@Nevermore-I think it is essentially this:
1. I always knew that my family of origin was troubled but defended my siblings behavior until in my 20's, and youngest of 5 girls. I began therapy after abusive marriage and saw that my sisters chose wrong men and things too. It really hit me when brother in law cheated and during divorce, my sister attempted suicide. I got into the whole co-depencence/ACOA recovery by late 20's. Healthy choices did not come naturally.
2. Age 32, very calm time and had remarried and had 2 beautiful children, I did not have to work and was enjoying new skills and motherhood. I became seriously ill, extreme weakness and fatigue with a newborn, 18 month old, 13 yr old. My body shut down in the happiest time of my life. It actually began 5 months into pregnancy when I was read ended in an automobile accident. I was diagnosed with herniated discs with stenosis, Cfids, fibromyalgia, myofacial pain, epstein barr virus, etc.
3. Determine to overcome this, my life revolved around a healthy and positive attitude. I was forced to sever ties with those that brought drama and negativity, even limited contact with siblings who denied any of us were effected by childhood. I was forced to examine how I spent my time, and used it wisely, giving my children a pretty good life. It made me slow down my "do it all" personality. As soon as I could, I returned to exercise dance class, then walking. I guarded my sleep as soon as kids slept all night. Avoided alcohol and didn't smoke. Ate better. etc. Slowly, health returned but for many yrs, not able to take on more projects.
4.Age 40-Was in full recovery. Put toe in water and went back to school. Kept going and got masters while working. Became single parent again. Life was good
5. Age 48-Slipped and fell on wet floor. Bad injuries but not told of traumatic brain injury or what might be in my future. Also broke rib and collapsed lung. Developed sleep disorder, anxiety , depression, started making bad choices, self medicated, teen rebellion made me cry( didn't before) type of things. Since then, everything is shitty and nothing good has happened in my life since, but at that time, I still had all the hope in the world.
6. Age 50-Because I requested a house guest leave my home-assualted by a cop and drug from my home middle of night and taken to an alley and nobody f...ing cared except my poor daughter who no longer speaks to me. This was after the cop put a gun in my face. He tore my rotator cuff and I have had 2 surgeries as well as cosmetic to my face. More physical problems and I had not recovered from the fall yet. This is when ptsd symptoms started. 2 wks later, overdosed on xanax. Since then, pain meds have destroyed stomach, health has declined to point that some days I am unable to walk and embarrassed to ask for walker because if I make it to the drs, I walked in, other times I am no show or cancel. Nobody seems to get how bad the pain and weakness is, and insurance has repeatedly denied or interfered with any continuity of mental health counseling for ptsd which was diagnosed following assault.
T says ptsd likely from childhood. I can't dispute that but does not seem to be correct-although I know that my family was ill. I know ptsd can cause fibromyalgia and otters things. I think the diagnosis just weighs heavy on me maybe. Now 57, I am too old and too tired for it to matter much. I am just going through motions of survival and really do not care if I die. Sometimes I go to bed with chest pain or wake up with it. I only want to be able to take a xanax and go back to sleep. Maybe the diagnosis would not matter. Maybe I would be the same without it, but I can say the benefit of having it is that I am less likely to self medicate symptoms. (I drank during period of not knowing what was wrong with me-even after head injury). My doctor did not even tell me my lung was collapsed, my lawyer did. I just can't climb a mountain again. I don't know what to wish for. I have not contact with my daughter, and while I miss her, I don't miss the abusive way she treated me. I got her thru law school and sacrificed for her success and am happy for her achievements and love her very much. I just don't want drama or to tip toe around my own house. I can't work. The more I isolate, the more I like it. (except for a group I attend where I can be REAL, and they accept ME, and I feel welcome and care about the people there). Outside of that, my life is pretty much done. I have many good memories but thats in the past. I just want the pain to end.
