Poll How Long Do Shut Outs Last?

[lostforgottensoul]

I do think people talk past each other at times about this... I am really glad for all the very thoughtful replies.

I do as well as its a learning experience for everyone I think, or it has been for me!

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Relationship is key to the question. Family, partner, friend, each has different history and dynamics, each all have thresholds and ways. Choices: can you sort it out even if messy, not nice but not really of significance here and now, breathing room; of significance but not a good time to untangle, reconnect, some each to their own time understood, processing time; be back soon have some things to sort out, mutual or not, accepted or not; respect. Respect necessary for all levels of separation.

 

[mary1979]

I been thinking about this since I saw it yesterday, you've asked a similar question to another thread I saw that seemed to get some really upset, and just perplex others, but in a manner thats much less confronting. Thanks :)

Only worry is broad terms mean answers will be long and all over the place, at least for me.

Friends and family, I isolate from almost totally.
If they need me, they know where to find me, but I rarely go to them.
When I'm not working I am a super recluse mostly because I tend to over invest in other people and that became too draining, probably umm a decade ago? Lol
My mum and sisters are the same so it works for us to see each other maybe once a month or so.
My best friend and I see each other twice a year and might talk on the phone a couple other times.
I have a few mates that drop in, hang around for an hour or so and realise im vagued out so they leave.
I suck at maintaining relationships.

My husband however, thats been different at different times in our relationship.
I've never left, but he has. We have lived in separate homes for 2 years now and its been hard.

Emotionally however, I shut him out' as you refer to it, pretty frequently.
I wasn't used to feelings n shit before him. Never cried and didn't express love for anyone except my kids.
He's bought out some emotion in me, and I will constantly retreat from that.
It can last anywhere from hours to weeks and always ends in a blaze of anger when I finally switch back on and let all the pent up thoughts, issues, whatever you want to call the garbage that spews from my pissed off mouth after withdrawal.

In our early days, before living together, id stop replying to his texts or taking his calls, sometimes for hours, others for a day or two if I felt he was getting too close.

In the last few months we've been working hard on fixing this so im trying to not shut him out anymore, this has varying degrees of success.
Last weekend I still managed to isolate myself from him for about 48 hours, while in the same room and for no apparent reason.

I really don't like people or company all that much I've just realised writing this.
Maybe this isn't ptsd and im just an asshole aha

 

[Justmehere]

@mary1979 - I think you described what can happen when sufferers run from feelings and then stop - the emotions come back stronger. That can play a big role in shut outs for me too.

That's so great you have been working on it and have found some success with not isolating. It's really tough to do.

I been thinking about this since I saw it yesterday, you've asked a similar question to another thread...

I didn't post the other thread, someone else did, but I'm glad that we are communicating about it - it's an important topic.

 

[glass half full]

@Sweetpea76 that sounds like a very healthy relationship! Im so proud of y...

Lost-

I know I'm late to the party with my comment on this string- but I have to take issue with your statement that many supporters take off because they find dealing with their sufferer to be just too much. While that may be true for some people, that's a generalization that blows off the sincere effort that many of us make to hang in there for weeks and weeks for a sufferer who will not engage in substantive communication and sometimes none at all. Nine weeks- two full months I have hung in here waiting for a man who has sent one four word email. That's it. No warning that he was isolating- just disappeared in the middle if a conversation and didnt come back. Four weeks later- he says I'm ok thank you- and not another word for the next FIVE weeks.

While I understand the generality of your comment, people like me will resent the hell out of anyone making light of what we go through attempting to be here for our sufferers. And yes, at some point, if he continues to treat me with this level of silence I will walk away and it will not be because dealing with him "is all too much". It will be because I have a life too and I will chose to live it with people who are willing to make the effort to make a minimal contribution to the relationship. I've seen too many comments that seem to suggest that relationship with a sufferer should be accepted by the supporter as a one way street. A relationship is and should be a two way street. While I realize that relationship with my sufferer would not be 50-50 and more like 80-20- even if the time comes that I walk away, it will not be because dealing with him was all too much. PTSD is an incredibly selfish disorder. I understand it's not volitional, but that doesn't change the inherently selfish dynamic.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@glass half full i dont generalize, and have issues with generalizations the other direction and didnt type some key words that would of put that in the correct context of how i meant it.

In my life "supporters" havent taken the time to stick around due to me and my issues being "too much".

I do understand that there are supporters that do stick it out, this site is full of them so i appologize for the fast typing and missing words and thank you for bringing that to my attention and compelling me to clarify. I can see how it looks like a generalization without those words so again, I appologize! :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

but I have to take issue with your statement that many supporters take off because they find dealing with their sufferer to be just too much

I would argue that this isn't a derogatory generalization, but rather a sad fact. Not everybody is cut out for being in a PTSD relationship, and that is totally fine. PTSD is hell on relationships.

 

[glass half full]

Sweet

I would argue that this isn't a derogatory generalization, but rather a sad fact. Not everybody is c...

Sweetpea- I understand what you are saying here- at the same time another sad fact is that the treatment many of us supporters are subjected to by our sufferers as we try to be there for them- the silence, the withdrawal of affection, the rejection, the pain and hurt and patience we endure; the help we reach out for, the knowledge we gain, the support we give and need, the nights we dont sleep because we worry about them, the toll it takes on us is largely unacknowledged and unappreciated by our sufferers.

