Went No Contact with my brother

I went no contact with my brother recently.

I don't know why he had to be so cruel.

I can engage in any conversations with him if I want to be healthy. Not if he wants to project onto me his crap.

I'm thinking of Christmas dinner. I want to know what to do before Christmas. As a family we don't really get together. This Christmas dinner was something I always looked forward to but now I'm not so sure I can go to that with my brother there.

My brother said a lot of hurtful things. None of it is true.

I'd like to get people's opinions on why or why I shouldn't go to Christmas dinner. I'm thinking my dad isn't gonna be around for much longer and neither is my sisters mother-in-law.

My brother thinks he's got all the right answers and that seems to be a significant trait in my family where everyone seems to think they got all the right answers when they don't...

They don't understand my mental health struggles. They never will. They didn't exactly rush out to come see me in hospital when I just about died in a massive crash. I just about lost my arm as well. In the accident I had to clear my own airway. This is what led to PTSD symptoms.

I've been fighting workers compensation to get assessed for PTSD. After filing an appeal I finally gained access to getting that assessment. I had multiple assessments, some pretty long hours. And all the assessments, all the professionals support a PTSD diagnosis and now I will soon start this PTSD program.

Anyways, it's like my family was shamed into supporting me. I do have support but always in the back of mind what support I get from my family now only came through people shaming them. I don't know, I have very ambivalent feelings towards my family. I feel distant and disconnected, all of which I am discovering is part of PTSD.

So should I go to Christmas dinner and let it be awkward? I'm thinking that's what I'll do but I don't want to be hurt anymore from my brother's narcissistic abuse.

Well done for putting a boundary in and doing something that feels right for you.

You can still see you dad and your sister's mother on law at Christmas. Would it have to be at the same time as your brother? I.e can you arrange to see them when he isn't there?

Or, will there be enough people there so you can have the least amount of conversation with him as possible if you go and he is there?

There's one family dinner and no family dinner option without my brother being present. There might be enough of us there that I could potentially not engage in any conversation him.

The thing I have found with going low contact (I haven't ever broken fully free - I have periods where I block or don't engage), is that you're the one going outside the mould. It's a really hard thing to do.

The answer to this is possibly no, but worth asking anyway because going no contact with a family member means making new moulds: do you want to host a Christmas dinner where you invite the family you want to see? Or start a new tradition with them?

I have been no contact with my soon to be exwife for a year now. I am also no contact with the kids. That is painful but they seem to relay everything to my ex. That said, it has been an empowering experience. Even the slightest contact causes me an emotional roller coaster. I think it has been the best thing for myself I have ever done. I think there is a way for you to see those you want to see. You just have to be creative. Maybe lunch on Christmas Eve. I have found that looking for solutions is more productive than looking for reasons not to do something.

This is kinda what I am thinking:

Maybe I can extend an olive branch. The only time we have a family dinner is over Christmas. We have our cousin's from Norway coming to visit this summer so there's a good chance I will see my brother then too. It's not very often family from Norway visit. I'm sure we can keep it surface level.

I won't be unblocking my brother any time soon. He's gonna have to break away from his own denial before I ever consider unblocking him. I'm prepared for that to never happen.

I can also distance myself at the Christmas dinner. We often have multiple conversations going anyways. I don't have to engage in direct conversation with him.

This is what I'm thinking but I wonder if this is a good idea or not. I could then determine if I need to extend to actual no contact. I wonder if this is a healthier response? I can see how the reception is. Because ya, I might not get healthier without a clean break but I don't know if things can be healthy with limited engagement but still keep him blocked so that we just engage over family gatherings only...unless I need to stand further back?

I think you have a good handle on it. The holidays were very tricky for me. I would do the family thing and it was just too much for me and I would get overwhelmed and have to leave. By not even thinking about attending such events I am not triggered.