“how are you doing?”

[Suzetig]

She doesn’t have a waiting room, and it is asked with genuine interest - she cares about how I’m doing but right at the start of the session while I’m getting settled into my chair etc I give a pretty banal response. After so long working together it’s part of our settling in routine.

To be honest, she and I are both interested in working at depth, not in catching up from the week before or talking about the detail of my week and “how are you?” tends to lead into a discussion about what’s happened that week and how I felt about it. That’s not what our work is about so we both do the “I’m fine, you’re fine” dance, and then get on with what I’m there for.

 

[MyWillow]

I'm at a different stage of therapy I guess too. My current life flicks between nailing it at work and falling apart behind the scenes. Learning to set boundaries with family. Trying to change longstanding habits of avoiding. Dealing with structural dissociation. I barely know why I'm struggling. In my minds eye there's a brick wall behind me. So yeah. I'm fine.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think one should be wary who they are vulnerable or honest with, close doesn't necessarily mean closeness.

For ex, if I said anything other than fine to my sisters they'd say "WTF is wrong with you?", or "STFU and get your sh*t together", or "Wha wha wha Who doesn't? stop being a baby", or "Loser!" And/ or, a simple question like that at work, and other than the standard answer can lead to a passel-load of trouble.

I say ok, or good enough, or great- but you have to watch or they'll make you pay for that one too. Even Co-Mgmt at work said, "You always say that!"- but of course they were all smiles.

In truth, I'd probably say, Idk. ( Or, Idk, ..what time is it? :rolleyes: )

To a buddy I might say, "like sh*t- thanks for asking!" :roflmao:, and we'd have a laugh. I am glad when people tell me the truth, then I can be sensitive to it and on the same page.

 

[Emotional girl]

My T asks me this at the start of each session and at the end of session and over time I have learnt to become honest and open at the start of the session and say "actually I am not that great" and then go on to him why.
I find it harder at the end of the session because I feel we are time limited so normally I just reply in a British type of way and say I am ok and but then I walk out of the session and I think I should have said something different.
The question that annoys me in therapy is "what are you thinking right now" because it puts me right on the spot to come out with a answer.

 

[NightSky]

My T means it when she asks, as a way to segue into any symptoms that have been particularly prevalent or any current major stressors as I’ve had a few she’s keeping tabs on. And I have two close friends who know about my ptsd/symptoms and are extremely supportive and thoughtful and really want to know. But I guess I’m just coming to the realization that I’m never “okay” despite using that answer always. And never being okay sucks and what if it’s forever? I just feel like saying to them please don’t ask me anymore. Find another question. :(

 

[blackemerald1]

@Suzetig "verbal handshake' best describes this for me...with the doc., after that down to business...

For everyone else..stock standard 'I'm fine...'

 

[Mach123]

My real aversion to this question comes from years of 12 step programs and not being at all well in spite of many years of doing all the right things and slowly spiraling downward from repressed memories of CSA and cPTSD. Everything's fine. Abstention did nothing for me and I was so desperate to feel better or to be well. (I really should have been medicated in those years but this was before they made it ok to be on psych meds.) So how are you are you ok, meaning are you still abstained from whatever it is, and if so, then everything is fine. But everything wasn't fine. I slowly became suicidal as Nothing worked and depression and anxiety were inescapable. Now I'm pretty good meaning my symptoms are much less. Before I was like the first post, don't ask me, because everything is so bad you wouldn't believe it and, you really don't want to know. I always felt like that. I never felt good. I don't talk to many people now and almost no one I don't want to. I have not worked in years. I mean to try and work if I can't get anything online off the ground. I am horrified my symptoms will return though if I have to deal with people. : (

 

[Still Standing]

Man, I wish my T was asking that dang question as a verbal handshake. But, if I answer in one of my three phrases, he asks, "Really?" or "Just fine?" "What is 'good'?". Ugh. It is getting so when I enter his office, I don't dare look at him because I know that question is coming and I don't want him to look me in the eyes. He knows my impish, avoidance look. It is like standing in front of my grade school teacher and trying to convince her that I don't have gum in my mouth. Like my teacher, my Therapist gently insists that I fess up to the obvious. They can see evidence that my answers to them are not correct. So, I have to admit or clarify my response. As uncomfortable as it is, for me, it is a huge step forward to simply express, as honestly as I am able, how I really am. By trying to do this, it cuts to the chase and we are off to the races, without trying to work therapy through a facade. ('course there are other facades and such to work through but the initial greeting one is about conquered.) Oh! The joys of counseling...it is more like dancing and I want to lead.

 

[NightSky]

I guess what’s most frustrating about this question is I’m deeply afraid that I will never be able to answer honestly that I’m doing well. My T also always challenges my “fine” or “good” and it is making me realize that i never feel truly feel good or fine and maybe I never will. That’s a hard realization.

 

[zombycat]

I think the hardest thing for me about this question is that generally implied state of 'fineness' that seems to be expected to exist amongst people at all times. It's a politeness that's become so much rote between people that all meaning as been lost. I refuse to answer it honestly with 90% of the people I come into contact with, if for no other reason than that, even if I'm struggling and having a hard day and really need someone to talk to, they don't want to know how I am. Not really. If I told them, they would be politely concerned and make politely supportive noises or find an excuse to end the conversation and walk away because the truth makes them uncomfortable. By asking about my condition, they knock on a door they hope to hell I will not open.

Granted this is coming from an introvert. I was raised in an extremely polite household, but I see no point in people asking questions they don't want to know the answer to or sticking to 'safe' topics like the weather. I would much rather someone came up to me and said, 'Hi there. You know, I saw this thing on Facebook the other day that made me think of you.' Don't ask me how I'm doing unless you really want to hear about how hard it was to get out of bed today, and for the Love Of All That Is Holy I don't want to talk about the weather unless we're going camping together this weekend.

 

[UnicornSightings]

This is sorta related to the op. Ever notice when you ask your t how they are they talk for awhile? They never just say “fine” or “good”. They tell you what’s up for them. I’m guessing they are trying to model how it’s done????

I find it weird though because I only ask to be polite lol!!! Then I have to listen to it all.

 

[blackemerald1]

I think everyone that one meet's during the course of daily life knows you at a different level. It's important to remember this. I have different levels of connection with different people. For eg I don't tell my (true) deeply trauma stuff to anyone but my Dr. I mean why let it bleed all over other relationships, these other ppl either don't want to know, don't need to know or have preconceived idea's on this condition that are incorrect.
I don't trust other ppl I know that's sad but I do trust my Dr & the first few word's at the beginning are just acknowledgement that we are together & work is commencing. If I launched into a speal of mumbo jumbo about how I really feel it would wander off into politics, the weather etc. and I would not get anything achieved or at least try to. I think it depends on so many varying factor's with the practitioner & patient there is no right way of answering or greeting for all. But they all know you haven't dropped by for a milkshake so I highly doubt the practitioner believes the 'I'm fine' & I hope everyone else does bc I don't want to tell them I'm not.