If someone is asking you if you know the combination to the safe, I'd report that as a potential security concern. It is also a safety concern for you if she is giving info to others & they target you in a robbery attempt. This is where I would start your reporting & answer other questions that are asked of you. This way, you are not sounding petty, just being a great employee with an eye on safety & security for the company & all of it's employees. She could be playin' you or she could just be an innocent young mind playing with fire. Let security & the higher ups figure it out. Report it for certain! It's a security breach. If she knows the combo, why would she need to ask you or even tell you about it? She has issues. Also a big mouth! Don't play into it.
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38 Year Old Supervisor Dating 18 Year Employee
- Post starter Muttly
- Start date
- Status
Freedomfighter
Diamond Member
That kind of crap goes on in every corner of my workplace. There are these cashiers that stand close to their registers, I swear it looks they are out on the street hailing down cars, if you know what I mean.
Mostly married men, some scarily obese love these girls and the girls love the money or the job they may gain from that. It is so totally sickening, I would have to report someone every day, because 99 percent are involved.
So I just stick to my work, most of the girls disappear after a while, some have even gotten abortions after a particular manager went way beyond his work duties. Usually when the girls get greedy or try to be a significant other in those bastard's lives they disappear from the scene. No way would I ever get involved with that. Have seen that with the young guys too and elderly female managers, boy if I would get involved I might as well get a degree as a private detective and make that my next job......
You've only been there a couple of months. I've learned the hard way to keep my big mouth shut, but still mess up. It woulnds like you're in a dysfunctional workplace..... in such situations trust no one and play with a straight bat.
The age difference seems to be triggering and it seems to be around the youth of the girl.... in situations like this I wonder how it wold be if the genders were switched..... older woman, young man.
Handling the emotional flashbacks that this stuff causes is OUR problem..... I find the flashbacks cause me all sorts of trouble because I find it difficult to disentangle the past & the present. Only once I'm clear can I move in a way that's appropriate to the here and now. If I'm in flashback I try to be non-committal, but I'm dire at that.
In short.... observe.... if there's a serious security/safety issue report to a manager/HR and diarise the conversation. Then step back.
The age difference seems to be triggering and it seems to be around the youth of the girl.... in situations like this I wonder how it wold be if the genders were switched..... older woman, young man.
Handling the emotional flashbacks that this stuff causes is OUR problem..... I find the flashbacks cause me all sorts of trouble because I find it difficult to disentangle the past & the present. Only once I'm clear can I move in a way that's appropriate to the here and now. If I'm in flashback I try to be non-committal, but I'm dire at that.
In short.... observe.... if there's a serious security/safety issue report to a manager/HR and diarise the conversation. Then step back.
- Post starter
- #28
Muttly
Diamond Member
I am feeling like I never should have made this post. I am triggered. I'm not denying that. What I want to do, is say this thread was a big mistake and I'm stupid and run away. I'm going to try not to do that. So...
@FireSign8 and @Freedomfighter thanks for the replies, I appreciate it.
Please note- I'm not asking for advice about what to do at work anymore. I've reported the safe combo issue. That's all I'm going to report for now. I don't need more debate about that, I probably should talk about the triggers
@kilted Thanks.Compared to a lot of places I've been, it's not that dysunctional. It is only in this one area, which compared to the whole is pretty small. So, that's the good news. You are right that dealing with the emotional flashbacks is my responsibility. I'm working at it. I don't tend to act when I'm in that state. I'm more of a freezer. I know I made the post about reporting, but that was because of the safe combo and that was covering my ass. And I didn't end up doing anything else. I'm kind of a wuss. So maybe that's part of the issue for me? That I feel like I always freeze and don't do anything?
If the genders were reversed it would still really trouble me. Would it trigger me as much? I really don't know, but I do know I'd have a hard time with it. I have figured out a couple of the factors triggering me. First, it's the power dynamic. D is her direct supervisor. D is biological older and seems more .... mature and emotionally stable. T is his subordinate, immature and clearly has emotional issues. So there's a power dynamic there. Also, I think T reminds me of my mom.
About the power dynamic... T came to me once, and asked me to sign off on a modified time card for her, because she was late. I was very new at that time and hadn't been told anything about them. I told her I hadn't been trained in that yet and to go to D. She was very visibly upset and said she really didn't want to go to D and really tried to convince me sign. when I asked her why she didn't want to go to D, she said she really didn't want to talk to him that day.
@FireSign8 and @Freedomfighter thanks for the replies, I appreciate it.
Please note- I'm not asking for advice about what to do at work anymore. I've reported the safe combo issue. That's all I'm going to report for now. I don't need more debate about that, I probably should talk about the triggers
@kilted Thanks.Compared to a lot of places I've been, it's not that dysunctional. It is only in this one area, which compared to the whole is pretty small. So, that's the good news. You are right that dealing with the emotional flashbacks is my responsibility. I'm working at it. I don't tend to act when I'm in that state. I'm more of a freezer. I know I made the post about reporting, but that was because of the safe combo and that was covering my ass. And I didn't end up doing anything else. I'm kind of a wuss. So maybe that's part of the issue for me? That I feel like I always freeze and don't do anything?
