14 Years Of Protecting And Serving Then Destroyed When Mission Complete.

[Geister Soldat]

Hi,

I am new to this site, but have been suffering from PTSD for about 4 years. I have been on paid workers compensation for PTSD for about 2 years from my police department.

I served with a perfect record, without any blemishes. I've seen many people dead, dying or shot within my arms or in front of my face. I became numb to death and destruction and all of man's inhumanity. We joked about people because of how they killed themselves, or how bad the house stunk after a body lays on a couch in 100 degree weather for 3-7 days.

I was a Blood Splatter expert and assigned many high profile cases working inter agency both local and federal. I've been a swat team member MP5, Field Training Officer, Firearms instructor all kinds of other crap I can't even remember. I was just wanting to give you some general background. Basically, I'm a cop who was trained by Advanced Counter Measures a company of ex Delta Force and Seals and Force Recon Marines. This training was intense and gave me perspective on military vs. police tactics. I am not wanting to talk highly of this, again it's background info. My self esteem is in the gutter right now, so last thing I want to do is brag.

I've personally only been the lead detective on on Aggravated Murder case which capital punishment as a possible outcome. That case lasted 3 years from the time our victim was stabbed 30+ times during a burglary, which turned into a robbery and then murder in the victim's small apartment. She was a grandmother and alone. Her son found her the next morning. That began my rise to the top and fall to the bottom.

I solved the case and it was big news with three suspects in jail and the next three years of my life working for the prosecutor doing whatever was necessary to prepare our case against the three separate defendants, prosecuted about a year apart. This all revolved around the drug world except the victim was not a player in that world. I worked day and night and started having memory and concentration problems. The doctor told me I had Adult Attention Deficit Disorder and gave me Adderal (Amphetamines). I began popping those pills for the next three years and my tolerance increased as did my dosage. I was taking up to 6 30 mg tabs per day. I was then prescribed Lorazepam (Ativan) to calm me down when I was supposed to be at home with my family.
Yes, the suspects were all found guilty, but in the end my body, mind and soul were destroyed. I developed Ulcerate Colitis had numerous uncomfortable procedures for that and then they did sleep studies on me and other strange things. My wife and very young children did not even know me anymore. I was a machine focused to a level that felt like I was on brain steroids, but emotions were gone. I began feeling like a ghost. I still feel like a ghost today and cannot connect with people.

My story is way to long for an intro. I really need to get out of my house as it tends to have many of my triggers. I want to go to a treatment center and I believe my insurance will pay as they are currently wanting to settle my claim.

I don't want to go to The Place of Hope. I know it looks nice, but for personal reasons, I can't go there. Are there any nice facilities around the Western United States for me to go? Seems like most the PTSD help is for Vets.

Thanks

 

[Clydiechick]

Hi

Welcome to the forum, hope you find some comfort here. Can't speak for the US sorry, can't imagine any place would be nice to go to. Hope you can find a good therapist. You will find some good advice and support here.

My best to you and your family.

Clydie

 

[Geister Soldat]

Thanks Clydie! I hope I still have a family after all this.

 

[Geister Soldat]

I don't know if I should keep living in my home with my Wife who tells me she can't be my wife again until I'm "healed". Yet, I can pay all the bills with my workers comp check and live in the computer room of my 4 bedroom house. My kids 5 and 8 look at me like a broken tool, discarded after the job was done. They see me back down to my wife's loud verbal attacks, by my tactical retreat to my computer room with a lock. She knows I can't stand to have our children hearing that type of talk.

She said over the last 3 years she has had to build a shield around her emotions, since she kept getting hurt when I'm normal and nice one day and reclusive and argumentative the next. She said she loves me, but not like a wife. She said it would take me healing and a ton of work for her to love me again. We both have lived in separate bedrooms since my nightmares and night sweating became kicking and yelling in my sleep. Talking about work. My 8 year old son used to be my best buddy and now he looks at me like he has lost a ton of respect for me and can already tell I'm out the door. My wife has helped make this worse, by doing something I've heard called, "parental alienation". In other words she and the kids live a completely separate life and she and her mom have expressed or passed on to my son their feelings and their opinions about me.

I believe she is staying with me for the money, until she can find another way to keep our home. She insists on staying in this home if we divorce and she cannot afford that along with me living separately and paying my expenses. Even if I pay full child support and whatever else, it would not allow us to have decent living arrangements. I feel like if I divorse her now, I'm hurting the children and being selfish. A divorce now would force the sale of our home in a terrible market and the complexity of my disability payments or settlement would require us each to pay for an attorney. That cost would most likely eat up all equity in this home.

