2 year relationship affected by severe past trauma

[Sideways8]

The last thing I remember was sitting on my back porch wishing I knew how to run away. 4 years later I'm sitting on my bed, my amazing and loving boyfriend shares with me, as our daughter sleeps in the next room.

I never imagined I would be free. I must say this again, I NEVER IMAGINED A LIFE IN WHICH I WAS FREE. 5 years ago I can honestly tell you I could have never been able to handle a life in which I was free. I had NEVER been free.

Growing up in a world literally full of narcissistic people I found myself being forged into a people pleasing maniac who was suffering from severe PTSD. I could hardly make choices for myself without ' constructive criticism ' from every sacred person I knew. So naturally at a young age I got involved with a 'triad ' or a person with DARK TRIAD PERSONALITY .

He showed signs of narcissism, machiavellianism, and psychopathy.
He turned my already lost and vulnerable soul , inside out. I believed I would never get away from him. I was stuck.

I dont know exactly how I first started acting out against him, but I do remeber why. He had basically strategically started to break me down emotionally after I gave birth to my daughter, although physical and emotional abuse were an ongoing thing. He would make me feel as small as the dirt the ants eat off the floor.

I started to push back, I was tired of being the one to lay down and take it. I didn't like who I was becoming. Even though I had an abuse past my future looked bright. He saw that, he wanted that for himself. He took that from me because he is a selfish human.

I am lucky I left with my life. My abuser is atleast smart enough to know that murder is not the answer because he'll lose the pawn. He never hurt me where it was visible, even when he choked me it was just enough I didn't bruise on the outside.

He got off on my pain, and now after having left, my brain is playing reruns.
I live with a good man whom honestly is involved with my and our daughters life, but I cant get any closer to him. I keep pushing back. I'm scared to let him any closer.

I want to trust him but I am unsure if I actually can. I've been with him for literally two years and I cant seem to progress and now I'm fighting him. I'm trying to ruin the relationship and run. I DONT WANT TO RUN, I love being around him and how he makes me feel. I am not afraid of him physically but emotionally I'm terrified of him, even though I know it's not the same person my brain is almost unwilling to budge.

I need help, sorry for the long post.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi, are you in therapy?

For me the relationship stuff is some of the last stuff that I’m healing, after almost everything else.

 

[hithere]

my therapist told me that there is prolonged exposure exercise (I"m afraid to do it, but I will work up to it) anyway, you take the visual of your abuser's face or whatever aspect of his/her physicality that represents the abuser--and you take photo of your current lover-- then you spend exposed time staring at the abuser's face then you go back to the current safe person's face. you do that over and over, the brain learns from this exercise. However, I am not going to do that unless my counselor is in the room with me! I can't look at my absuer's face like that right now. too hard. But it's what needs to happen-I have to face it down because it's a like bully, it just gets stronger the more I avoid it. the more I face it the more it backs down. Just typing this causes me physical stress!

 

[Sideways8]

Hi, are you in therapy?

For me the relationship stuff is some of the last stuff that I’m hea...

I was, cant find a therapist I trust to even begin to divulge my history.



Super funny you so that, I do that on my own because I know I confuse the two.

It doesnt help that I basically isolate myself since I dont know how to really function around people. Like I work and do basic daily living but emotional connection is super hard for me since then. He is super supportive but I honestly dont think he understand why I'm like this.

I'm scared he doesnt care.

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi there. Glad you found us. As a supporter I've found the PTSD stress cup explanation very helpful. Maybe you could share it with your guy?

Best of luck on your journey!