If the genders were reversed it would still really trouble me. Would it trigger me as much? I really don't know, but I do know I'd have a hard time with it. I have figured out a couple of the factors triggering me. First, it's the power dynamic. D is her direct supervisor. D is biological older and seems more .... mature and emotionally stable. T is his subordinate, immature and clearly has emotional issues. So there's a power dynamic there. Also, I think T reminds me of my mom.
About the power dynamic... T came to me once, and asked me to sign off on a modified time card for her, because she was late. I was very new at that time and hadn't been told anything about them. I told her I hadn't been trained in that yet and to go to D. She was very visibly upset and said she really didn't want to go to D and really tried to convince me sign. when I asked her why she didn't want to go to D, she said she really didn't want to talk to him that day.
I have yet to work in any office where there wasn't that sort of drama going on at some point. We had a director that was married with 6 kids having an affair with his subordinate manager who was also married a few years back. They both were fired pretty quickly. But I've also had issues with being the center of office gossip for going out to lunch with a long time guy friend who I grew up with and happens to work at the same company different dept. Our kids used to play together, and I've hosted dinner parties with his wife.
My policy is just stay out of it, do your work, go home. If something fishy is going on, it'll eventually blow up on its own. I know it's gross seeing a young girl being swayed by an older guy, but that's ultimately her decision and her lesson to be learned.
My policy is just stay out of it, do your work, go home. If something fishy is going on, it'll eventually blow up on its own. I know it's gross seeing a young girl being swayed by an older guy, but that's ultimately her decision and her lesson to be learned.
nomorechickenlittle
Bronze Member
I would try to look at it from a pure business/professional standpoint. What does and doesn't affect your job professionally? Also look at your defined role, expectations, responsibilities etc. It may be hard to overlook triggers but try to focus on your job. If the safe issue concerns you mention it privately to your boss. maybe ask who is allowed to have safe access? If she isnt on the list maybe suggest that you've heard that others not on that list may have it and suggest that it be changed?
- Post starter
- #31
Muttly
Diamond Member
I appreciate that folks are trying to help. I really do.
It might be time to just close this thread since it doesn't seem to be dying down. I am triggered. This is my fault, no one else's. At this point I'm feeling like I'm not being heard, and more old triggers are coming up as a result of that. As I stated in my last post, I don't want or need advice at this point. I reported the issue with the safe combo. I knew, she wasn't supposed to have it which is why I reported it. I knew an employee had just been fired for stealing and I was covering my ass. I did not say anything specific about the relationship with T and D. I took the advice given here to heart.
I guess I do feel the need to clarify though. I do not gossip. I never have. People have commented on that many, many times in my life. That I'm a safe person to talk to because I don't share stuff. I've also never been seen as a drama seeker or maker. In my past job, I got in trouble several times for not coming to management soon enough about issues I was aware of. This is because I'm a supervisor/low level manager. So that's the non-PTSD past I was bringing to the situation. Also, it does impact me directly. D is letting T do things that are against the rules when he supervises her. This makes it much harder to deal with when I supervise her. I also just had another employee do something that was not allowed because he is new and had seen T doing it and thought that's how it was supposed to be done.
.... all that being said, I came here to talk about the PTSD side of it because I knew that emotionally that's a huge part of what my emotions were and was coloring my judgement. I probably shouldn't be trying to explain anything and just sound defensive and stupid. I tried to explain in my last post that want I wanted to do here was work through that PTSD stuff. How T and D's relationship was triggering me. I don't think that's going to work.
And on the PTSD issue, having brought something to light that feels slimey and wrong to me and being told repeatedly to not talk about it is triggering. I'm not saying anyone's advice is wrong. I followed the advice, but the repeated message to not talk about it just feels like the same old dynamic I grew up with. Again, I'm just being stupid and this thread is probably pointless and I should just shutup so it eventually dies away.
It might be time to just close this thread since it doesn't seem to be dying down. I am triggered. This is my fault, no one else's. At this point I'm feeling like I'm not being heard, and more old triggers are coming up as a result of that. As I stated in my last post, I don't want or need advice at this point. I reported the issue with the safe combo. I knew, she wasn't supposed to have it which is why I reported it. I knew an employee had just been fired for stealing and I was covering my ass. I did not say anything specific about the relationship with T and D. I took the advice given here to heart.
I guess I do feel the need to clarify though. I do not gossip. I never have. People have commented on that many, many times in my life. That I'm a safe person to talk to because I don't share stuff. I've also never been seen as a drama seeker or maker. In my past job, I got in trouble several times for not coming to management soon enough about issues I was aware of. This is because I'm a supervisor/low level manager. So that's the non-PTSD past I was bringing to the situation. Also, it does impact me directly. D is letting T do things that are against the rules when he supervises her. This makes it much harder to deal with when I supervise her. I also just had another employee do something that was not allowed because he is new and had seen T doing it and thought that's how it was supposed to be done.