If I stay she will eventually get a restraining order on me and I'll have to leave with my toothbrush and not much else. All she would have to do is mention my name and say I said something or acted a certain way that makes her live in fear. Since I'm known in this law enforcement community as having PTSD from work, the Judge would most likely give her the order. Sometimes when they train you to hunt evil men, it changes something in you where you become the wolf to protect the sheep. When your job is done the others trained like you or having knowledge of your particular skills tend to fear you since you are "crazy" and might hurt them or somehow pass PTSD via some airborn germ.

Most people have told me to get out and they were right. Things are not getting better here. My wife said I can't use the "PTSD" card on her anymore. She has no sympathy and a hug is a chore for her.

I don't know how to live alone. I've always had orders to follow and feel like I would just rot away like a hermit in some apartment if I left. Or maybe I would heal and find a woman who loves me for who I really am inside my heart. I am a good man who had to do some bad things and it did change me, but I am still me. I feel a sense of my true self for about 1 hour out of each day.

Sorry about the rambling, but I'm hurting right now. I just told her I'm moving out unless she starts trying to be a wife, while I try to be a husband. She did not like that, but it is so rare I get to speak with her without our children present and I am just sick of living like this.

I think my screen name Geister Soldat, means, "Ghost Soldier" in German. I don't know why I choose German, except most Ghost names were taken already.

I'm living in the flesh, but cannot connect with much of anyone.

 

[Clydiechick]

Hi

You are in such a terrible place right now. All you talk about is very familiar to me. I too live in a relationship where my children just want love, but for some reason I can't give it. My husband has lived with this for a long time, and up until recently I would say he was a champion, until he made a very wrong decision, one that my children and I did not deserve, no matter what. My family is broken, my heart is broken and most of the time my mind is broken.

Are you getting some councelling? Is your wife willing? I can probably see it from her side too, but alienating you to your children is not fair in any case. But just a few minutes a day of love and bonding with fix all that, no matter what she tries to tell them.

And you would be right about the restraining order, I hope it doesn't come to that. If you leave, you have so much to lose, but are you going to gain anything by staying? I have wanted to leave myself so many times, but I'm still here despite the odds. It's my kids that are keeping me here, they are my life, the only thing that keeps me going.

Does your wife understand PTSD, really understand it? Does she understand that you can't just be healed? It may be worth her getting some help and support too.

I really feel for you, don't make any rushed decisions.

Take care
Clydie

 

[Geister Soldat]

Clydie,

Sorry if this message is short, but I'm in the Fog right now and can't focus. I'm sorry you are going through this also. How long was your husband a "champ" ? Does he get any credit that might carry over to aid in your forgiveness of him for what he did? Forgiveness is so very important for victims of PTSD and their families. That is the problem in my home. My wife cannot forgive me for my "verbal abuse" over the last three years of this. She said something like, "how can I love you or believe you love me after all you have said to me.." I understand her emotions, but I wish she could add some logic and realize when you are going through this you are put on all kinds of different meds or self-medicating, doing this in good faith that you are going to improve yourself so you can be a better father, husband, wife. The problem is when I had my outbursts and said various things I was speaking in anger and felt like a numb person, almost like a detective interrogating his 5 child rapist in the same week. I become very difficult to deal with since she knows my training, she knows she cannot lie to me without great risk I will detect it and then address the lie, which she will not be able to defend. In these states I never became violent or physically threatening, I simply spoke without emotion and to the point without "suger coating" anything. Her mother is a woman who had a similar first marriage with my wife's father. He had a car crash and needed care for his injuries which included his head. She stayed in the home with him and treated him much like my wife treats me for about two years. She had been stashing away money the entire time and documenting what an awful man he is. All under his nose. She left him high and dry taking her daughters with her. I have spoken with both of them about this. My wife is getting more and more like her mother everyday and she becomes very hostile when I tell her that. Strange, because she defends her mother and acts like she can do no wrong. She says things like "she means well, but just is not very smart". I'm not allowed to mention my PTSD as possibly adding to my social difficulties. She said it's like the "race card", that I throw out as an excuse for my actions. She calls it my "PTSD Card", I'm not thinking many of us want that card.

Enough rambling. Eitherway I don't think staying in this home is healthy for anyone. Leaving will be very difficult for me. My kids are my life and I won't be able to see them. She will make sure of that, or I will screw it up myself because I have trouble being away from loved ones and then talking with them on the phone or having short visits. I grew up getting passed around the country by my parents so I can't stand it. Most my siblings are the same way. If we can't see you often we don't keep in touch. It hurts too much to bring back ghosts of a past life. The kids already call me a ghost now. I move through the house without anyone noticing or acknowledging I exist with one exception, my 5 year old daughter. She runs to me and is always hugging me and whats to spend time with me. OOPS I'm going to cry. Signing off.

 

[Clydiechick]

Hi

My husband was with me for the majority of my service, he has been a champ for over 10 years now. I have suffered PTSD for about 5 years. I don't know about the forgiving part, that's a biggie, I'm trying, but not going too well.

