well, actually what happened was even more complicated than that. Has sent me spinning out off and on all day, but I know it is important. I know it is some kind of integration happening. And it is quite anxiety provoking, but I'm managing to not overanalyze it (that's hard), and just sort of hang out and let things happen on their own.
But then when I do that, I get all in a meltdown or I just shut it all out. Neither is particularly helpful. Oh, sigh. Finally, at 2 AM, I am getting tired.
Watsu is some serious healing for me. I'm inside my body far more than usual. My body is getting the movement it needs, but also my young parts are getting the physical holding and touch they crave. They can't believe it. It is a weird integrating thing that is happening to me in these sessions...I'm sort of beginning to get what my therapist (Yoda) means when he says to "be with your parts." I seriously seem to need a literal physical connection in order to do this. But even then it is really chaotic. I had a little moment with Yoda last week when he actually touched my shoulder a couple of times, and bingo...I was able to tell him some things. I don't quite get the dynamics of this, but I know it's real.
I'm a little flipped out today because I got a message from my new psychiatrist (am calling her Wags) that she is talking to Yoda. And she wants to see me once a week for a while. And she keeps writing me these really, really nice texts. And I think this is all happening because I've been melting down in the past couple of weeks and actually talking to them about it (I have some suicidal parts and some runaway parts that seem to want their say). This scares me because when I talked about that last year, I ended up involuntarily committed to a hospital, and it was a profoundly traumatic experience. But I think both of them are pretty committed to helping that not happen again. And it is really nice to feel that they actually care about me and want to help. But it also freaks me out. Because parts of me have a very hard time accepting that I even need care. And hate that I want it. EWWW. It's all this attachment stuff rearing its ugly head again. My fiercely independent parts warring with my helpless parts. Blech.
I'm pretty sure I am melting down because I have all sorts of integration happening. My retreat in Arizona opened up a lot of walls, and I'm still processing that stuff. And I am writing the book which requires me to put into words that someone might read, the specifics of my memories and my experiences in the past few years. And the shamanic work I'm doing is very intense. Very healing--but also destabilizing too. I had an intense journey last night where I met up with a part of myself...well, actually what happened was even more complicated than that. Has sent me spinning out off and on all day, but I know it is important. I know it is some kind of integration happening. And it is quite anxiety provoking, but I'm managing to not overanalyze it (that's hard), and just sort of hang out and let things happen on their own.
But then when I do that, I get all in a meltdown or I just shut it all out. Neither is particularly helpful. Oh, sigh. Finally, at 2 AM, I am getting tired.
- Post starter
- #900
Wow. I guess I am back on the forum and in my diary full speed ahead. Something needs this I suppose.
So I saw Yoda today. Talked about a bunch of things. About how I know I need to talk about my past in words. And I do...it is not just the old psych model of talk therapy...I have parts that need to tell their story to a caring human being like him because maybe it will heal all those extra hurting wounds from the times I did actually try to talk about what was happening and I was abandoned or betrayed or punished by every single person from whom I sought help.
I also told him that I have gotten pretty good at talking/listening to/witnessing one part at a time when I can manage it. But the bigger issue that I have been unable, in spite of my very best efforts, to get my parts to see each other much less talk to one another. And this is essential. I know that. Because I have parts that are fragmented into their own parts. And it is a fractalized mess. I can see that.
So the only time I had any success at all in getting this group of three parts (who are actually one adult part) to even have a dim awareness of one another, had to do with horses. And I have been obsessing about horses for a year now. Have I done a damned thing about it? No. I talked about this today. He got on the phone with a friend of his who is a trauma therapist who does "equine assisted therapy." She is relatively local. She said I could call. I did. I am waiting to hear back.
So...I have to laugh at myself and my flailing quest for healing. First a weird aqua therapy called watsu with Magic Man. Next, walking around some horse ring and bonding with horses while a therapist witnesses so that my split off parts might sort out how they are whole, so that maybe then I can work with that one part to help myself become whole. What a crazy mazey mess I am. But seriously...hanging out with horses will be AWESOME! Except it doesn't include riding which sort of stinks because I love to ride. One of my best memories was riding this crazy huge "pony" (who knew ponies could be as big as horses?) bareback as he broke into a full gallop through fields and woods on this farm in England. Gorgeous sunny day in spring. And we scared the crap out of dozens of pheasants who took to flight as we whizzed by. I thought I was going to fall off and die, but I didn't. And it was exhilarating. Freaked out the instructor though. LOL. That's my part that is the risk-taker guy...so he won't be too thrilled with the equine therapy, but at least we'll be able to hang with the horses. Yay.
I am determined to integrate at least some of these parts who I KNOW go together but I can't figure out how to get there. But the gunky stuff encrusting them and keeping them separate is starting to come off just a little at a time. Yoda says this is called "unburdening." I call it "scraping off the crap."
So I saw Yoda today. Talked about a bunch of things. About how I know I need to talk about my past in words. And I do...it is not just the old psych model of talk therapy...I have parts that need to tell their story to a caring human being like him because maybe it will heal all those extra hurting wounds from the times I did actually try to talk about what was happening and I was abandoned or betrayed or punished by every single person from whom I sought help.
I also told him that I have gotten pretty good at talking/listening to/witnessing one part at a time when I can manage it. But the bigger issue that I have been unable, in spite of my very best efforts, to get my parts to see each other much less talk to one another. And this is essential. I know that. Because I have parts that are fragmented into their own parts. And it is a fractalized mess. I can see that.
So the only time I had any success at all in getting this group of three parts (who are actually one adult part) to even have a dim awareness of one another, had to do with horses. And I have been obsessing about horses for a year now. Have I done a damned thing about it? No. I talked about this today. He got on the phone with a friend of his who is a trauma therapist who does "equine assisted therapy." She is relatively local. She said I could call. I did. I am waiting to hear back.
So...I have to laugh at myself and my flailing quest for healing. First a weird aqua therapy called watsu with Magic Man. Next, walking around some horse ring and bonding with horses while a therapist witnesses so that my split off parts might sort out how they are whole, so that maybe then I can work with that one part to help myself become whole. What a crazy mazey mess I am. But seriously...hanging out with horses will be AWESOME! Except it doesn't include riding which sort of stinks because I love to ride. One of my best memories was riding this crazy huge "pony" (who knew ponies could be as big as horses?) bareback as he broke into a full gallop through fields and woods on this farm in England. Gorgeous sunny day in spring. And we scared the crap out of dozens of pheasants who took to flight as we whizzed by. I thought I was going to fall off and die, but I didn't. And it was exhilarating. Freaked out the instructor though. LOL. That's my part that is the risk-taker guy...so he won't be too thrilled with the equine therapy, but at least we'll be able to hang with the horses. Yay.
I am determined to integrate at least some of these parts who I KNOW go together but I can't figure out how to get there. But the gunky stuff encrusting them and keeping them separate is starting to come off just a little at a time. Yoda says this is called "unburdening." I call it "scraping off the crap."
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