.... all that being said, I came here to talk about the PTSD side of it because I knew that emotionally that's a huge part of what my emotions were and was coloring my judgement. I probably shouldn't be trying to explain anything and just sound defensive and stupid. I tried to explain in my last post that want I wanted to do here was work through that PTSD stuff. How T and D's relationship was triggering me. I don't think that's going to work.
And on the PTSD issue, having brought something to light that feels slimey and wrong to me and being told repeatedly to not talk about it is triggering. I'm not saying anyone's advice is wrong. I followed the advice, but the repeated message to not talk about it just feels like the same old dynamic I grew up with. Again, I'm just being stupid and this thread is probably pointless and I should just shutup so it eventually dies away.
BlueOrange
Diamond Member
*affectionate warmth*
I support the decision that you made. Speaking up doesn't always backfire, and it seems to me that you followed a smart process in making the decision.
Gamera3000
Silver Member
I'm really glad you reported what you could, and I think it is a terrible abuse of power for the other supervisor to be "dating" the 18 year old. I have a couple of situations that came to my mind when reading this thread.
#1- A situation I know about where a man in his 60s preyed upon 18 year old girls at the rate of 2 per year for over 30 years. He was in a position of power over them, he'd groom them, have a sexual relationship with them, then move on to the next one. He eventually killed himself and his company covered up what he had been doing all those years. Many of those girls were profoundly disturbed by the relationship they had with him, which he would always say was their fault. They never knew about the others. I am one of only a handful of people who know this ever happened. And no, I wasn't one of the girls. Thankfully.
#2-Once I (stupidly) hired a bright young man who had a habit of blurting out personal information. Once he was alone with me and he blurted out that he had sexual relationships with every female boss he ever had. He was very attractive and likeable. I replied, well thank goodness that won't happen this time. That young man was confused by every single thing I did. He was scarred by whatever "management" he had before. He could not comprehend his handsomeness being ignored and being rewarded solely on his work. His work was very good too! He was just too far gone to understand that this was how the "real world" worked! He hit on my other employee, who liked him too, so she politely ignored him. He had a sexual relationship with a girl in another department. It was too bad, because he was smart and I really did like this boy. He eventually left the company, I believe because he thought we didn't appreciate him. So yes, these relationships DAMAGE people!
THANK YOU for caring about this young woman! She may not appreciate it now, but you helped her, and that was wonderful!
#1- A situation I know about where a man in his 60s preyed upon 18 year old girls at the rate of 2 per year for over 30 years. He was in a position of power over them, he'd groom them, have a sexual relationship with them, then move on to the next one. He eventually killed himself and his company covered up what he had been doing all those years. Many of those girls were profoundly disturbed by the relationship they had with him, which he would always say was their fault. They never knew about the others. I am one of only a handful of people who know this ever happened. And no, I wasn't one of the girls. Thankfully.
#2-Once I (stupidly) hired a bright young man who had a habit of blurting out personal information. Once he was alone with me and he blurted out that he had sexual relationships with every female boss he ever had. He was very attractive and likeable. I replied, well thank goodness that won't happen this time. That young man was confused by every single thing I did. He was scarred by whatever "management" he had before. He could not comprehend his handsomeness being ignored and being rewarded solely on his work. His work was very good too! He was just too far gone to understand that this was how the "real world" worked! He hit on my other employee, who liked him too, so she politely ignored him. He had a sexual relationship with a girl in another department. It was too bad, because he was smart and I really did like this boy. He eventually left the company, I believe because he thought we didn't appreciate him. So yes, these relationships DAMAGE people!
THANK YOU for caring about this young woman! She may not appreciate it now, but you helped her, and that was wonderful!
38 year old and an 18 year old? I know people are saying that she is the age of consent, but was this a year earlier (or 2 depending on where you live) this would be statutory. It makes me wonder what this man sees in a girl barely past puberty, young enough to be his daughter. If the genders were reversed, I would still feel uncomfortable. What is it about this 38 year old that makes him unable to attract a person in his own age range?
OrganicRobot
Bronze Member
I read the whole thread and understand you reported the combo safe issue. However, if the relationship is against company policy, then you need to report it. I can understand a subordinate not reporting but if you are a supervisor and not reporting then that can backfire. You need to start writing down A) Time & Date B) Who was involved C) What they were doing D) Any witnesses and E) Who does this impact. You also should report the inconsistency in setting appropriate workplace expectations, and that such is impacting the security and bottom line for your company.
Ladyghosthunter
Gold Member
My step sister was 17 when she was impregnated by a 35 year old guy from work. They eventually married, had another kid, got divorced and then he was molesting his daughter. If she's needy and is craving a "daddy figure" there's an issue and I would bring it up with HR IMMEDIATELY. This is not only inappropriate behavior on both parts but it's also affect morale. Please do something about this.
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