Regardless of what we invest and sacrifice- our pain is simply expected as part of our journey when we choose the path of relationship with a suffer. This is another sad fact and one that is largely ignored. I've been through shit in my life, too- choked by an abusive boyfriend who did not accept the relationship was over- nearly killed by a falling rock in a freak hiking accident and trapped at the bottom of a cliff in incredible pain for hours until a rescue party could reach us. By all accounts I should have PTSD too. Thank God I dont. Some of my experiences left me able to be a better supporter- but the pain we experience being abruptly abandoned and ignored for days and weeks and months is deserving of empathy and respect. There is great love behind our choices to stay and great anxiety and pain because of it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I don't think we're "expected" to be in pain... How is that a healthy relationship?

Do we have to make concessions for symptoms? Yes, we can choose that option. Sometimes some hurt feelings are involved in that.

However, if anybody expects their partner to be in pain, or expects their partner to cause them pain... That just plain f*cking sucks.

 

[glass half full]

I don't think we're "expected" to be in pain... How is that a healthy relationship?

Do we have to...

I agree that any expectation that pain will be accepted is f#cked up. What I said was that our pain is an expected part of our journey with a sufferer. In a broader sense- those things we do for our sufferers, especially those of us in new relationships who had no idea what to expect or how to handle an abrupt and long lasting isolation- those things while not a deliberate infliction of pain, are painful. And learning how to deal with them is painful. I'm not talking about some sicko who deliberately inflicts or accepts pain. My vet would never deliberately hurt me- yet being on the receiving end of his isolation has been very painful- but oh well, that's just part of the journey of a supporter.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My vet would never deliberately hurt me- yet being on the receiving end of his isolation has been very painful- but oh well, that's just part of the journey of a supporter.

Why? You just said you know he isnt doing anything on purpose...his isolatiom has nothing to.do with you and i can understand the its lonely but why does it hurt? Beyond or instead being lonely that is. Are you hurt that he leaves or are you lonely? Just explain what you mean if you dont mind.

@Sweetpea76 seems to have a very healthy relationship. She knows he needs space for a certian time and she gives it to him. Now i can speak for her to whether it hurts or not, i dont concerned being lonely because obviously its lonely illregardless.

 

[Justmehere]

@glass half full - I think you raise a point that is something important for sufferers to keep in mind - the importance of supporters to appreciate supporters and vice versa. Not because supporters are so horrible to be around we should thank our supporters for enduring great pain by being around us, but because even in PTSD affected relationship, showing appreciation and understanding for the other person is an important relationship skill. I think you also are feeling of the place of deep and real pain of being shut out by someone you care deeply about, who can't/isn't/or won't communicate or show the real care someone should have for you in a relationship with them. That's real and valid heartache.

However, I think you are taking things too far when you imply the majority of sufferers have an "oh well" attitude about the impact of their PTSD symptoms on supporters. Frankly, many sufferers are guilt ridden about this and carry shame and self hate over it that is quite profound.

the toll it takes on us is largely unacknowledged and unappreciated by our sufferers.

I have not actually seen a sufferer respond to the well communicated pain of supporter with a true "oh well." I have seen many end the relationship because they knew they couldn't be what the supporter needed. I have sat with a sufferer crying for hours and almost sucidial over the deep pain they couldn't be there for the supporter like they wanted to be able to be for them.

You are basically implying sufferers have no empathy and feelings for the other person in the relationship, and that's not PTSD. That's sociopathy. That does hurt and is awful!

Most sufferers struggle to even accept that someone would want to be in any kind of relationship with them at all.

As a sufferer, I expect my supporters to leave at any second and I try to show the appreciation I have for them and the person I support does the same. Myself and others fail often, but that's common even in non-PTSD relationships.

It's also a little to far to act like the supporter is always in pain and there to just endure. Sometimes that does happen and it's not healthy. I

The fact is, a supporter is in the relationship because they get something positive from being in relationship with the person. If they don't then it's not a fair relationship to the sufferer or the supporter. Especially not the supporter. I personally don't want supporters who just silently endure the pain of being in a relationship with me with an "oh well" attitude about the toll of symptoms on them. I want supporters who enjoy and love being with me, and can understand my symptoms are not there because of a lack of concern for the supporter.

When my relationship with the person I support gets to the point that it's not a two way relationship, and it's all about them their pain and I am not even in the relationship - even when I'm there - I let them know I want to stay, and it needs to change in order for me to stay, and if things don't change, I have to move on and carry on life without them. Painfully. It's simply about what I can and can not do. I also work hard to accept the person as they are, and accept what they can and can not do, and try to figure out if that's something I can be with them in and still find it a good relationship for me -- because it's not fair to them or me for me to stay in it just enduring pain and expecting it to change and resting them when it doesn't.

PTSD hurts on both sides of the supporter/sufferer side. It's rarely about the supporter or sufferer wanting to reapond to the pain of the other person with an "oh well" approach. Usually there is deep care and concern on both sides, but sometimes there is not the ability to be what the other person needs them to be no matter how much they care and hurt over the other person's very real pain.