If you want to win your wife back, now is the time to start trying. If you love her, you really need to show her, make an effort, one that she hasn't seen in a long time. Don't ask me how, I'm not in any position to tell you. But it's the only way you are going to get to stay with your kids. You will have to set yourself boundaries, you cannot verbally abuse her any more, think of what you have to lose. Think of what you have to gain.

Your kids will love you no matter what, but it would be much better if you were a healthy part of their lives. They need you. Your wife needs you to make a positive move, she needs something to give her hope. Sounds like her mother is a fabulous woman! A great teacher of what NOT to do. I'd stop talking about her and stop talking about your PTSD unless it is in a positive light. Easier said than done I know.

I too am a master of spotting a lier. But.... I missed that the person closest to me, my husband was lying to me about what he was up to for over 3 months. It has made me ashamed, I feel like an idiot, that I didn't see through his lies. He sure made a fool out of me.

Have to get the kids from the bus, will write more later. It might log me out otherwise.

Clydie

 

[Clydiechick]

Hi

I'm back. So my kids are home and already driving me nuts. Home 5 minutes and fighting already, it does my head in.

Are you on meds? I know it's a hard thing to face, it was the last thing I was ever going to do. But I did it, and I am definately better for it. It takes a while to get the right drug and dosage, but it certainly evens out the moods. I still have a filthy temper, but don't 'go off' as often as I did.

I too get blamed for speaking to my husband 'like a shit bag' as we call crims here. I don't mean to, but I guess it's just tough talk, I don't mean to disrespect him, but can see that he sees it that way. I show the kids the most disrespect and I know I'm doing it, but I just can't stop myself. I hate myself for doing it.

So I guess, not much of this will help you, but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. I know some of what you are going through.

Take care of yourself, move forward, you have to.

Clydie

 

[Geister Soldat]

Clydie,

Your comments are much appreciated! You are right that I should try my hardest now. However, she said she does not love me and refuses physical intimacy, which I understand to some degree. She tells me I need to live a separate life from her at this house with our kids. Do all the Dad stuff and then whatever else she tells me to do. She said she cannot be my answer and sex cannot be my drug to find myself. I told her it's hard for a man to feel confident when he has no job, due to PTSD, (But still get paid about the same disability) and his wife won't have sex with him unless there is a solar eclipse. I feel like I need to start getting back into life, my family and perhaps I will be accepted again. Currently I have the Monster stigma. I'm taking all kinds of weird pills. Adderral because they said I have ADHD, Lorazapam to calm me down from my Adderral, Estazolam for sleeping and Medical Marijuana via a vaporizor for my stomach and bad dreams. I would say Marijuana has helped more than any of the pills. My wife tells me to go use my meds when I am angry or whenever she thinks I need to calm down. Only problem is I get too calm and get nothing done if I'm not careful. Awake and I'm like an angry tornado and on Marijuana, I'm quiet, calm, creative, emotional, deep and patient. I'm not saying this is for everyone, but read the Israeli Studies and see what you think.

 

[Clydiechick]

Hi

I'm glad you are back, I was a bit worried.

Well, I think the suggestion by your wife is a positive one for you. If you get to live in the house and be with the kids. It is all in the mindset.

Forget the sex thing, you have to (it won't help you find yourself). I know this is almost impossible for men, but on the other hand I know it is. My husband after his 'mistake' does not initiate anything. And going from a man with incredible primal sex drive, he has overcome it with his mind because he needed to, to stay with me.

The marijuana thing is interesting. We don't have it here in Australia (I don't think), the medical bit that is. I have tried it but don't like it much. I will take a look at the study.

I am always a bit hesitant about the ADHD thing. Take a look at your diet. Is there a food you crave? It's the one that is usually no good for you. Let me know what it is and I will tell you other foods you shouldn't eat. I think part of what they diagnose is ADHD is from PTSD, not sure, just my opinion.

I don't think all meds are bad, if they help you to stabilize for now. I have been taking them for years, I am sick of them and would love to throw them away, but I know I would be worse off. It would be could if you could fine tune them to see what suits you best, give it some time.

Take care, don't make any hasty decisions. Back right off your wife, it will surprise her! Just go about your day, spend time with the kids, acknowledge her if you have to, don't initiate conversation unless you have to, it will reduce your stress. Easier said than done, but it works.

Let me know how you go.
Clydie

 

[Pandoras3of9]

hey there

Than for sharing. Thanks more for your service. As a veteran with ptsd my experience with treatment hasn't been much to envy. Compensation has been non existent. Crazy is only worse when you're broke too. But enough jokes. I had to find a new mission. One that didn't involve senseless, calloused violence. I escaped back to my hometown to get better. Under the wing of my brother I made it off the proverbial ledge. Good luck with your journey, in a way we're all headed to the same place.