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Need suggestions from self harmers - my 11 year old niece just started hurting herself

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Update!

I finally had a chance to talk with my niece this weekend and it went really well. I shared a bit about my own brain having issues and that I sometimes get really pissy and scream at uncle (hubby) and then I have to apologize and I hate that and she burst out laughing. I also admitted that sometimes I feel like stabbing someone in the head and if that doesnt work I want to stab myself in the head --- and that made her laugh also. Then she got serious and admitted that sometimes she doesn't know what to do with all her feelings and is hoping the therapist can help her.

We had a great talk about how if you have a spot in your brain that doesn't work you shouldn't just keep banging into it, instead you need to learn to walk around it. I told her a little bit about some of what my therapist does to help me and about the equine therapy I'm doing and why and what she can expect on this journey

But I think the biggest thing that got thru to her is when I said (in my auntie loving eye rolling way) "punkin you aint anything special. 1 out of 3 people have issues like this. It's not just you. Look around your family, look around your class, there are a ton of people fighting this same battle. You're not a freak." The look of relief on her face was heartbreaking. Then we had a good laugh trying to figure out which people she knows have brains like ours -- because, y'know, we are a special club.

Sis was a little undone (in a grateful head banging way) because this is the same stuff she has been telling niece for weeks -- but she also knows that sometimes you need to hear it from someone else too.

I promised Sis I would update you all and thank you, once again, for your guidance and ideas. Having your input made a huge difference in how we handled it. So thank you thank you thank you! We know it's still a long road, but we are cautiously optimistic that she knows we are there for her and that we believe in her.
 
What could the adults around you have done better when you first started down this road?

help!

If the adults had done the right thing for me I would have been removed from the family situation. Can she be removed and taken to a safer more emotiona attuned household? Often cutting is as a cry for help from sexual abuse? Can her situation be investigated by a qualified trauma professional?
I would report her to the welfare so she can be professional investigated by someone who is objective and outside the situation.

Something is seriously wrong if she is engaging in self cutting.

Something is serously wrong if your sister is ignoring her behaviours long term (saying it is ADHD) and specifically not addressing this self harm.

Probably not helpful, but a honest response. Your sister is definitely part of the problem - from her long term responses to this specific response.
 
Something is serously wrong if your sister is ignoring her behaviours long term (saying it is ADHD) and specifically not addressing this self harm.
Sis isnt ignoring...she has niece signed up for a clinic that does a whole work up for them on what is going on and to get some kind of plan in place. They are even gonna test her for food allergies! Which i thought was amazing. Had never considered that ss a possibility.

The problem is that it is going to take time to get all the pieces in place. That's why we are asking what we and the adults in her life should be doing as she goes thru this. How do we best support her?
 
It is great that you talked to her like that. Keep talking and most importantly keep listening.

Have you read David Burns' book on depression and distorted thinking? It is brilliant and if you read it, then you can show her the ways in which to break down the distorted thinking. Very useful for a young person that age.
 
It is great that you talked to her like that. Keep talking and most importantly keep listening.

Have you read David Burns' book on depression and distorted thinking? It is brilliant and if you read it, then you can show her the ways in which to break down the distorted thinking. Very useful for a young person that age.
Ill look it up -- thanks!
 
Spent thanksgiving with the whole family. Sis came down next morning and said she and niece had been talking about her waking up depressed and things she could do to try to work herself out of the mood. Asked me to go up and talk/reinforce she wasn't a freak.

So off I go to talk. Asked if she wanted to talk to me - she said no. Asked if she wanted me to talk to her. She said no. Asked if she wanted to listen to me blather on about depression and crap. She said yes :laugh:

I blathered on for a bit about how lots of sugar and excitement can screw with blood sugar and hormones and how that can make you feel really high, then the sugar crash comes and you feel really low and that you have to be aware of setting yourself up for failure.

She asked some questions, then said she was hungry, bounced up and off she went for breakfast. Later that day she was playing with her sis and got upset about something (can't remember what) and started to ramp up. Then she stopped herself, looked over at me and said, "yea, whatever, I'm clinically depressed but I ain't special," laughed and went right back to playing.

If I can't do anything else for her I can help her see that mental illness doesn't make her a freak.
I'm taking it as a win!
 
Thought I'd give an update on this....

Niece is doing awesome. She's in counseling and doing an emdr program to help her figure out how to reframe her "bad" thoughts, and shes on meds. She told me a month or so ago that she feels like a huge weight is off her and she hasn't wanted to cut in months. Now it's just normal tween drama :laugh:

The best part? Her bestie - who is also 12- started cutting and stopped eating. Niece immediately went to sis (her mom) and told her what was going on. CPS ended up getting involved but sounds like they are getting the help they need before it gets worse. I'm so freaking proud of her!

So thank you to everyone who offered advice and suggestions from your own stories. You ended up helping save two girls!! Yay team!!
 
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