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How to deal with suicidal thoughts

S

Susan Jane

Diamond Member
I have CPTD and depression is one of the parts of it. My episodes always start the same early morning panic and shaking and fear to go out. The fear is the spiral I know I can’t stop. I notice they are tied to external stress. Nothing I can’t normally handle. This episode has a new twist… suicidal ideation. Truth being I don’t want to die I just want to feel better. I am sitting in a clinic now, as I stopped eating and was just laying in bed. I am still laying in bed here at the clinic. I am unable to deal with simple tasks and I don’t want to be here. I started actually thinking about how to get rid of myself without hurting anyone… my question is how do people here if any deal with these hopeless thoughts? I am not able to exercise or write gratitude lists I have been in therapy for years and I cognitively know these feels are from a place of hopelessness. Any advice from people who have been there? Appreciate it
 
Yes they are so awful and it is hard to push back. I understand about can’t feel love. I couldn’t feel love for my own newborn babies and kids as they were growing up until they were halfway grown. I knew what it was “supposed to look like” but felt dead and haunted inside.

I now have love for my kids and can feel grief and longing but I still have SI. It really feels like evil inside me but it’s a kind of terrible coping mechanism that developed as a way to manage feelings I couldn’t process.

Sometimes going outside helps me. I should do that today, it’s pretty bad rn.
 
I was in a very bad spot because of a bad experience with a therapist. What helped me was finding out about the "presuicidal syndrome" and dealing with the three components of it:

-inhibited aggression turned toward the self
I learned that the aggression was directed at the therapist.

-constriction
This usually happens in a depressive state. To realize that my thinking has become constricted. I identified steps that would move me forward. It can be very small steps, it is important to get into a different mental state.

-suicidal fantasies
Consciously recognizing such fantasies and not letting them run passively, but actively contradicting them.


All of this is highly individual. Step by step, each component needs work, not all at once.
 
Susan Jane said:
I have CPTD and depression is one of the parts of it. My episodes always start the same early morning panic and shaking and fear to go out. The fear is the spiral I know I can’t stop. I notice they are tied to external stress. Nothing I can’t normally handle. This episode has a new twist… suicidal ideation. Truth being I don’t want to die I just want to feel better. I am sitting in a clinic now, as I stopped eating and was just laying in bed. I am still laying in bed here at the clinic. I am unable to deal with simple tasks and I don’t want to be here. I started actually thinking about how to get rid of myself without hurting anyone… my question is how do people here if any deal with these hopeless thoughts? I am not able to exercise or write gratitude lists I have been in therapy for years and I cognitively know these feels are from a place of hopelessness. Any advice from people who have been there? Appreciate it
Click to expand...
Hiya, make it your lifes mission to find something worth living for. It could be anything. Something that distracts you from the shit monotamy of your shit cptsd depression. (I have a history of complex trauma and depression and anxiety).

I chose music and Buddhism and work. You can choose anything. Make use of the amenities around you where you live. Fight for your life. Fight to live your life in a better, healthier way. Fight so that the people that caused this trauma and depression don't win.

You've already made a great effort to address the problem and to try to communicate to others that your sick, now get a life plan together. Short term goals/long term goals. You can do this.
 
I hear you all, I guess when in the deepest part of deregulation I can’t see through the trees. I have things I like to do but getting out of bed to brush my teeth is a day long discussion at the moment. I am proud that I showered went for a walk and actually spoke to another person today. I hope that happens again tomorrow… Thanks for the tips everyone…
 
Susan Jane said:
I hear you all, I guess when in the deepest part of deregulation I can’t see through the trees. I have things I like to do but getting out of bed to brush my teeth is a day long discussion at the moment. I am proud that I showered went for a walk and actually spoke to another person today. I hope that happens again tomorrow… Thanks for the tips everyone…
Click to expand...
Brushing your teeth, showering and going for a walk and talking to someone are all great victories ✌️ 👍 😀
 
This is a tough topic. I also have CPTSD and I especially feel this way very hard after my parents try to contact me. My therapist says that my brain sees SI as the only 'escape route' for me and that's why I tend to go there.
 

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