Sufferer 49, Complex Ptsd, Is There Such A Thing As "normal?"

[cupfish]

My outside face is an energetic, successful woman with a really great life. I wish I could enjoy that great life I finally built! It really is amazing.

In a few words: abusive father....mom who didnt protect me...sibs older and flew the nest as soon as possible...fat, bullied at school...lived in a fantasy world, hard hard worker. After I left home: drugs, so many drugs. Alcohol abuse, bulimia, promiscuous behavior, zillions of cigarettes, failed marriage, brutal sister, decades of nightmares, so much pain....when I learned about Complex PTSD 5 years ago I couldnt believe there was a name for what I suffered. Just giving it an identity allowed me to feel the tiniest bit hopeful. I have quit drugs, booze, cigarettes, bad marriages, mean siblings, overcome horrible bosses, and an eating disorder. Got therapy, EMDR, recovered lost memories, commited myself to self-love and healing, promoting empathy and good works to all living creatures.

But I can be derailed so quickly!!!! A tiff with my spouse (the love of my life) can throw me into a dissociative state, feeling completely worthless, and set my mind to being a certain way -- "I will be obedient from now on," or, "I only exist to serve others," or, "Say nothing and do not make trouble for anyone." What scares me is how FAST I can backslide, hide what is happening inside, and let the pain subside.

I cant figure out what is normal; is there normal when you have experienced way too much trauma? I hope I can squeeze out a few pain-free years before I die!

 

[piratelady]

Wow, it's amazing to see how much you have been through. I am very happy to see you were able to get help and make so much progress! Welcome to the site, I hope you find it helpful :)

 

[Abrasky]

wow, sounds like you have a good balancing act going on there. You must be pretty clever to do that. Those triggers are awful, but you might find lots of people have them. Welcome.

 

[BigBear]

Hi Cupfish,

Each of us is different. What would be acceptable as normal for me would not be acceptable to the guy across the hall. The world wants us to believe that there is this state that looks just alike for everyone and is "perfectly normal". That would be true if we were all clones... The most important thing is to not get tied up in the ignorant world view.

Besides that, I hear you. Some of what you still go through is not acceptable (and therefore not normal by your standards). My wife Angel continues to lead me through the many states of improving toward normal. It is easier seen from the outside than the inside. Ask your Husband. He'll know you better than you know yourself, sometimes.

So here's an aphorism that I hope you will find useful. "You got to break some glass to put out the fires. And then you got a real mess to clean up." In other words, making it better always starts by making it look worse.

I'm glad you are here!

Bear

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Bear, thank you. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

And welcome cupfish, sounds like you're doing great :) :tup:

Maybe the backslides are the last of the trauma that has to be dealt with.
I hope they are short-lived and become less severe in time.