10 Years And A Dozen Drugs Later, I'm Finally Properly Diagnosed

[gigi2690]

I have ptsd. I understand that this a daunting diagnosis, but saying it feels good. Years wondering why I cannot fall in love. Years wondering why my feelings are so distant; years of revving up in anxiety not knowing why. Wondering why I was doomed to be an insomniac.

I was abused as a child. My father basically allowed me to be raised by a borderline and abusive girlfriend while he spent most nights on his couch in the office. There was violence, and there were insults I feel tattooed into my flesh to this day. 7 years I lived with her. And when it was over, I was 14 and I buried it. I thought that was best. But I still had ptsd even in my denial. People called me aloof, unaware that I was, in fact, feeling too much not too little.

And the triggers. A blood phobia borne from watching her slit her wrists. Broken mirrors (her hobby when especially angry) give me panic attacks. And the migraines. I'm chronic. I get between 3-5 a week lasting 8-15 hours each. Apparently this is also a symptom of my ptsd. So many symptoms doctors treated over the years. Never touching upon the truth.

I was just diagnosed last week. But reading over testimonies and descriptions, I have no doubt of the validity of my diagnosis... this time. Finally, I have an answer. Maybe now I can begin to heal.

 

[Sandra]

Welcome to the forum. Lots of good people here to listen to you.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the forum, Gigi!

I am very glad that you finally received a diagnosis which you trust is correct. Of course it is scary and anything but fun. Going such a long time without understanding why you are feeling or not feeling is agonizing.

Your story sounds very similar to mine. I experienced a long abusive childhood from early on. We had moved from one country to the next as my father was an ambassador. Then at age 9, right after we had moved there, my parents moved out. My mother moved home to the US. My father moved to Greece for his next appointment. At that point my teachers could finally step in without the standard gag order. I received play therapy and sand therapy at that point. Then social workers got involved and sent me to Greece to live with my father as I was too young. Then I became a sex toy for my father and without having learned the language yet I simply shut off. During a vacation about 6 months later my father went to visit relatives I escaped to my former school. Just seeing me they realized I was in serious trouble. After the court hearing I was allowed to live alone with the help of my teachers. I continued play therapy until I graduated. All kinds of different teachers stepped in to help and allowed me to help their kids with school. I became a family member of so many families and had regular therapy contact. Despite the services I never learned about any diagnosis I was given.

That did not happen until I moved the US to complete college and begin graduate school. Because of being Deaf and having no balance I had concussions regularly. I asked for help and was referred to balance therapy. During the official assessment which included a lot of touching and being tied up, I dissociated, my common defense method. They still made me go through the entire assessment. Constant flashbacks overwhelmed me for the next 10 days at which time I knew that I had PTSD. Just understanding what I had and having it confirmed by psychologists and psychiatrists helped. For a long time we went through different meds with different doctors until we finally found a diagnosis. I still have severe and chronic PTSD, but understanding what I have and linking it my experiences really helped.

I wish you the best of luck on your PTSD journey. I hope you find the relief you need, especially from the migraines.

Take care!

 

[Froggie]

Hi and welcome to the forum Gigi. I'm glad that you are relieved of finally knowing what you have. Being here, you will learn a few tricks from others how we deal with our symptoms. I know that I started to feel more "normal" here and less of an alien when I came here. All the best to you Gigi.

 

[Sazza]

Hi Gig and welcome, glad you finally have a diagnosis and can now work on slowly healing. Sometimes we need an answer to whats wrong before we can begin that journey. Lots of support here if and when you may need it or just want people to talk to who know the score.

 

[Srain]

Welcome to the Forum, Gigi :)

I'm sorry for your pain. I can relate to some of your journey here. I have the same severity of chronic Migraines as you, abused as a child, etc. This site is full of supportive individuals and lots of information. I have found the suggested reading material very helpful as well. I'm glad you have been finally correctly diagnosed and are here. Please take care.

peace,
Rain

 

[intothelight]

Hi Gigi,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. Getting the diagnosis can be a relief and this site can provide a lot of information about healing.

Wishing you the best.
Debbie