Sexual Assault Recreating The Trauma?

[SeekingAfrica]

I've felt that too. It's so hard to get out of that feeling.

I never did anything too extreme though, because I didn't have to. I was in university still, so finding something meaningless is extremely easy to find. So I had a period when I couldn't really allow myself to sleep with anyone yet, but I would fool around and did other things with guys. And mostly guys that were interested in me, I'm not sure if I ever stopped to think too much what I feel for them. I think the worse was when I had ended things with a guy who treated me in a way that made me feel worthless(not abusive, just...just a guy that wanted something meaningless and treated me like I was just something to give him pleasure). After we ended things I was happy it was over, and then I had this horrible day. This day when I had work to do, homeworks and deadlines, barely enough money to eat anything, and I felt so ENTIRELY suffocatingly alone. I hadn't told anyone yet, and had not even been able to admit to myself yet at that point that I had been raped.
So when this guy wrote me again, he was crass. He basically wanted to meet me and do things and blow off steam and he was clear. It was demeaning and I wanted nothing to do with it. I told him I'm not meeting him, but I went anyway. We fooled around, we didn't have sex, but we did other things. It made me feel sick to my stomach afterwards. And I knew it would, and I still couldn't stop myself.

I think it was a way to take control. Until that moment I had been so causious - and for what? All my life I'd been the good girl. I'd been so careful about who I see and what I do. And then I was raped. So I did all those things after, that made no sense. That I knew my friends wouldn't approve. That I knew I would feel bad after. But it was better than facing what I actually felt. And I was so angry. Half of the time I almost did it because I knew it was wrong. It was like I was challenging everyone, and myself. This is wrong, but hey, at least I'm not invisible. This is wrong, this is so wrong, but at least it's my choice, it was my choice. Ugh. It was a tough time. Honestly, I hope you get through this part soon, and safe.

I am now in long term loving relationship, where my partner is everything I can want. I never do anything I don't want and we are very much in love. I can, finally, trully enjoy myself...but still, there have been only few times I fully let go. True passion sometimes needs you to be fully vulnerable when it's with a person you love, and even though he knows me 100%, I still find it hard not to put some walls. Sorry that this ended up so long, this struck a cord in me. I wish you one day to find a partner like that who will know you and love you completely.

 

[Brenton]

Acting out, especially sexually, is destructive and only makes you feel worse. But I completely understand the need to feel used, to relive it.
I dont fool around any more, I'm faithful to my wife who adores me, and just this year I told her about the sexual abuse I suffered. I never thought I'd tell anyone.
Its the ultimate intimacy and trust.

 

[Tinyflame]

Wow that's brave @Brenton . I'd expect it to be a deal breaker.

ETA, I'm sorry,I came back to add because that sounded awful, of I'm glad for you & that is really good. :notworthy:

 

[8888]

I've recreated trauma in the past but by hurting myself down there, nothing with others. Do you have a therapist? I think you need someone to help you stop doing that because, as you said, it's dangerous.

 

[tasha07]

@cloudyskies sending you a big hug right now. I can relate, for years after being the victim of a peodofile I was repulsed by any physical contact with anyone, I could not have a normal relationship, I could not even kiss a man on the cheek. After I turned 19 this all changed, I found craigslist, I put myself in danger more times than I can count, I would seek out the most vile men, to make me feel physically sick, sex in public, cars, parks, random houses. A couple even gave me 50 bucks not that I had asked for it, just to add to my humiliation. This went on for 6 years, and then as suddenly as the behaviour started, it left. I looked on craigslist and just thought, I really don't feel like doing this anymore. I don't know what made me think that. I hope your find the courage to ask a professional what is going on and how to stop doing this to yourself. I never had the strength to ask my psychologist. I couldn't admit my behaviour to myself let alone anyone else at the time, so you are already courageous seeking help on here, and realising that you don't want to do this. I think it is a self hatred thing, or me trying to recreate what happened to me, but I was in "control" (I thought I was) of the encounter, but I wasn't, thank my lucky stars nothing to bad happened to me. I hope you get some insight into this issue, but you are not alone, I think many many people respond to sexual assault in this way, but it is dangerous.

 

[Wondering_Loner]

Uhm I have this problem I think. I'm not sure though... I just want to stop, but its like I'm someone else when it happens and I just want it gone. I have no idea what to do, therapy isn't helping me much at least its not physically harmful, just emotionally so.

Sometimes I become sexually anorexic but its really hard. Usually its the other way.

 

[SLCarol]

I can totally relate to this topic. I was raped at 15 and after that would sleep with anyone without thinking about the consequences. I marrried at 19 and then became this way on the internet. Acting out sexual acts with cybersex and in later years using the phone and skype to have men tell me what to do to myself (i.e. use a belt, paddle, anything to humiliate or hurt myself). As of now...today anyway...I am able to control things. But it still comes in bouts.

I wish you luck and love and hope things improve for you. I know everyday is a struggle. But you are worth the effort it takes to stay away from this kind of behavior.

Blessings

 

[flowerapple]

I am there right now trying to get myself to stop but at the same time feeling like I have to do it. Because of that I have also been meeting guys on Craigslist and every time I do it I feel so stupid because something bad could have happened and also if people found out they would be disappointed. I constantly go back and forth on it until I end up settling on doing it.