Have to interact with abusive father while his dad sells house I was going to inherit

Hello

I'm sorry I've been less active in the forums. I am really struggling. I hope you are all okay ir okay enough.

My dad, who was my main abuser growing up, to the point of causing psychotic breaks in multiple people, is being tasked by his dad to be in my mom's house.

My mom died last year and won't be affected. I am losing everything, anything I've ever worked for, especially my animals. House has been in bad shape for two decades.

I am losing it. Forced contact with my dad. He's gaslighting that he's nice and acting like he's on my side. I guess I believe it.

He will probably be in my house on Monday, tomorrow. With a realtor.

I just want support from people who understand. I don't feel well enough to explain more clearly, I'm sorry

He's been trying to break in and break the door down for years. Now family is forcing me to let him in.

Will try to make him stand outside. Don't know if I'll be successful.

Worked so hard to not only lose everything but also have to be submissive to some guy who raped my mom all the time. I feel like I'm letting her down, but surely she doesn't care anymore.

So sorry you have to go through all that incredibly hard stuff.

Now it’s time for some nuclear self-care. All the tools you’ve ever found that help, even a bit? Implement them like there’s no tomorrow. And remember that there actually is a tomorrow. And the day after that.

And keep coming here and keep us posted.

An incredibly difficult place to be.

Is there someone you trust that can be there with you when he is there?

If not, does writing out your actions plan help? I find that when I am overwhelmed I can easily forget what I want to say or do and just freeze. But knowing I have something written out helps me remember my agency and autonomy when I look at it and it prompts me.

Do you know the realtor? Can you contact them to say you won't be accepting the Dad in your home so that he is prepared? Not sure if that would help just thinking of options.

That’s such a difficult position to be in. Makes sense that you’re feeling pretty overwhelmed.

Agree with the others - self care on overdrive. And give yourself permission in advance to just walk out if things get too much. Doesn’t have to be ‘walk out and don’t come back’ so much as just giving yourself permission to give yourself some space when you need it.

Thank you all

I am planning on asking him politely to be outside. I think on some level, maybe just the narc in him, he wants to be nice and knows on some level this entire situation is his fault. Hard to say.

I will play it by ear. For my protection I will ask politely but if he refuses and civil conversation isn't enough, my game plan is to let him in.

Unless he comes alone, with no realtor. then I will still play it by ear.

He has begun new, confusing arguments saying I should take down my posters for rehoming the remaining cats who need homes. Because he thinks that he came across enough money (selling cars in Mexico illegally to cartel members), $300,000, and can rent a place for me. Everyone agrees I should not allow him to rent for me. I told him through text that (a) I never want animals ever again (unheard of for me but am so unstable right now, housing wise, that I do not want any ever again, especially after i lose these guys) and (b) that I do not what him renting any housing for me, because if it falls through (like my house I'm in now has, because he ruined it for my mom) then if I get evicted I will be in a worse situation. Especially if I still am holding on to the cats


My mom died by the way, I don't know if I have said that to everyone or not


So yeah going to play tomorrow by ear. Best friend might be able to be around but can't be there all day, and I have no expected time for Dad to come by the house. So it's weird

Thank you for listening and saying those things

Adding more info

I will be losing the house for sure. there were several months between April and now that they (dad's dad/my grandfather (home owner) and Dad's sister) said maybe they'd find a way for me to keep housing. It is not possible ATM

So been worrying about what to do in general. Having to be in contact with my dad through all of this has been very hard. He seems to genuinely want to be seen as a kind person but there are huge red flags ofc

But anyway. Losing everything. Just trying to focus on rehoming my cats. My dad's family won't communicate with me directly, only through my dad, who is constantly changing the story. So it's very confusing. For example my dad told me I have until September 19th to move out, but that he supposedly is pushing back against them on it because they're being evil.

I have no indication that they are being evil. I think he's just trying to sound more important. But it's impossible to tell of course.

My current plan is to get out of this stupid hoarded up house (which he (dad) called me liar about) and go to the mental hospital. And stay for a month or whatever. Because this is the worst I've ever been. Being raped as a child multiple times was genuinely easier to deal with on some levels. Most levels. This has been horrible

From mental hospital, will look into group homes for disabled adults because I am on disability and have been struggling to stay if no one feeds me. Been going to a local Buddhist temple and the main monk said for me, he'd let me rent a room in his house or stay in the temple. Afraid of that option because of trauma but it sounds like a good one. I'm worried group homes will take my entire disability check ($500/mo) and SSI won't leave me enough to cover car costs. If I lose everything, I'm hoping to at least be able to afford the car so it's possible to escape if the group home is abusive. Instead of literally lose everything. Can store things to try to save in the car, for example.

We will see

But yeah for tomorrow. Just going to play it by ear. Hopefully it will go fine. Best friend said he's at least also informing his parents in case something happens

I trust his abusive dad way more than mine. Bestie's dad is not violent or anything, just.... Not very smart? Emotionally mean? Still serious, don't get me wrong, but hasn't literally killed anyone

Edit to add: or raped children or possibly sold them for sexual use

Idk I think my dad's trying to gaslight me into thinking he didn't do anything and it's half working. But also I don't even care at this point anymore, all I have is now so who cares what happened

Is there any legal representation that you can access for free? Or some one that you can have as a witness whilst he is there.

Could you get a disability advocate or a cc women's refuge support?

You probably have no brain space for this, so please ignore if not useful.

I'm not sure if there are resources like that here or not. But I can at least try to have a witness here

One or two people as witnesses potentially can alter abusive father's behaviours. Even domestic violence workers?

We have a whole range of free legal services that assist in such situations in Australia.

I feel concerned if the house was being left to you, then why is it now going to your father? (You don't have to answer this).

I rang free legal services to deal with the Insurance Company. I would have been totally ripped off otherwise.

Ignore if not useful.

First post here, been reading for a while. I'm so sorry, this is so much at once.

The part where he's being nice and you "guess" you believe it, that one sat with me. You don't have to settle that question tomorrow. Nice is something he can perform for an afternoon. Getting through the day doesn't require believing him, it just requires you to be there and then not be there.

And the letting your mom down part, no. She managed that man her whole life. Asking him to stay outside her house is not letting her down. Feels like the opposite honestly.

Hoping tomorrow is boring and uneventful. Come back and tell us how it went.