3 Weeks On Grey Carpet

[Sideways]

I'm booked in for a week Trauma & Dissociation course starting 12 June. I'm not allowed to bring my car & the hospital is a fair hike to anywhere. No immediate exit strategy. Panic #1.

But the real issue: I've taken a look around the hospital and the ward...Grey carpet. Stretching as far as the eye can see.

I'm mostly getting pretty good with my triggers, knowing what they are, and keeping myself calm. But carpet is still a real problem, and grey carpet is as bad as it gets. I walk on grey carpet and I dissociate, usually a full switch to my 12 year old, because she had her "special lessons" with her abuser in an office with grey carpet, and spent a good bit of that time lying on the carpet and/or being paranoid about getting carpet burn which, if anyone noticed, she'd be unable to explain.

I know exactly what this trigger is, they whys and the wherefores. But even the 15 minutes I was there - gone. All I remember is tapping my hand madly, and a sea of grey carpet stretching out in every direction, creeping under locked doors, panic panic panic, and the half pack of smokes I got through sitting outside afterwards shaking like a leaf.

So, is this completely unrealistic? Am I just going to be too strung out to be anything other than a complete wreck for the duration of this course? Or do I try and magic up some hardcore exposure therapy in the meantime and walk into pretty much the worst environment I could think of...for 3 weeks straight?

Shaking just writing this out. Maybe a square of grey carpet from a carpet store and just get myself to sit on it in front of the tv each night or something...?

Suggestions? Bail? Fixable? This is a bad idea?

It's grey carpet. I can handle a lot of nasty triggers. I could probably mostly manage carpet and just restrict the freak-outs to when I get really distressed (during a therapy course...good odds I'm gonna get distressed). But it's grey carpet. Grey. Carpet. Everywhere. For 3 weeks...

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Maybe you should tell them what the problem is and see what solutions they offer.

 

[Joan]

I agree with Alice....communicate that. Maybe there can be some smaller rugs at least in certain places over the grey. Just to break it up, give you places to "escape"

 

[Whyteferret]

I'm booked in for a week Trauma & Dissociation course starting 12 June. I'm not allowed to brin...

I think trying to look at the sample might help.
Go with your gut. There are a lot of triggers there. And no real exit strategy you can have. What can you gain by going? Is it worth the risk?

I assume you're working with a therapist. Bring this up. Maybe there's some strategies that can help.

Don't beat yourself up or feel guilty if you decide not to go. Take care of yourself.

 

[Sideways]

Just saw my T. He was predictable- said I was in control, and if I decide not to go he understands why, but if I want to go, there's time to work at the carpet issue in the meantime. So I'm thinking if I can get a sample or offcut of grey carpet from a store and work with that, and yeah, email the hospital and see if it's ok if I bring a rug to lay on the floor underneath my chair and my feet...maybe by the end of the 3 weeks just leaving the blanket on the floor of my room so I have safe space to retreat to at night.

I'll need to tell them, because if I switch and start freaking, apparently all I say is "I need to get off the carpet". The hospital I usually go to all the nurses know me and they know what's happening and they just get a couple of nurses to help me get outside so I can get grounded.

I guess, since it's a trauma & dissociation unit, I've gotta assume the nurses will understand stuff like that and be okay with me dealing with it however I deal with it. So long as I'm not interfering with other patients...

I mean, nurses working in a trauma ward would have been across weirder stuff than a carpet-phobia...surely. And they're not gonna make me just grin and bear it...surely. Surely.

 

[scout86]

This might not be useful (but......). About something similar, my T once said, "You might want to come up with a different way of looking at that." (My first reaction was disbelief followed by a WTH, followed by actually thinking about what he'd said.)

In that case, it was pine trees. I decided that the trees had really been on my side all along, they just couldn't do anything to help because they were, well, "trees". I made up a story where the trees were silent witnesses who would have helped me if they could, but, being trees and all, there was a limit to what they could do. And maybe they even felt really bad that they couldn't do anything to help?

My advice? Such as it is my advice is come up with a different way of looking at "gray carpet". Can't hurt to try, can it? (Wishing you the best!)

 

[Sideways]

@scout86 - that's brilliant! I've been struggling with the "it's just a harmless, inanimate object" self-talk for years (no, literally, like at least a decade). But as soon as I read your post? It was like, "Pfft, I'm betting that it was pretty unpleasant for the carpet as well, like, how many girls got tortured year after year on that carpet and all it could do was watch".

I like that. I like that a lot. The carpet might actually be on my side. All I have to do is convince the 12 year old. And I've got weeks to work away at that:)

(Yay!! Crazy strategies that work for us - that's why I love this forum!!)

 

[scout86]

That's why I'm rather fond of my T too. LOL He says "that's why I pay him the big bucks". (Reality? It's government subsidized insurance that pays him and I know they pay him less than a regular client would.)

I hope it works as well for you as it did for me!

 

[sun seeker]

I'm wondering about a dialogue, where you switch between reading your part and the carpet's part? Or get your therapist to read one while you read the other? Maybe you and the carpet become allies in the end and confront the abuser. I don't know, just an idea since you liked the story idea.

 

[Sideways]

@sun seeker - "Rescripting"! I've used that with a lot of success in the past for a number of flashbacks and triggers. Was with a different T, but she'd done a lot of it with other clients before me, so she was really good at it - working out a script that worked for me and the way I think. I found it was surprisingly helpful. It didn't work with the carpet, but several years on and the triggers that it did help with are still no problem for me. So it's a strategy that I've recommended in the past to others (usually met with an expression something like "wha!?!")

 

[sun seeker]

I look forward to hearing how it goes, if you decide to do this. The possibilities here are intriguing.

Edited to add: Sorry, I missed where you said you tried it with the carpet and it didn't work. I wonder why not?

 

[Sideways]

@sun seeker - I think it's because the carpet thing was reinforced in my early 20s. I was sex-on-tap for a really abusive guy for quite a while and he always made me lie on the carpet. It was always really unpleasant with him, and I had the same fear that he was gonna give me carpet burn. For some reason I've always resented guys that leave marks or injuries because I could always hide what was happening, but you can't hide injuries unless they're under clothes, which always seemed unfair (like, I don't mind pretending the this isn't happening, but at least give me some chance of pulling that off by not leaving obvious signs that I've gotta cover up somehow).

Short version: I think I've got too much emotionally tied up in the carpet thing. It's become more than just another reminder, which is what most of my triggers amount to.