Sexual Assault 11 years after rape.......still recreating the trauma

[pclf2127]

I wish I could understand. I was abused for my early life as a baby into early childhood. I don't really know what end is up or down in terms of sexuality or sex in general. I want to enjoy being an adult in a sexual relationship at some point in life but I can't imagine it ever happening. Sex is evil as far as I'm concerned. I can't think I could ever have sex without being completly guilty in general. I just don't understand how anyone who has been raped or sexually abused could have consensual sex after that event. Not me

 

[raven68]

I think trauma affects people in weird ways. I have questioned myself many times about it. When the man attacked us and drew the knife I believed he was going to kill us. I cant explain how terrified I was. Thoughts of news stories about children that go missing and get found dead were in my mind. I remember thinking this is how it must happen. When he made us perform sex acts I felt as though complying was saving us from being killed. The subsequent PTSD I believe, stemmed from that cold fear that we were about to be stabbed to death by a maniac killer, not so much as a result of the sex acts themselves. Nothing could compare to the cold fear I felt. The sexual assault paled into almost insignificance against the realisation that we were about to be brutally murdered.
So I have thought the obsession with that particular sex act my brother and I experienced afterwards was maybe some kind of comfort to reenact the thing that at the time I thought was saving our lives.
But then I obviously have looked for a rational explanation that justifies what I did with my brother for several years afterwards because I have felt shame over that for my entire life. I have lived in fear that someone would find out.