Sufferer 30 Years Of Holocaust Nightmares + Child Abuse

[intothelight]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[RavensPOE]

You have PTSD diagnosis based on the sexual abuse/rape, right? That's very common. PTSD does not result on...

My therapist feels that the Holocaust nightmares
in which I witness myself being raped by the Third Reich;
or other children being raped--IS LiNKED to the rape & molestation
that occurred to me by the doctor when I was 3-10 years old.

While I have been working on my PTSD issues that I have
from the rape & abuse as a child, I do not think it is fair
to assume that the other PTSD issues that I suffer from
when witnessing the events that take place in my Holocaust nightmares
should be ignored. I tried to ignore them for years--and my life
spiraled out of control. I would try to lecture in my classroom
& see my students flicker back and forth from student to concentration camp victim.
How can one ignore this--and what is happening?
I completely shut down when these events begin to surface
in my physical life when I am awake.

Also, it appears that most people make the assumption that I was hanging out
with the Holocaust--by reading books, watching movies, etc--at the time
that my nightmares began. This is simply not true. I was highly engrossed
in the Civil War & even getting the Civil War magazine--at the time
my Holocaust nightmares began. They continued for 15-20 years
before I sat down to read anything or watch anything about the Holocaust.
I kept pushing off into a corner living in denial.

I would also like to add that when children are raped and molested they do
not have a safe, recovery point to go back to: Children are not sexually active.
This is different for adults--if a woman gets raped & has had a normal sex life up
to that point? They can go back to that "normal recovery point" in their mind.

After approximately 15-20 years of Holocaust nightmares; I did begin to read about it.
I wanted to see if there were direct, historical connections to what I was witnessing.
So, I went on a Holocaust quest of reading & watching movies to see how close
the connections were.

 

[Chava]

I would also like to add that when children are raped and molested they do
not have a safe, recovery point to go back to: Children are not sexually active.
This is different for adults--if a woman gets raped & has had a normal sex life up
to that point? They can go back to that "normal recovery point" in their mind.

While I think I know what you are trying to say generally, no, an adult woman can't always go back to some pre-rape normal point. That's the truth of trauma. But I understand not having a good experience from the get go and that it sets many of us even further back in trying to find "normal."

Glad you're working with a therapist who feels supportive and sees a link between the Holocaust nightmares and your childhood trauma, so that both might be addressed, maybe as one somehow.

 

[Kefira]

This is different for adults--if a woman gets raped & has had a normal sex life up
to that point? They can go back to that "normal recovery point" in their mind.

It is different. But you will find people who feel it is more painful having had a healthy experience and being unable to get back to that place, possibly ever (because as @Chava says, that's the truth of trauma- some people won't). Ultimately this is one of the really fine points to demonstrate why trauma comparisons just don't work and aren't helpful.

Never having had a functional sexual relationship before the abuse presents a specific problem, but I would advise caution in insinuating that those who experience sexual trauma as adults find it simple to dismiss the real and deep reactions to their trauma based on the fact that they may know what healthy sex is.

 

[Chava]

@RavensPOE ...looks like there are all kinds of websites and forums for Holocaust reincarnation. Have you checked those? Many people here understand child abuse so can relate to your horror of being molested and raped as a child.

I have nightmares of watching a strange little girl get hurt in gruesome ways, in places I've never been (beheaded, stabbed, molested, hand shredded). I've also watched other people be tied up and hacked to pieces. Blood on the walls. I'm always on the outside, watching the nightmare vs having to feel that horror or rage directly. The little girl is "me"... though a stranger resembling nobody I've ever seen before, and adult me is watching but safe. I'd have no clue if this means I'm dissociated even within dreams or if I've gathered loads of bits of things I didn't know I knew (definitely a dream world thing) or if I had some past life that is appearing. In my case, I suspect extreme symbolism to hold my feelings mixed with all kinds of content I didn't know I knew.

But the nightmares themselves aren't my trauma, even if they've made it hard to sleep or left disturbing images in my head. So, I don't personally believe that nightmares are trauma in themselves. My PTSD symptoms are not related to witnessing beheading in my nightmares. But I'll admit I also do no flash back into them because I invest zero effort in maintaining those images through further study or imagery. So my actual trauma memories are maintained more at a body level. I tell my "story" through physical pain. It sounds like your story is that of a Holocaust victim and I'd believe many of the feelings are the same. Horrid trauma.

I do not think it is fair
to assume that the other PTSD issues that I suffer from
when witnessing the events that take place in my Holocaust nightmares
should be ignored.

No, this should not be ignored. Just not sure if you are saying the nightmares cause the PTSD or if you feel like you are experiencing past life PTSD. I think you are suggesting the second, but this bit is worded as the nightmare images creating symptoms...in which I'd suggest you work very hard to maintain the images in your waking life...example being the symptom of seeing your students as victims while your waking artwork is also tied to Holocaust imagery (and you are likely highly visual).*

If you think you are having past life PTSD, like your current symptoms are from the Holocaust and not the molestation/rape you experienced, you might find more resonance on a Holocaust reincarnation forum...and discuss the molestation/rape trauma here. ?? Just and idea. Maybe others here relate to past life trauma but have been offline. I'm actually pretty open to the idea, but if I had a past life it would have been horrible, but not have been connected to any known world event...just my sense of it... (also, my current life trauma is more than I can deal with anyway). But it looks like people with Holocaust past lives can get together and have that significant bond through their shared suffering.

I only typed "Holocaust reincarnation" into google and a load of stuff came up...will admit I didn't look into it much, but that's pretty interesting. I assume there are also shared complications of identity, like are you the "you" who was born to your current parents or are you the girl who died unjustly and too soon and is now living again...like are you living "her" life? Or are the soul purposes the same but fulfilled in this lifetime? (you don't have to answer, I'm just suggesting the many layers that probably others with reincarnation experiences might understand better).

And if the previous and past life traumas can't be separated, hopefully your therapist is good at working with you through it.

*ETA sidenote: I do appreciate the work of Holocaust educators in keeping the reality of that extreme human tragedy alive in our history.

 

[Ronin]

If I may, @RavensPOE?

It sounds you might benefit from addressing your present life first, and with a therapist that won't spiral you deeper into this 'all things are connected' mindset, as it doesn't sound healthy for you in particular.

I'm not skeptical to other lives and a lot of other rather atypical phenomena in the slightest. But having physically experienced things, during one lifetime? Makes for a wildly different set of issues than with trauma of anywhere else.

If you're focusing on other lives trauma, it might be useful to ditch metaphysics & spiritual beliefs on it and that kind of theory for a time, and look for stabilization instead, so you're not so flooded with such a sense of urgency about these experiences as it seems you are being, from the way you write.

Urging self care with present issues first, and prioritizing what needs addressing first, isn't the same as a denial of your other experiences. It's care.

 

[Chava]

It sounds you might benefit from addressing your present life first, and with a therapist that won't spiral you deeper into this 'all things are connected' mindset, as it doesn't sound healthy for you in particular.

I'd agree with that.