I don't know what to do

Sideways said:

Feel you. I’m approaching mid-semester, and struggling to focus on the giant essays that are due imminently, never mind finals which come next.

Student services at most universities have different forms of disability support, and can usually steer you in the direction of special consideration. That’s what it’s there for - there are no bonus points for doing stuff the hard way. Apply for extensions where you can, access disability support where it’s available, and utilise special consideration for exams

Click to expand...

applepie said:

Hello guys! I have CPTSD and I just want people to relate to. I have started going to a top college for my course, despite what happene to me for more than a decade around 5 months ago. My health and wellbeing has deteriorated severely. I feel so alone here, as well as personally, and it's getting to the point I don't know if I can cope. No one here relates to me, no one. It kills me, no one even relates to me personally. Academically, I am doing horrifyingly, a pass is a 35-40, I'm averaging a 57.5 but I need a 60. I have exams in 7 weeks and I honestly think I'm going to fail, I can't bring myself to revise because I literally just crumble. I hate my life so much, and feel so alone. I'm doing horribly and I've achieved nothing, and it seems like no one cares about me enough to help me. I just wish people would acknowledge the hardships I have faced. I hate it honestly. I don't know what to do about the exams and feel worthless.

Click to expand...

flesh and blood said:

Heyy! I really feel you as I’m on the same boat right now, also very stressed about exams and also barely passing my classes and this is almost 3 years after the last traumatic event. The system is not designed for us and I think what makes it worse for me (similar to you) is the fact that no one else here relates, which makes it hard because they see you as a liability or as not smart enough, not capable, and whenever I try to explain how it affects my education I feel that in their eyes, I’m just making excuses for not putting in the work or not having the intelligence to perform well. On top of that it feels invalidating because the issues I experience because of my disability are not issues others who don’t have cptsd experience so for other students and professors these are not issues, which leads me to feel as though I am being dramatic.
In my bachelors the disability office was very very helpful, but here in Europe where I’m doing my masters it’s very bad so that’s been hurting me as well. One thing that helps me through is reframing the way I see education as a concept and understanding how academia fails to achieve what it aspires to. That helps with not internalizing the failure to perform within the system as a personal failure or a lack in myself. The whole purpose why I am pursuing this degree is because it interests me intellectually, I simply want to learn, and I want to do that at my own pace without the need to prove myself being there. Being in school does offer me many resources so I will utilize what is of use for me and try to ignore the ways in which the systems attacks your mental stability and sense of self as much as possible. Academia does not have to be the way it is, an institution truly dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge, should be using any means necessary to make this acquisition of knowledge as accessible as possible without judgment, instead of trying to “weed people out” or deeming only a specific set of people who have the ability to navigate a toxic system as being the only ones worthy of knowledge.

I do have to say that your trauma being so fresh is very important, you need a break. I was lucky to be in my last year of bachelor when my last trauma happened so after pushing through for a year I was able to take a year off, if you have that ability I would recommend it. Also another thing my university in the US offered was the option for an incomplete which gave me a year to complete my courses and take my exams at my own time. Check if your university does that. I know some disability offices will keep information from you about what resources they can even offer, so you have to dig and be very assertive unfortunately. And please remember that your failure to pass your exams is not a personal failure but a systemic failure. Your brain is way too overwhelmed to focus and process schoolwork, that’s a normal redaction to trauma there’s nothing wrong about you or about your inability to work. You should have the opportunity to step away from that for health reasons.

Click to expand...

Upside Down Eagle said:

I'd just like to add, although my studying days are long gone, that you are a worthy person inherently, regardless of whether you pass or fail an exam.

Society's black and white standards ("passing" versus "failing") are not even remotely representative of personal worth. Unfortunately (but hopefully this will change), society still thinks that this is somehow a game of comparison and competition (which it is not).

In that light, "failing" an exam means you tried, but it means nothing about who you are. If you do fail, it gives you a chance to re-assess, maybe get a breather, and see what it is that YOU want (versus everybody else's expectations). Try to not beat yourself up too much.

Agree about making use of student services, and perhaps you could mention to them if it would be possible to go at a slower pace. Also, I don't want to make assumptions about your means, but nowadays the "taking a break" option does not have to be expensive.

Click to expand...

Upside Down Eagle said:

That seems odd, I thought normally universities have some sort of flexibility when it comes to people who have a 'disability', and ptsd qualifies as a disability. In my case, leniency was granted. What's their argument for not providing it?

Would you feel safe being outside of your parents house? There are lots of things that can be done without relying on them, depending on what you feel safe with. Hiking a trail with a tent, or backpacking, or volunteering somewhere in exchange for housing.

I don't know what you need, so it's possible that's not at all your thing (in which case consider my suggestions undone :) )

Click to expand...

applepie said:

Hi!! It's honestly so nice to hear that people like me are also in academia and at university, it makes me feel a bit less alone in the grander scheme of things. I do agree I need a break, however I am not yet financially stable by myself, and my parents don't support me taking a break- they just want me to move on and look ahead to my future despite my past being extremely dark. I have been offered part time study, or leave, which I appreciate, but due to what I said before, I can't pursue it. I have exams soon, and I am so depledted, university is so lonely! Especially seeing other kids grow up and pursue normal things such as relationships- things that I can't do. It's extremely isolating to realise I cannot do most things that people here do. I still try to push myself to strive academically, but I am so exhausted. I also agree that because our conditions aren't extremely common in academia vs a condition like dyslexia, universities tend to not understand and are not as accomodating if at all, to us. It truly is very lonely. I also am having to work through my trauma now and look back after a decade and live with it- it's horrifying. To me, I view education as an escape, like my only escape to build a life and be free, if that makes sense.

Click to expand...

flesh and blood said:

Yeah I really get that. Are you doing a bachelor's or masters? And how long until you finish? I was also thinking of academia the way you are, that at least getting a degree would allow me to build a life where I'm comfortable. But do know that it is not the only way; many of my friends don't have degrees and have relatively good-paying jobs, some in human rights or creative fields, another friend is doing a 7-month hairstyling degree to become a hairstylist, so there are other options in case you decide to step back from academia for a while. But yes, the process to get that degree with CPTSD is not easy at all. I will admit that during my bachelor because my symptoms were at the worst they had been and I couldn't just pause the whole year, I did cheat on some exams, which helped with getting the degree. Not proud of it, but at the time, I lost all my interest in the subjects, and I just wanted to be done and not have responsibilities. Haven't cheated once in my Master's though because now my symptoms are more manageable since I took a gap year where I was doing EMDR twice a week haha. It is hard being invisible in academia, but having all the people here who are going through the same shit helps, it makes our experience feel validated.

Click to expand...