Relationship 11 Year Old Granddaughter Cuts Herself.

[Notsowild]

Hi everyone.. My 11 yr old granddaughter has been cutting herself. We think it is from being bullied at school. She is seeing the school counsellor but not too sure how much she is opening up to her. We took her to the ER and they are setting her up with a youth counsellor. But that could take awhile.

Any advice on how we can help her now?

 

[amethist]

Hi @Notsowild

I have moved this post to its own thread for you.

 

[Notsowild]

Thanks @amethist

 

[Crimson]

Before I ever remembered what happened to me I fell in love with a cutter.

In my experience (both as one that loves a cutter and as a cutter) cutting is about power and/or control. (I cannot control x,y, and z, but I can control where this blade goes.)

I feel like a fish out of water giving you advice but I feel very strongly empowerment is needed for a cutter. Finding one's own power (In my opinion) at least helps deal with this issue.

Please empower your loved one, even if this doesn't help them stop cutting, I strongly feel that they need empowerment.

I have no idea what would empower one their age, but that empowerment needs to happen.

Love her, She may hate you for it, but love will get through eventually,

I repeat myself because I want my message to get through.

Have a good day.

 

[Powder]

Don't change your image of her. She's still the same person. I cut once, when I was put on meds the first time.

Sometimes it's not the bullying, or the meds, it's that these things trigger dissociated shocks or trauma from the past. Anxiety is another issue that can cause youngsters to cut.

When someone cuts, it usually releases a bunch of chemicals and leads to a "release" or tiredness, similar to a "good cry." I think that sometimes it is hard to have a good cry, even though I feel like I need one. And I suspect that your granddaughter, at age 11, just reached that self-conscious age when even girls now believe they are "too old to cry" like a baby.

It is incredibly healing to access old, stuck memories that are holding one back and have a very babyish big, loud cry over them. There is a reason babies cry so much and don't need therapy. We forget how to breath properly and start to hold in our breath, creating anxiety. Same with crying, we forget that we need to cry or release emotions that over-whelm us.

Don't make her field like a freak. Lots of people cut, and in many cultures, it is a normal, everyday experience or is part of ceremonies. So many people cut and not many actually hurt themselves permanently. But it is a less helpful coping mechanism because it can push down the emotions rather than allow cognitive processing and reframing of experiences.

I think art therapy is a gentle thing for kids to do. Taking a fun art class or a new or old hobby you can share with her is healing.

For example, my grandpa used to make little wooden boats out of wood scraps and take me to a park with a small lake to try them out and see which ones will float. He attached a long string to a nail placed at the front and let me take them for a spin and have a simple picnic. When I got too old for that, he took me out on his sailboat and showed me his crab traps. I think sharing something that gives you a release, like a hobby or pastime, is a blessing and major form of love. She needs to see how real people find release, so that she can start finding her own. Meantime, she will feel the love in your choice to spend time with her.

 

[Justmehere]

I am so sorry she is going through this. I'm glad she has a grandma who is trying to find her help. I hope they can find the right kind of therapy for her fast.

I have struggled with self injury and worked with kids who have struggled with it too. These are just a few suggestions and ideas from personal experience. They may or may not help.

If you think it is from being bullied, try to get the school involved to stop the bullying, if possible. (I'm guessing that you may have already tried this?) Either way, try showing her you hear her and are there to help her get through this. It may be the bullying, it might not be. But working to reduce any trauma like bullying will help.

Keep learning about self injury as much as possible. This will help it seem less scary as a grandmother who is clearly concerned for her granddaughter, and may help you react in a way that is more helpful - like you want to.

For me, as well as others, self injury was/is about trying to regulate or express overwhelming pain and emotions I didn't know how to handle any other way. Try to teach her healthy ways to handle emotions when they come up. But don't do it just as an alternative to self injuring. Do it all the time, even when she is not self injuring. For example, if it seems like she is angry, ask her if she is feeling angry, and if she is, try normalizing her anger (saying something like, "I get angry sometimes too") and tell her what can help with anger (like "I handle my angry feelings by taking some deep breaths and talking about what is making me angry, and sometimes holding ice or tearing up paper. Want to try it with me?") This of course means that you need to have a lot of skills yourself on how to handle emotions - and possibly acquiring new ones. You don't need to be an expert on how to handle emotions, you all could even learn together. She's just 11, and her brain is still developing the ability to regulate emotions. Give her alternatives to self injury to handle her emotions in healthy ways. It may not work at first but be very patient.

Help reinforce anything that is a positive way for her to have a voice or express herself or positive releases of emotion. For example, I found that art classes helped me express some of the sadness I was feeling, swim lessons helped me get out some energy behind the anxiety.

Listen to her and validate her as much as possible. For me, sometimes self injury is a way to validate the pain inside.

 

[Notsowild]

Don't change your image of her. She's still the same person. I cut once, when I was put on meds the first time.

I would never change my image of her. She is the love of our lives. My daughter and I are beside ourselves with worry.
Why @ Muse did they put you on meds right away?

If you think it is from being bullied, try to get the school involved to stop the bullying, if possible. (I'm guessing that you may have already tried this?

Yes the school knows all about this that why were trying a school counsellor right now. I just can believe how prevalent bully still is. She is a blonde- haired blue eyed beauty. They make fun of her because her teeth are a little crooked ( which are getting fixed) and she has acne. She is a very sensitive thing.
It's getting late I'll answer the rest tomorrow. I still have lots to learn

 

[Barconian]

The bullying at school isn't the problem :( There is something else.